Black Heart Gold Pants: FanPosts

HAMSTERDAM IS SHAPING TREES

2013-05-24T16:13:51Z

I'm not sure if this has been discussed in Hamsterdam yet, or at what length, but I'm fascinated by the tree shaping accomplished by a small collection of artists, who appear to all be strange hermits. The most famous early tree shaping was by Axel Erlandson, who in the 1920s started doing insane shaping of living trees that had never before been seen:

Axel never discussed his methods and seemed to do it really only to amuse himself, but he inspired others to create their own.

Everybody's favorite now has to be Pooktre, a team of Peter Cook and Becky Northey who have been making strange creations on their farm in Australia for the last couple decades. Click here for a GIS of Pooktre pictures that will blow your mind, I'll post a few here as well:

And for fun, some old-school tree shaping of roots to create root bridges in India:

To Hamsterdam, Y'all. Standard rules apply. Have a great Memorial Day.

Axel never discussed his methods and seemed to do it really only to amuse himself, but he inspired others to create their own.

And for fun, some old-school tree shaping of roots to create root bridges in India:

To Hamsterdam, Y'all. Standard rules apply. Have a great Memorial Day.

BHGPMACtion Week 7

2013-05-23T19:35:42Z

Well that took a while, but we made it. A couple of tight head-to-head games, and now we move into some AI games which (hopefully) will move a bit more quickly.

Rank	Record	User teams	Last week	This week	Recruit time	Status
--	3-2 (2-1)	P-Diddy Northern Illinois Huskies	Won 24-14 vs Bowling Green	Won 42-17 Akron	0 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	4-1 (3-0)	POS15 Central Michigan Chippewas	Won 31-21 vs Ohio	Won 42-16 Indiana	0 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	3-3 (1-2)	hawk85eye Ohio Bobcats	Lost 21-31 vs Central Michigan	vs Ball State	10 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	3-3 (2-2)	pahawkfan Western Michigan Broncos	Won 24-21 vs Kent State	Lost 31-34 #13 Michigan State	0 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	3-2 (2-1)	whitespeedrecvr Bowling Green Falcons	Lost 14-24 vs Northern Illinois	vs Eastern Michigan	10 hrs, 00 min	Change

Standings

MAC (East)	Conf		Overall
Bowling Green	2	1	3	2
Indiana	1	1	2	2
Akron	1	1	1	2
Ohio	1	2	3	3
Kent State	1	2	1	3
Miami University	1	2	1	3
MAC (West)	Conf		Overall
Central Michigan	3	0	4	1
Northern Illinois	2	1	3	2
Western Michigan	2	2	3	3
Ball State	1	1	2	2
Eastern Michigan	1	1	2	2
Toledo	0	2	0	5

OTC Cup

WSR extends his lead and YCPYEII gets on the board.

	This Week	Overall
WhiteSpeedReceiver	1.000	3.500
pahawkfan	0.000	1.000
YouCanPutYourEddsInIt	1.000	1.000
hawktalker	0.000	0.625
hawk85eye	0.000	0.500
soltman45	0.000	0.000

Team	BHGP	Twitter	PS3
Akron	hawktalker	@chillsocray	StealthBomb1
Bowling Green	WhiteSpeedReceiver	@BenjaminJDawson	whitespeedrecvr
Central Michigan	soltman45	@HawkeyePOS	POS15
Northern Illinois	YouCanPutYourEddsInIt	@diddy719	P-Diddy
Ohio	hawk85eye	@hawk85eye	hawk85eye
Western Michigan	pahawkfan	@pahawkfan	pahawkfan

Team	Accolades
Akron	S2 Best LB
Bowling Green	S1 S2 Division Champ S2 MAC Champ S1 Best LB
Central Michigan	S2 Division Champ, Best LB, Biletnikoff, Coach, Mackey, Nagurski
Northern Illinois	S1 Division, MAC Champ, Coach, Returner
Ohio	S1 S2 Heisman & Walker S2 Camp
Western Michigan	S1 Thorpe, Nagurski S2 Thorpe,Bednarik

As always, new (or returning) players are always welcome.

Well that took a while, but we made it. A couple of tight head-to-head games, and now we move into some AI games which (hopefully) will move a bit more quickly.

Rank	Record	User teams	Last week	This week	Recruit time	Status
--	3-2 (2-1)	P-Diddy Northern Illinois Huskies	Won 24-14 vs Bowling Green	Won 42-17 Akron	0 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	4-1 (3-0)	POS15 Central Michigan Chippewas	Won 31-21 vs Ohio	Won 42-16 Indiana	0 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	3-3 (1-2)	hawk85eye Ohio Bobcats	Lost 21-31 vs Central Michigan	vs Ball State	10 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	3-3 (2-2)	pahawkfan Western Michigan Broncos	Won 24-21 vs Kent State	Lost 31-34 #13 Michigan State	0 hrs, 00 min	Change
--	3-2 (2-1)	whitespeedrecvr Bowling Green Falcons	Lost 14-24 vs Northern Illinois	vs Eastern Michigan	10 hrs, 00 min	Change

Standings

MAC (East)	Conf		Overall
Bowling Green	2	1	3	2
Indiana	1	1	2	2
Akron	1	1	1	2
Ohio	1	2	3	3
Kent State	1	2	1	3
Miami University	1	2	1	3
MAC (West)	Conf		Overall
Central Michigan	3	0	4	1
Northern Illinois	2	1	3	2
Western Michigan	2	2	3	3
Ball State	1	1	2	2
Eastern Michigan	1	1	2	2
Toledo	0	2	0	5

OTC Cup

WSR extends his lead and YCPYEII gets on the board.

	This Week	Overall
WhiteSpeedReceiver	1.000	3.500
pahawkfan	0.000	1.000
YouCanPutYourEddsInIt	1.000	1.000
hawktalker	0.000	0.625
hawk85eye	0.000	0.500
soltman45	0.000	0.000

Team	BHGP	Twitter	PS3
Akron	hawktalker	@chillsocray	StealthBomb1
Bowling Green	WhiteSpeedReceiver	@BenjaminJDawson	whitespeedrecvr
Central Michigan	soltman45	@HawkeyePOS	POS15
Northern Illinois	YouCanPutYourEddsInIt	@diddy719	P-Diddy
Ohio	hawk85eye	@hawk85eye	hawk85eye
Western Michigan	pahawkfan	@pahawkfan	pahawkfan

Team	Accolades
Akron	S2 Best LB
Bowling Green	S1 S2 Division Champ S2 MAC Champ S1 Best LB
Central Michigan	S2 Division Champ, Best LB, Biletnikoff, Coach, Mackey, Nagurski
Northern Illinois	S1 Division, MAC Champ, Coach, Returner
Ohio	S1 S2 Heisman & Walker S2 Camp
Western Michigan	S1 Thorpe, Nagurski S2 Thorpe,Bednarik

As always, new (or returning) players are always welcome.

Go Vote on the BTN helmet poll!!

2013-05-23T18:01:22Z

I just found this. We're currently beating Michigan 65% to 35%. Let's not let the LOLverines pass us.

http://btn.com/2013/05/22/2013-big-ten-helmet-bracket-round-3/

blah blah blah...75 words long...blah blah blah...really? 75 words?? thats a lot of words... I wonder how close to 75 I am now...holy crap i hate writing...F*&% Michigan...Ann Arbor is a whore! God Made them Jerkoffs!

I just found this. We're currently beating Michigan 65% to 35%. Let's not let the LOLverines pass us. http://btn.com/2013/05/22/2013-big-ten-helmet-bracket-round-3/ blah blah blah...75 words long...blah blah blah...really? 75 words?? thats a lot of words... I wonder how close to 75 I am now...holy crap i hate writing...F*&% Michigan...Ann Arbor is a whore! God Made them Jerkoffs!

A Close Call - Please pray for the people of Moore, OK

2013-05-22T16:51:09Z

I was at one of my rental properties in the Rock Creek/Wimberley Creek addition in Moore, Oklahoma this past Sunday. The tenants had just moved out and I was busy making repairs to get the home ready to be put back on the market. I was really upset as the tenants had left the place dirty and left small holes all over the wall from pictures they had obviously hung up. I spent four hours perfecting what was wrong and finally had a pristine house ready for rent.

I remember getting a text from my wife reading "Huge tornado headed right at you, get out now!!!" Living in Oklahoma, you get accustomed to tornado warnings and become immune to the sirens. How foolish of a man am I? I remember hearing a low rumbling roar as if a train was headed towards the house and thought to myself, what is that sound? I loaded up the truck with my tools and opened the garage door to get ready to leave. I walked outside to see this "tornado" it was nowhere in sight. My problem was I wasn’t looking broad enough. As I widened my view and took in the bigger picture, I finally saw the monster that was bearing down on me. IT WAS ENORMOUS! I had to make a split decision. The monster was about a mile, maybe two miles away, maybe closer. I hopped in my truck and drove off as fast as I could turning corners way too reckless for a truck loaded with tools, latters, etc.

Less than an hour later I went back to the home I had invested so much time, money and energy in. As I drove through the neighborhood I started to get a grasp of the situation. Homes were completely leveled. The park next to the Heatherwood addition was gone, nonexistent - trees included. With debris everywhere, I drove down the street to the spot the home once stood evading a toilet sitting erect with the seat still intact, a water heater bent in the shape of a "U", the reminisce of what looked like a little kids Power Wheel, and a boat sitting on its side on the front lawn of my neighbor’s yard. Nothing, nada only a foundation and a pile of rubble stood with power lines dangling over the heap. I could not believe my eyes. I felt like I was dreaming .

A community that I call home is a war zone. The aftermath of this monster has left people homeless, tired and weary. People need your help. Please give what you can and keep the families in Moore in your prayers. I lost a house, many lost their homes, and some even lost their lives.

OFF-TOPIC: BHGP Bicycling Jerseys

2013-05-22T16:24:51Z

RAGBRAI is quickly approaching, the new granGable set for FryFest weekend, and surely there will be other bicycle-related shenanigans over the course of the summer. There had been some stated interest in BHGP-related jerseys. We contacted Spreadshirt, and they are not making jerseys at the moment, but plenty of other people are. If we can get critical mass (about 20 orders should do it), we can make this happen for about $50 a jersey.

So, if you're interested, comment below or email me at hawkeyestatebhgp@gmail.com. Also, vote below on what we should put on them.

UPDATE: We have enough participants to make it work, so I'll price out jerseys over Memorial Day. From there, those who are buying can email me information and Paypal money to us for the order. More details here are they are available.

So, if you're interested, comment below or email me at hawkeyestatebhgp@gmail.com. Also, vote below on what we should put on them.

Poll

What should we get on our jerseys?

HAMSTERDAM GOT THAT DIAPER MONEY

2013-05-22T02:16:54Z

It's Comedy Week over at YouTube so there are plenty of videos to check out. One of these videos is below. Lonely Island has been releasing new singles each Wednesday, but dropped this one on Sunday as part of the Comedy Week launch. Enjoy.

IOWA GOLF IN TROUBLE OFF THE TEE

2013-05-19T22:04:00Z

Iowa began NCAA regional play today at Tallahassee's Golden Eagle Golf and Country Club, with eyes set firmly on a berth in the NCAA Championships in Atlanta, scheduled to take place May 28-June 2. As the region's 10-seed, and qualification requiring a top 5 finish, expectations were not necessarily high, but today's performance has to be considered at least slightly disappointing.

While other teams scored seemingly at will, Iowa's best result - carded by sophomore Joseph Winslow - was an even-par 72. Iowa's star junior Steven Ihm finished 2-over, followed by sophomore Brian Billington's at +4. Both Ian Vandersee (soph), and Nathan Yankovich (frosh) managed a five-over 77 to round out the day. Luckily, only the top 4 scores count towards the team total, meaning that Iowa currently sits 299, or +11.

North Florida rode MJ Maguire's 65 (-7) to a day one total of 272 (-16), and a comfortable lead heading into the final two days. Washington is currently second, trailing by four strokes, while regional host Florida State is in third with a score of 11-under. Oregon, Georgia Tech, and South Florida share fourth at 8-under. With just four strokes the difference between T4, and T7, at least eight of the thirteen schools can feel good about their chances of reaching Atlanta.

UPDATE: For those that did not follow along, but remain curious, Iowa finished the weekend in 11th place at +16. Much better Friday and Saturday, but the poor Thursday absolutely crushed their chances of qualifying for Nationals, and ultimately left the Hawkeyes 29 strokes below the cut line. Despite the lackluster finale, Iowa had a solid season. Coach Haskins has Iowa consistently making the regionals, and it's a good sign that qualifying for the NCAA Championships is a fair annual expectation. Congratulations to the Iowa golf team on reaching the Regionals.

The BHGP Playlist

2013-05-18T02:29:51Z

This is my first ever post on BHGP, but I figured this was an easy opportunity. In light of Ricky Stanzi's world-renowned music mix, share your favorite song/s. Whether it be on a workout playlist, your long-drive-listening soundtrack, or just the most recent song you listened to on repeat for hours on end, add it to the thread so that we may be enlightened as to what other members are listening to and maybe add it to our own.

HAMSTERDAM IS DRINKING WITH BERT COOPER

2013-05-18T01:47:52Z

One of my favorite moments from this season of Mad Men is when Bert Cooper is celebrating their (too-early) plan to go public. Pete offers to pour him a drink and Bert asks if Pete has any "spirits of elderflower". It's a fantastic and decidedly European request, hilariously placed for a strange man of the world like Bert Cooper. So what is a spirit of elderflower? It's a liquer made from the flowers of the elderberry plant. The most well-known is St. Germain, a French liquer (/another France Hamdam reference) that is traditionally drunk straight or mixed with champagne. It's also traditionally used in several old-timey cocktails if you ever go to one of those fancy cocktail bars that have lately become the rage.

But liquers of elderflower are not easy to make. The flowers do not grow well in nurseries, every known bottler picks them from the wild in the Alps. They only flower for a 4-6 week period. They're very fragile, having to be picked by hand, and lose a lot of flavor soon after picking*. After they're picked by hand, they're moved only by bicycle, not truck (yes, really) to be macerated right in the alpine fields. Exact recipes for the commercial brands are all a secret, but in general they all boast of how careful their picking and bottling process is to maintain the flavor of the flowers. So next time you're in a liquor store, maybe seek out some spirits of elderflower. It's a tasty liquer that is delicately hand-made and shipped around the world for your consumptive tastes. It's a beautiful world sometimes.

*Ever notice that fresh store-bought blueberries suck compared to frozen ones? Same problem of losing flavor immediately after picking. Frozen blueberries are flash-frozen in the field on special trucks, it's why they're so much tastier than ones you buy "fresh" at the store. Every decent bakery and restaurant uses frozen blueberries, it's the key to good flavor in your muffin/pancake/etc.

Templeton is now available in Memphis TN!!!!

2013-05-17T20:56:56Z

My booze store owner Bob, I call him Bob because I don't know his name, now carries Templeton Rye!!!! At my request, years ago, he never gave up trying to find it. 39.99 a bottle, not bad for not being at home. Because I have to post 75 words Templeton Rye is the greatest booze created ever. It ALMOST makes sex a chore instead of a privilege it's that good. Really. I'm not kidding. It's better then Ali or Chuck Norris. Or both of them combined.

Hamsterdam is Going Legionnaire

2013-05-14T14:12:42Z

No, not Legionnaire's Disease, that stuff sounds awful and I don't want to discuss or even think about it. We're going to the French military as it's been discussed briefly in recent Ham'dams and I find the topic interesting. The French military has been rightly criticized (ridiculed?) for their performance in both World Wars, but they also maintain an incredible military history outside of that embarrassing era. Everybody knows about the brilliance of Napoleon, but from early times (Gauls sacking Rome) to now (French Foreign Legion), France has been a leader in military history. They were the first to encounter modern terrorism and decide how to fight it in their occupation of Algeria. They created the modern military structure of hierarchy based on ability, promotion, and many tiers of leadership that replaced the landed gentry leadership of slave or serf infantry that was the norm prior to the French Revolution. Military words like rifle, carbine, and grenade are French in their etymology for a reason.

Hey, if French military history bores you, how about a brief etymology on the history of the word grenade that includes everybody's favorite Hamsterdam topic: Booze. The pomegranate is a strange but tasty fruit that originated in Iran and is known primarily to Americans through the brand POM Wonderful's pomegranate juice, but should probably be known better as a fruit due to its delicious seeds (called arils) that strangely sit by the hundreds within a lattice pulp structure, I can't think of another fruit with a similar structure. All of that is encased by the hard shell of the pomegranate which gives a structure and appearance that inspired and named the first grenades (see above picture). How did we get from "pomegranate" to "grenade"? Through the intermediary of "grenadine", which originally was an alcoholic tonic made from the bark of pomegranate trees to cure intestinal worms but quickly became the word for a liquer from pomegranate juice. Over time the name and flavor got watered down into something red, sweet, vaguely cherry-tasting and usually containing no pomegranate juice. You can now get this concoction at most grocery stores, but you can still find good grenadine made from pomegranates in specialty stores. Try some if you get a chance. Tasty.

Anyway, I've kept you too long with my strange side stories. On to Hamsterdam!

Hamsterdam is Being Yelled at by Gus Johnson

2013-05-12T02:44:12Z

We blew out a thread much more quickly than expected. Here's a thread for the rest of the weekend. Featuring what is one of my favorite soccer moments of the year.

On ABC, Indiana is attempting to close out New York to take a 2-1 series lead. There may also be some late baseball on, and there's got to be another bad movie on somewhere.

We blew out a thread much more quickly than expected. Here's a thread for the rest of the weekend. Featuring what is one of my favorite soccer moments of the year.

On ABC, Indiana is attempting to close out New York to take a 2-1 series lead. There may also be some late baseball on, and there's got to be another bad movie on somewhere.

The Great Flatsby

2013-05-11T07:04:27Z

SUCK IT, BAZ LUHRMANN

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. "Whenever you feel like criticizing any coach," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had." In consequence, I’m inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious offenses to me.

And, after boasting this way of my tolerance, I come to the admission that it has a limit. Offense may be founded on the power sweep or the spread option, but after a certain point I don’t care what it’s founded on. When I came back from the West sideline last autumn I felt that I wanted the world to be in uniform execution forever; I wanted no more riotous excursions with privileged glimpses into the exotics section. Only Flatsby, the man who gives his name to this book, was exempt from my reaction — Flatsby, who represented everything for which I have an unaffected scorn. It was a matter of chance that I married into one of the strangest communities in North America. It was on that slender riotous sideline which extends itself due west of the Kinnick Stadium field where I was in the consoling proximity of millionaires-all for an administrative assistant’s wages. The history of the summer really begins on the evening I drove over there to have dinner with the Kirk Ferentzes.

Hey, future Bro-in-law! Think fast! Slugs Barnes on shoulder

Ow! I wish you wouldn't do that. And why are you dressed like that?

Duh, it’s 1922. Everyone who’s anyone is dressed like this. Gives noogie

Bunch of trollops if you ask me. Say Barnes, you’re new to the West Sideline, surely you’ve met Flatsby?

Flatsby? What Flatsby?

The conversation quickly turned, leaving the question unanswered and ultimately forgotten as the evening drew to a close. When I reached my estate at West Sideline I sat out for a while under a loud, bright night, with wings beating in the trees and a persistent organ sound as the full bellows of the earth blew the frogs full of life. The silhouette of a moving cat wavered across the moonlight, and turning my head to watch it, I saw that I was not alone — fifty feet away a figure had emerged from the shadow of my neighbor’s mansion and was standing with his arms outstretched, as if drawing a horizontal line on an invisible chalkboard. Something in his leisurely movements and the secure position of his feet upon the lawn suggested that it was Mr. Flatsby himself. But I didn’t call to him, for he gave a sudden intimation that he was content to be alone — he stretched out his arms toward the dark endzone in a curious way, and, far as I was from him, I could have sworn he was trembling. Involuntarily I glanced fieldward — and distinguished nothing except a single first down marker, minute and far away, that might have been the end of a drive. When I looked once more for Flatsby he had vanished, and I was alone again in the unquiet darkness.

**********

There were scrimmages in my neighbor’s yard through the summer nights. In the green and black field turf, men and boys came and went like moths in between awkward whisperings of no huddle offense. Stretch left, stretch right, quick slants, 1 yard outs, 3 yard outs, and the elaborate bubble screens were rehearsed and re-rehearsed. Lineman and position players alike toiled all day, running for 30 yards for a gain of 2, getting up, and running again.

I believe that on the first night I went to Flatsby’s house, I was one of the few guests who had actually been invited. It mattered little--invited and uninvited guests alike were quickly thrown into the mix. Anyone with "fresh legs" was sent in to run an out, or a slant, as Flatsby searched for that elusive speed that is all but non-existent on West Sideline.

I was on the bench now, enjoying myself with a Gatorade in each hand when a man about my age approached me and smiled.

Your face is familiar; weren’t you a graduate assistant in the past?

Why, yes. And I was recently in the news for a bit. You see, I’m marrying one of the Ferentz daughters. Barnes is the name. You want to hear something weird? I live literally next door, and this weirdo Flatsby sends his chauffeur with an invitation to this scrimmage, which doesn’t seem to actually require invitations. I mean, what’s up with this guy, huh?

…I’m Flatsby.

Oh! Well, this is quite awkward…

Yes. Yes, it is…

...

A Ferentz daughter, you say?

Uh, yeah. Why, you know any Ferentzes?

I knew Brian…from a distance. Stares wistfully into space

I almost recruited him to Texas. He had a way of playing just this side of dirty. And sometimes the other side too. He’d have fit right in with us. We had Chris Simms at the time and passed downfield quite a bit, and Brian stayed at home and played for daddy and Drew Tate. Well, I vowed then and there I would do anything it took to get his and his daddy’s attention. I thought, what better way than to throw the most horizontal scrimmages ever witnessed on West Sideline. And by gum, it worked after just 11 years!

That’s, uh, persistence.

Quite right, old boy. Trouble is, he’s still a Ferentz at heart. It’s all about tight ends for them. "Ooh, look at me, I coached Rob Gronkowski." Gronk is dumber than a…well, he’s dumber than any Texan metaphor ever written, and I’ve got scads of them. All his plays are called RUN THERE, CATCH THIS.

...

Which brings me to the reason you are here. If you could get me a meeting with Brian, without Kirk around, I think I could really sell this horizontal thing.

Well, they’re pretty close, and they don’t really listen to me, but I’ll see what I can do.

Later, back at the Ferentz House...

Hey, future lil bro! Titty twister

I hate you. By the way, this is the enigmatic Flatsby you’ve heard so much about.

Nice to meet you, Flatsby! I got an idea, let’s go to Manhattan! Why don’t you come too, dad!?

Aww, hell...

And so, the party proceeds to the Plaza Hotel Manhattan. Barnes and Flatsby take Flatsby’s yellow roadster…

...while the Ferentzes take Kirk’s coupé.

Could you pass the pepper please, Flatsby?

Pepper?! What happened to the son I raised? Pepper is just needless flavor.

Sure, son. You see how we pass the pepper around the outside of the table? Sometimes, that’s more effective than trying to go straight across the table through traffic. But you gotta pass it fast!

You’re laying on the innuendo pretty thick, there, Flatsby.

Hey Brian, did you know I wrote a sweep play called In U End-o Around-o? As soon as I find an end that can run a 3.8 40, that play’ll get me 3 yards, every time.

Alright, I think we’re done here. Let’s go, Bri.

You don’t have to listen to him, son. We could keep talking offense and I can give you a ride home in the frozen banana—that’s what I call my roadster.

No, Flatsby, he’s coming with me.

Why do you guys have to be like this?? Can’t we just use a little bit from each of your playbooks? I know, how about a road race? Winner gets my input.

A race? Sounds dangerous. We could hit that nice lady whose husband runs the gas station. How about a parallel parking contest?

Parallel? I do like the sound of that. You’ve got a deal.

I’ve made a huge mistake.

The parallel parking contest raged on for 7 years until, on October 29, 1929, thousands of newly unemployed traders poured into the streets. The contest was called on account of severe depression, and no winner declared.

Flatsby believed in the first down, the orgiastic speed that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter--to-morrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther...And one fine morning--

So we punt on, pro sets against 9 man fronts, borne back ceaselessly into the backfield.

SUCK IT, BAZ LUHRMANN

Hey, future Bro-in-law! Think fast! Slugs Barnes on shoulder

Ow! I wish you wouldn't do that. And why are you dressed like that?

Duh, it’s 1922. Everyone who’s anyone is dressed like this. Gives noogie

Bunch of trollops if you ask me. Say Barnes, you’re new to the West Sideline, surely you’ve met Flatsby?

Flatsby? What Flatsby?

**********

I was on the bench now, enjoying myself with a Gatorade in each hand when a man about my age approached me and smiled.

Your face is familiar; weren’t you a graduate assistant in the past?

…I’m Flatsby.

Oh! Well, this is quite awkward…

Yes. Yes, it is…

...

A Ferentz daughter, you say?

Uh, yeah. Why, you know any Ferentzes?

I knew Brian…from a distance. Stares wistfully into space

That’s, uh, persistence.

...

Which brings me to the reason you are here. If you could get me a meeting with Brian, without Kirk around, I think I could really sell this horizontal thing.

Well, they’re pretty close, and they don’t really listen to me, but I’ll see what I can do.

Later, back at the Ferentz House...

Hey, future lil bro! Titty twister

I hate you. By the way, this is the enigmatic Flatsby you’ve heard so much about.

Nice to meet you, Flatsby! I got an idea, let’s go to Manhattan! Why don’t you come too, dad!?

Aww, hell...

And so, the party proceeds to the Plaza Hotel Manhattan. Barnes and Flatsby take Flatsby’s yellow roadster…

...while the Ferentzes take Kirk’s coupé.

Could you pass the pepper please, Flatsby?

Pepper?! What happened to the son I raised? Pepper is just needless flavor.

Sure, son. You see how we pass the pepper around the outside of the table? Sometimes, that’s more effective than trying to go straight across the table through traffic. But you gotta pass it fast!

You’re laying on the innuendo pretty thick, there, Flatsby.

Hey Brian, did you know I wrote a sweep play called In U End-o Around-o? As soon as I find an end that can run a 3.8 40, that play’ll get me 3 yards, every time.

Alright, I think we’re done here. Let’s go, Bri.

You don’t have to listen to him, son. We could keep talking offense and I can give you a ride home in the frozen banana—that’s what I call my roadster.

No, Flatsby, he’s coming with me.

Why do you guys have to be like this?? Can’t we just use a little bit from each of your playbooks? I know, how about a road race? Winner gets my input.

A race? Sounds dangerous. We could hit that nice lady whose husband runs the gas station. How about a parallel parking contest?

Parallel? I do like the sound of that. You’ve got a deal.

I’ve made a huge mistake.

So we punt on, pro sets against 9 man fronts, borne back ceaselessly into the backfield.

Hamsterdam is Getting Closer to Immortality

2013-05-10T15:07:50Z

Functional Immortality is coming. Possibly within the lifetimes of younger BHGPers (futurist Kurzweil thinks it's probable within the next 40 years). Medicine has long been set up to fix symptoms, but the research world is now racing to prevent symptoms by keeping us perpetually young and healthy. Stem cell research has been a huge step, there will be more.

I bring up this topic because just this week a team at the Harvard Stem Cell Institute announced that they have identified in our research rat friends a cure for heart aging. All you do is up the dosage of a specific protein (called GDF-11) and their hearts remain perpetually young and strong. They think they might have effectively ended heart aging, and it might be coming to humans in pill form rather quickly. The trials in rats have been so good that it's been fast-tracked and there's a realistic possibility it will be available to us within 5 years.

Anyway, to Hamsterdam, y'all. May Hamsterdam live forever.

Hamsterdam is a Lip Sync Battle Champion

2013-05-09T01:04:25Z

John Krasinski went from breakout star on The Office, to guy that needs to hurry up, and move on from The Office, almost immediately after S4. This man is funny, and deserved better than the slow decline of a once great show, and a role in an under-appreciated rom-com . The video below, while a bit long at 8 minutes, shows just that.

Oh, and another thing, NBC needs to replace Leno with Fallon already. This is more fun in 8 minutes than Leno has had on his show in years.