The glorious finale to The Zook Murders will be published Sunday, mainly because there's a plot point in it that makes the Illinois game utterly impossible. Let's take a look on the field.

On paper, Iowa should win.  Iowa has the more consistent, if not better, offense and a defense geared to stop exactly what Illinois wants to do.  However, games are not played on paper (except at California, where the field is made from freshly shredded old oak, just to piss off the hippies).

These bastards hate football

When Iowa Has the Ball

If Illinois stops Shonn Greene, it will be a complete aberration from their usual performance on defense. They had much less reason to fear the Wisconsin passing game, and Wisconsin ran all over Illinois, even after their best receiver (Beckum) was shelved.  The Illinois defense is clearly suffering after losing Captain America himself, as opponents are running for over 150 yards per game on them. Brit Miller is a tackling machine, but he's not getting much help from his defensive line, who would rather whiff on tackles than keep their blockers off the linebackers. As for Illinois' pass defense, it's just plain not good enough, as evidenced by the fact that Illinois never approached a come-from-behind victory against Mizzou, Minnesota, or Wisconsin, despite monster days from Juice Williams. Corner Vontae Davis is a legitimate talent, but he's also the guy getting owned by DJK in this...

...and he's their best defensive back.

That said, though, Illinois stopping the Iowa running game would hardly be the biggest strategic victory in college football history, especially since Iowa is - how do we say? - predictable. Of course, so is Freddy Krueger, and predictability didn't usually stop him.

Ricky Stanzi seems to be moving away from the drive-killing Stanziballs and Stanziscrambles that singlehandedly ended any chance of victory against MSU and NU. Are his obvious mistakes the difference between Iowa's last two losses and their last two wins? Tough to say, but if Iowa keeps coming away from those red zone trips with 3 or 7 points instead of 0, it's awfully hard to say that Sparty or Just Northwestern beats us.  In starts against Iowa State, Northwestern, and Michigan State, Stanzi was a net liability to this offense; against Indiana and Wisconsin, he was unquestionably an asset.

The other good news for the offense is that Tony Moeaki and Seth Olsen are practicing. Any production from Moeaki has long since been declared gravy, especially with Myers and Reisner comprising a formidable TE duo in their own right.  Nonetheless, when not limping off the field while holding a random body part, Moeaki runs like a receiver and blocks like a third tackle.  In this offense, where a tight end's receiving abilities are almost as important as his blocking skill, both assets are appreciated.  Olsen had better be 100%, because (as we covered before) Kuempel was great in his absence.  Wisconsin's rush defense might have given up after about 20 minutes of game time, but those huge rushes that made Wisconsin give up were all under Kuempel. The two factors aren't exactly coincidental, you know.

Again, we're strictly on paper and Iowa has a noticeable recent history of turtling in hostile environments, but there is a distinct talent advantage here while Iowa is on offense, especially along the front lines.  It's been enough to keep the turnover-prone incarnation of Iowa in contention in road games against Pitt and Michigan State.  It should be enough to get the more mistake-proof edition over the top.

When Illiinois Has the Ball

This is hard to call, to say the least. This is the most physically capable Iowa defense since at least 2004 and probably before then, and it has been unfazed by backs far greater than Jason Ford and Daniel Dufrene.

Illinois' offense is predicated on making you respect the run, and let's face it, Iowa's linebackers don't really have much incentive to sell out toward the LOS in respect of the run unless Illinois proves they can make Iowa do so. Kroul and Unusual Punishment are sufficiently talented and experienced enough to force Illinois' gameplan to the outside (or if Illinois refuses to adjust, K&UP guarantee Automatic Win).

At linebacker, Edds and Hunter have proven themselves sufficiently athletic enough to be effective between the hashes and sidelines on stretch runs, so it's very hard to imagine an offensive philosophy for Illinois that doesn't involve heavy amounts of deep attack passing.  The upshot?  Iowa's strength plays directly against Illinois' strength.  Further, Its weakness is not nearly as exploitable by the Illini.

BHGP's weakness? Like you had to ask...

That defensive weakness: Safety. Look, you know we're not Brett Greenwood fans. He's good at preventing big plays through the air, which necessitates his being one step slow to curls, corners, and ins/outs. He can be thrown at between the 10s, and he usually is.  Ty Sash, by way of comparison, brings some serious lumber. His high level of activity was paramount in Iowa's effort to shut down ISU's ground game in an environment that wouldn't allow a passing game. Now, of course he's not the cover guy Greenwood is, but SSs rarely are, and depending on them to be so is a recipe for disaster.

Here's what worries me: Juice Williams' far biggest numbers have come while the team is behind, when Zook completely abandons the run aspect that keeps teams close to the line of scrimmage. We may well find out what happens if they throw it all over the field straight from the opening kick, especially against a defense that:

A) Sold out against their run, often refusing to go dime when Illinois lined up 4-wide;

B) Has a long history of not changing tendencies;

C) Has never seen a pass-wacky Illinois offense, even as all the Illini talent this season lies in their air game (BONUS: co-starting RB Daniel Dufrene leaves the team on his own accord during practice this week);

D) Exists to break our hearts.

By the way, if you ever needed a perfect example of the cost of attrition, look no further than Pat Angerer. Had Angerer left after last season, few Hawk fans would have batted an eye or given it any thought in regards to the 2-deep, where Angerer barely spent any time--he was too busy being injured or mononucleosised. But instead of following his instincts and quitting, he stuck around and is now a high-level MLB. So while at the time it's hard to say losing, let's say, Marcus Wilson was disastrous, we'd certainly feel better about the safety position if Burnt Firewood (err, Brett Greenwood) had beaten him out for the starting spot.

Some good news for the Hawkeyes is on the edges, where Adrian Clayborn is expected back at end. While Broderick Binns and Chad Geary have been adequate in replacement, Binns' motor is questionable and Geary is not exactly a high-ceiling player. With big-time skill players like Illinois has, having an relentless, athletic end like Clayborn on the field makes everyone else's jobs a lot easier.

Prognosis

God, do not make me do this. Iowa should win by 10-14 points. Illinois is somewhere between inconsistent and mortally flawed. Juice can only throw when the Illini are behind, and even then the defense isn't good enough to hold the other team in check while Illinois scores enough to come back.

At the same time, one stop of Greene and one easily picked Stanziball throws Iowa into a world of hurt. Can you trust Stanzi not to give Illinois a chance to score off him? Can you trust Iowa to come back from a defensive touchdown? Would you be willing to place money on that trust? I'm not.

We'll say 23-16 Iowa from the safety of our nuclear shelter and with a 6-cent bet in at Vegas. Anything else would be reckless.

You want to know how bad last year's game went? 
This play ended in an Indiana touchdown.
That is not a joke.

Oh yeah, we almost forgot.  There's a game tomorrow.  Iowa-Indiana, 11:00, BTN.

The Indiana game has been a yackety sax-inducing comedy of errors for Iowa for the past two years.  In 2006, Iowa entered the IU game off a 47-17 win over Purdue; the stunning loss that day was the final stake to the heart of the myth of Iowa as an up-and-coming elite program.  Iowa fell out of the top 25 after that loss, and hasn't seen the poll since.  Last year, every bouce went Indiana's way (how often does your quarterback complete a pass to the fullback in the flat, recover the fullback's fumble, and take it 71 yards for a touchdown?) and, despite one of Christensen's best days as a starting quarterback, Iowa never recovered.  Of course, those two games included prominent displays of ineptitude by Adam Shada while "covering" James Motherfuckin' Hardy.

Keep your friends close and the guy who treats you like a bitch closer

When Indiana Has the Ball

This year, there's no more Shada.  There's no more Hardy.  However, there still is Kirk Ferentz, who is 3-4 against Indiana in his nine seasons at Iowa (Indiana rotated off Iowa's schedule in 2003-04). There is an interesting correlation between Ferentz's success against Indiana and the mobility of the Hoosier quarterback:

Ferentz is 1-4 against Indiana when the Hoosier signal-caller can run the ball, and 2-0 when he prefers to stand in the pocket and wait.  For anyone who has watched Iowa football over the last decade, it shouldn't be that surprising.

The bad news?  Kellen Lewis is back.  The good news?  He's not necessarily the quarterback.  Lewis has started every game behind center, but went only 11/25 in an embarassing loss to in-state stepchild Ball State (for the record, he ran for 150 yards in that game).  The next week, he split snaps with sophomore Ben Chappell - and was used at wide receiver - in a home loss to Michigan State.  Last week, he took the vast majority of the reps against Minnesota, but ran the ball only nine times for 18 yards.

Last year, it wasn't just Lewis and Hardy who tore apart Iowa's defense.  Fullback Josiah Sears caught pass after pass in the flats with space to move.  By the end of the day, he racked up seven catches for 58 yards (and the aforementioned fumble).  The numbers weren't important; the catches came in critical down-and-distance situations and extended drives that should have been dead.  Sears graduated, but Indiana has used receiver/back Ray Fisher as this year's outlet receiver, and starting halfback Marcus Thigpen is an accomplished pass-catcher from the backfield.  Anyone who watched this year's Iowa-Northwestern game knows the Hawks are still susceptible to the swing pass.  Expect Indiana to attack the flats all afternoon.

Fortunately, there has been no replacement for James Hardy.  IU's top receiver, Andrew Means, has caught just three passes for 30 yards in two Big Ten games.  Freshman Demarlo Belcher (which is Spanish for "of marlo belcher") has been their best receiver lately, but that's not saying much.  The passing game - especially the deep passing game that has massacred Iowa the past two years - isn't much of a concern.  Recent history indicates that if Lewis plays quarterback and runs effectively, either in designed run plays or while scrambling, Indiana has a good chance of racking up a bunch of points on Iowa.  If he doesn't play, or is content to sit in the pocket, Indiana has virtually no chance of winning this game.

When Iowa Has the Ball

As for the Iowa offense, Indiana has been horrendous against good running backs.  Ball State halfback MiQuale Lewis ran for 166 yards.  Ringer followed that up with 198.  Expect a healthy dose of the run from Iowa, especially from Shonn Greene (who even Michigan State fans are conceding might be the best back in the Big Ten).  Indiana's pass defense has forced a bunch of incompletions, but has also given up huge chunks of yardage on deep plays.  Given Iowa's speed on the outside, I think we have to throw d ... throw dee ... thrHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!  Of course we won't throw deep!  That's the LOLZ! 

I haven't watched enough of Indiana to know just how susceptible the Hoosiers might be to the three-yard out route.  Clearly, their ability to defend the super-double-secret Iowa passing game will decide who wins.

Prognosis

The more I look at this, the better I feel.  This is not a good Indiana team.  They were never close in a home loss to Ball State.  They were never close in a home loss to Michigan State.  They were shut down by Minnesota.  It's clear Bill Lynch is trying to move this offense closer to the pass-happy Purdue spread than the hybrid qb run/deep pass spread of the past two years.  Throw in the Hawkeye defense's success when facing a similar offense against Iowa State (and the Clones offense might actually be better than this one), and this might be the one time we can keep Indiana under 30 points.

This is as close to a must-win as we get, though.  A loss here effectively ends any hope of a bowl appearance and - let's face it - any hope of a quick turnaround.  A win, and the "six plays from 6-0" meme lives to see another day.

In 2001, a young but relatively experienced Iowa team with a new starting quarterback started with three wins, dropped a couple of tough losses to start the Big Ten season, and got their first conference win against Indiana.  Anyone else think it feels like 2001 in here?

Iowa 27 - Indiana 17

So, the Big Ten schedule is starting. That's big news, folks, big news. At least that's what I have to tell myself tonight, anyway.

My ho-hummery stems from one simple fact about the game--it's just Northwestern. They're the Rain Man of Big Ten football--unusually smart, probably too inept to live alone or wear shoes without Velcro. A Northwestern player is great if you want to learn how to program your TI-85, but fucking miserable on the gridiron.

Northwestern is led by Pat Fitzgerald, an absolute fraud of a coach. Fitzgerald is the Trig Palin of Big Ten coaches: impossibly young for the center stage, a result of unexpected catastrophe, and severely retarded.

Fitzgerald is best known for being the Big Ten's youngest coach since 1917, when following a lost bet, the Michigan Wolverines were coached for one week by seven-year-old Hamilton Wiltonwood. They won by 83 points. In addition, Fitzgerald coached the entire month of October 2006 without pants, resulting in a crippling four-game skid. Wait, did we say "crippling"? This is just Northwestern, so we meant "annual."

The Wildcat quarterback is C.J. Bacher (Bacher, of course, is French for "frightened rabbit"). Bacher is coming off a 19 TD, 19 INT season and is once again not expected to contend for any meaningful postseason honors. Bacher's production is suffering in 2008 largely due to sore fingers; his injury is no surprise, as the human hand is not designed to spend three hours every Saturday with its thumb up its owner's posterior.

At tailback, Northwestern boasts Tyrell Sutton, easily one of the three best tailbacks in the nation conference state local area (ETHS has a couple burners). Sutton, not understanding the definition of a tautology, announced that he was 100% on account of his self-diagnosis of 100%. Because hamstring injuries totally disappear in seven days, you know.

Northwestern's wide receivers are six frat brothers playing a cruel prank on Fitzgerald. You'll know I'm right when Bacher throws to a receiver named "Bonestick" wearing #69.

The Northwestern wide receivers, as far as Fitzgerald knows. Beware P-Dawg's deceptive speed.

On defense, the Wildcats "appear" to be tough. We use quotations with "appear" because any notion of actual competence is flatly fucking ridiculous. This is the same defense that gave up 31 points a game last season, while allowing 243 passing yards per game on 63% passing. You may remember them from such farces as "Jake Christensen torches NU for over 200 yards in one half" and "No seriously that Jake Christensen thing happened."

Northwestern's stats are much improved on defense this season, and for good reason: they have played absolutely fucking nobody. This is their slate so far: Syracuse, @Duke, Southern Illinois, Ohio. Seriously, that's it. I was going to make a "St. Mary's Sisterhood of the Retarded and/or Canadian" joke, but why? Syracuse is worse than that. So sure, you guys have given up like 20 points or whatever, but come on. Northwestern makes Minnesota look like the 1985 Bears.

As for Iowa's approach to attacking Northwestern, it will be two words:

Quarterback. Sneak.

No, it's Shonn Greene. Of course it is. Sure, he only lasted three quarters in last week's demolition derby, but his conditioning improves from week to week--he set career highs against Pitt in both carries and yards. Look for him to encounter significantly less resistance against a line that comes from just Northwestern. 200 yards and 4 TDs? Probably.

How important is it that Greene put together another high-powered performance? Let's let Captain Kirk put everything into proper perspective:

Asked this week if he had considered where his offense would be had running back Shonn Greene not successfully made it back from a year of academic exile, Iowa football coach Kirk Ferentz gave a pretty good indication of how much Greene means to the Hawkeyes, who open Big Ten play at 11 a.m. today against Northwestern.

"No, I didn’t think about that," Ferentz said sharply. "I didn’t think about our plane crashing the other day, either. That could have happened. I try to avoid topics like that. I have enough things that are bringing me down."

Allegory: The Paki O'Meara Experience

As for the passing game, Iowa will whip out the Hangin' and Swangin' Dick Stanzi again. Christensen had his opportunity to solidify the starting role by leading a second-half comeback against Pitt, and that clearly didn't happen. And yes, while SDS throws way too many Stanziballs, far more than Christensen does, at some point an offense needs the ability to consistently hit through the air, and Stanzi's probably the only one on the roster who can do that.

Meanwhile, the entire Iowa receiving corps is healthy and eligible for the first time since 19-fuckity-never. Between Tony Moeaki's health problems and Iowa's near-constant need for 2-TE sets in 2007, the Hawkeyes now have three very capable tight ends.

Similar problems with injuries have provided Iowa with five WRs with starting experience, and all (with the only possible exception of Stross) have improved since 2007. That's not to say, of course, that Iowa's going to rewrite receiving records or that NU needs to be prepared for that A-11 shit (unless Fitz is reading this; in that case, YES ABSOLUTELY PREPARE FOR ONLY THAT), but the weapons are finally there.

If you want a prediction, here it is: Iowa 31, Just Northwestern 13. Northwestern is the worst 4-0 BCS team in many years, and this week will only confirm it.

Sure, Iowa just outlasted an underwhelming Iowa State team, 17-5. But how much do we really know? What was really important about beating ISU? What does it all mean, Basil? The Takeaway has the answer.

In the most gruesome play of the afternoon, Matt Kroul rips Iowa State quarterback Austin Arnaud's head off. No penalty was called, as Kroul did not grip the face mask.

The Hawkeye defense is as deep as it is tough. For the third time in as many games this season, Iowa held its opponent out of the end zone, limiting the Cyclones to five lousy points; ISU's points came from a made field goal and two pity points after kicker Grant Mahoney clanged a kick from 21 yards away.

The third quarter looked disturbingly similar to the first half of last season's Iowa-ISU game, where the ball was on Iowa's side of the field the whole time. This time, the Cyclones couldn't even put points on the board with special teams. All credit goes to what might end up being the stoutest defense in the conference. While most of the top-end talent is on the defensive line, there are no real weak spots in terms of athleticism, performance, or depth.

Nowhere is that more ably demonstrated than the secondary. If you'd told us that Jordan Bernstine would barely be on the two-deeps at this point, we'd be horrified at the prospects for the pass defense. Sure enough, as he recovers from hamstring problems, Bernstine is essentially the fourth corner on the depth chart, and those in front of him are showing no signs of relenting any snaps. Bradley Fletcher has improved demonstrably from last year, Amari Spievey is the surest tackler at CB for Iowa since Benny Sapp, and true freshman Shaun Prater was in at crunch time, breaking up ISU's last gasp in the back of the end zone on fourth down.

All in all, though Austen Arnaud seemed to pick apart the Iowa pass defense at times, the Clones couldn't get in the end zone again (it's been more than 10 quarters since they've hit pay dirt vs. Iowa), and the Iowa defense is now ranked third nationally in pass efficiency. Credit should also go to the linebackers, especially AJ Edds, but great pass defense starts in the secondary, and Iowa is rock-solid there.

Another example? Why, sure. Harold Dalton started all last season at strong safety, and he was no liability. Then, during spring practices, coaches frequently mentioned Dalton's backup, Lance Tillison (who, by the way, is jacked as hell), as a strong contender to start. So with both Tillison and Dalton healthy, the coaches started Tyler Sash, a freshman from Oskaloosa. Sash responded with 12 tackles, a key third-down sack, and a goal-line interception that he ran out to the one-yard-line before walking out of bounds. That was one boneheaded play in an otherwise brilliant debut for Sash, who should be a strong contender for the BXI's defensive player of the week honors.

Broderick Binns is also good.

You want more? We'll give you more. Pat Angerer's first two years at Iowa were disasters, last season marked by mononucleosis and a variety of injuries. He thought about quitting football, and few would have questioned him. He stayed, and on Saturday he usurped Jacody Coleman, who started multiple games as a true freshman last season in relief of Mike Klinkenborg. Angerer was flying around the field all day against ISU, but no play was bigger than him blowing up a screen pass on third and short with Iowa protecting a 10-3 lead. Iowa State was forced to punt, and this happened:

Ballgame.

Iowa's ground game is no longer a question mark. Shonn Greene's numbers look good on their own: 20 carries, 120 yards, one touchdown. That they came in the rain is seemingly no surprise, as rain is supposed to help a ground game (and let's be clear, in dry conditions, he doesn't sneak out of that tackle and gain 31 yards in the first quarter). But make no mistake, Greene would have easily topped 150 yards on a decent field yesterday.

Greene slipped several times on the slick surface, usually every time he tried to make a hard cut. Thanks to outstanding blocking from Bryan Bulaga and the rest of the offensive line, Greene rarely encountered any trouble near the line of scrimmage, and when he did, his strength was enough to carry him forward for respectable numbers. Perhaps ISU's just miserable in the front seven, but we're not so quick to discount the quality of what appears to be Iowa's most brutish ground game since the days of Nick Bell.

  The Surgeon General recommends that you avoid trying to tackle Shonn Greene at all costs. Also, eat 4-6 servings of vegetables every day.

Iowa's passing game, on the other hand, is more of a concern than ever. Oh boy, where do we even start? How about Stanzi to Brodell in the first quarter? Having drawn ISU offsides on a hard count, Stanzi had a free play, and he rolled out to his right, looking long. There was Andy Brodell, who was laughably, insanely open. Rather than squaring his shoulders and planting his feet, Stanzi threw on the run, despite no evident pressure from the ISU rush. The pass sailed and missed Brodell by about three yards, and what should have been an easy touchdown to put the Cyclones down by 10 early instead fell to the ground harmlessly. A false start erased the five-yard bonus of the offsides call immediately afterwards, and the Iowa drive would end in an interception. Indeed, Iowa wouldn't see those points until the fourth quarter, well after the end of the Ricky Stanzi Experience.

Stanzi's overall numbers were as horrifying as his play seemed to indicate: 5-14, 75 yards, 0 touchdowns, two interceptions. The second pick was so ill-advised that Ferentz had no choice to bring in Christensen--it was a curl route into triple coverage that wouldn't have even garnered a first down on third and long. Stanzi sailed passes all game long, including one on third down in the end zone to an easily open Allen Reisner on the game's first drive. Between that and the Brodell debacle, Stanzi left 11 points off the board for Iowa on those two throws. It's tough to say whether Christensen would have erred so badly on the same two plays.

Christensen entered the game with one play remaining in the third quarter. He started the drive with a checkdown pass to Shonn Greene, who motored ahead for a first down, and later Christensen made arguably the most important move of the game without throwing the ball. Facing 3rd and a long 4 at the ISU 25, Christensen audibled to an off-tackle run for Greene, who took it inside the Clones' 5-yard-line. Greene scored on the next play, and Iowa had all the momentum from there on out.

Don't tackle him, it only makes him mad.

Christensen still looked shaky, though, despite converting four of his five passes. Only the pass to Greene resulted in over five yards or a first down, and Iowa went three and out while trying to protect that 10-3 lead late in the fourth.

Anyone who tells you right now who will start at Pittsburgh this Saturday is either guessing or lying. They don't know. Kirk Ferentz doesn't even know. So naturally we don't know. We do know that nobody was booing Jake when he came in this week, and nobody's going to be booing him for a while after Iowa hoisted that stupid-looking trophy that ought to be thrown into a volcano like some sort of reverse sucktastic Ring of Sauron. The QB race continues, and as long as Iowa keeps winning, that's just fine.

It may be a shitty trophy, but it's our shitty trophy.

Photo credits, top to bottom: John Schultz, Lee News Service/QC Times; John Schultz, Lee News Service/QC Times; Doug Dornath, HawkeyeSports.com; John Schultz, Lee News Service/QC Times; AP Photo/Charlie Niebergall; John Schultz, Lee News Service/QC Times

Sure, Iowa just throttled a wildly overmatched FIU team, 42-0. But how much do we really know? What was really important about beating FIU? What does it all mean, Basil? The Takeaway has the answer.

Adrian Clayborn is about to get your face pregnant.

1. The defense is still awesome. Sure, Iowa won 42-0, but for the defense, the score remains 3-2; that's how many points opposing offenses have scored, and how many points the Iowa defense has scored. It was almost a 9-3* lead for the Hawkeyes, as AJ Edds was one shoestring away from taking a pick to the house in the second quarter. All told, Iowa harassed the, uh, "Golden Panthers" (how that isn't a sex act in UrbanDictionary.com is beyond me--oh wait, here we go) into three turnovers, including two embarrassingly easy interceptions. Iowa is now +2 in turnover margin on the season, and it's a lot easier to win games if you're on the right side of that metric (also helpful: playing wretched football teams every week).

Speaking of giving the ball up, while Stanzi absolutely punished the FIU defense to the tune of 162 yards and 3 TDs on only 8-10 passing, he once again threw an unconscionable pass. This one was dropped by a stationary FIU defender after hitting him square in the numbers. Stanzi showed flashes of brilliance Saturday, but--if uncorrected--his penchant for stupid throws will come back to haunt Iowa once the real season begins (and that would be this weekend).

Off to Never-Never-Land.

2. Colin Sandeman is ready to play in the Big Ten. Sandeman was pressed into action last season out of sheer necessity, returning punts and going over the middle despite weighing roughly a buck oh five. He's a different player altogether these days, and his two scores against FIU signaled to the Big Ten that the Iowa receiving corps is deep and dangerous. That felt really weird to type.

DJK is Iowa's top receiver these days, as he does things nobody else on the team can do. His tightrope act over the last five yards of his touchdown catch was probably the most masterful play of the entire game, and it set a clear tone for the entire game: Iowa will dominate. Even when Stross comes back in a week (and hopefully no later than that), it's unlikely that DJK will be unseated from the starting lineup.

As far as Brodell, he was once again lightly used as a receiver, gaining just 15 yards from scrimmage on two catches. That's fine for early season games against punching bags, but we're hoping to see more from him as the season goes on. He's most effective in space, so the dreaded bubble screen ought to return to Iowa's repertoire any day now. We don't know why O'Keefe hasn't busted it out yet; do the coaches think opposing teams don't know about it? Trust us, they do.

You happy now, assholes?

3. Anyone who booed Jake Christensen is a lowlife piece of shit. The boos were largely coming from the student section, which isn't a complete surprise; having been students at Iowa ourselves, we know good and goddamn well that Chicagoland's unbrightest 19-year-olds can barely be trusted ever, much less at 12 noon after four hours of sleep and 11 beers. That's no excuse. No real fan boos like that, especially not a kid who's been a class act the whole way and never once complained even as he was getting sacked four times a game and was throwing to receivers who had no business being on the field, much less starting. Not to go all Mike Gundy on you, but this certainly merits mention:

He's a good kid. Further, he's not even a bad quarterback--despite his first drive stalling, he did end up going 8-12 for 99 yards and a score. His touchdown to Sandeman was beautifully thrown. Hardly the work of someone who's bad at football or who, as Pat Harty idiotically claimed** (not making this up), "was set up to fail."

And so now we have a new quarterback who's almost certainly going to start against Iowa State next week, and a very good (maybe even better) backup that doesn't dare set foot on the field unless Iowa's down by two scores and Stanzi is visibly drunk. It's a shame.

We don't know yet what the Daily Iowan's coverage of the game will look like, but as the paper of record for the UI campus, it had goddamn better excoriate the students for an unbelievably classless gesture to Christensen, who has handled himself on and off the field with an almost unreasonable amount of maturity. That his fellow students can't be bothered to even try to return the favor suggests that Christensen deserves far, far better, and the Iowa students deserve far worse. Grow up, you insufferable little pricks.

Clayborn and Sandeman photos are via John Schulz of the QC Times; the Christensen picture is via Charlie Neibergall of the AP. All photos from HawkMania's picture thread, which is quite worth your time, especially when Clayborn is caving in McCall's spinal column.

*Yes, we're giving the defense the extra points on those, otherwise it's unfair when both sides score a TD.
**It would be entirely disingenuous for me to take that shot at Harty without mentioning the rest of his column, which was very respectful to Christensen and unequivocal in its disdain for the boobirds. Then again, Christensen's now the backup QB; how can the media not love him?

Sure, Iowa just throttled a wildly overmatched Maine team, 46-3. But how much do we really know? What was really important about beating Maine? What does it all mean, Basil? The Takeaway has the answer.

1. There is no answer at quarterback yet. Both quarterbacks looked decent at times and brutal at others. Jake Christensen doesn't appear to have any touch on his throws, but when he's got time and an open primary receiver, he's lethal. The interception was a poorly thrown pass, and Iowa was lucky to come away with 15 yards off a pass interference penalty when he badly underthrew Brodell on a post.
   
   But Stanzi, while appearing more "poised," threw some absolutely brainless passes yesterday. One ended up being a first down on an out to DJK, but a I-A defensive back would have taken it the other way for six. The other was a softly-thrown jump ball to a walk-on TE in the back of the end zone. In double coverage. Again, a real team picks that. Past that, while he was mostly steady in the pocket, the Iowa offense sputtered under Stanzi until the 4th, when even Maine had given up on using starters.
   
   Neither player distinguished himself yesterday, and it's safe to assume Ferentz will be using both QBs in a similar rotation over the next few weeks until one proves to be substantially more effective.
   
   
2. Adrian Clayborn is every bit the nightmarebeast we expected, and then some. Clayborn was all over the field yesterday, stuffing runs, harassing the Maine backfield, and making effective reads all game long.
   
   Clayborn ended the day with eight tackles, leading all Hawkeyes. He also broke up two passes and, in one particularly telling instance, discharged his babies on Maine QB Adam Farkes' face.
   
   
   Get your own fucking towel.
   
   
3. Welcome back, Andy Brodell. Anyone who doubted Brodell's impact on Iowa's success no longer has an excuse for their ignorance. Brodell only caught one early pass for 16 yards, but he took an end-around 24 yards on the opening drive and registered 81 return yards, constantly placing Iowa in favorable field position. Again, this is just Maine, so he probably won't be averaging 15 yards per return. But he's very effective in space, a shifty runner who maintains momentum toward the goal line at all times. He'll have plenty of bigger days in the stat book than yesterday, but just seeing that he was the Andy Brodell of old was exciting enough for us.
   
   Oh, and he's a vicious blocker.
   
   
   
   That's nice too.

[Both photos credited to Matthew Holst, Iowa City Press-Citizen]

THE GOOD

Shonn Greene is the starter. Shonn Greene is the starter. Shonn Greene is the starter.

Although O'Meara looked like the second-stringer yesterday, we don't expect that to last for long; he is a walk-on, after all. By the time the BXI season rolls around, we expect the pecking order to probably shape up like this: Greene, Guillory, Hampton, O'Meara, Brinson, and Robinson. Brinson and Robinson could probably redshirt.

Adrian Clayborn is an absolute terror. Barring injury, he will be all-conference this year. He spent the entire practice in Iowa's backfield on Saturday, ritually abusing everyone that was put in front of him.

Broderick Binns looks just fine at the other end spot if either Clayborn or Ballard misses any time. He performed admirably against Kyle Calloway on Saturday.

The entire front seven is both talented and deep. There are probably seven linebackers who can start right now. Against Maine, the starting three are probably Hunter, Coleman, and Eeeeeedds, but that's not to say that Angerer, Tarpinian, and Nielsen won't have plenty of snaps in the next few games. The first two could plausibly end up starting. Angerer in particular has looked ferocious in the middle; Jacody Coleman will have to be an absolute rock in order to keep his spot atop the depth chart.

Ryan Donahue looks more consistent this year. He's always had a cannon for a leg, but the disastrous punts (like, say, the 13-yarder against ISU) should be relics.

THE BAD

The quarterback situation still isn't good. At times, Christensen looked better. At times, Stanzi looked better. And McNutt looked a lot more like the heralded recruit he was in high school than he did in the spring. While the play at quarterback will almost certainly improve over 2007 (unless, of course, injuries ravage the offense like last season), there are probably still going to be some "ugh" moments. In fact, some "ugh" games. I don't see this passing game carving up a good secondary.

Perhaps it's just the fact that they were going up against one of the top 3 defensive lines in the Big Ten, but the offensive line struggggled in the rushing game. Nobody sprang a big run all day long. Sure, the defense knew what was coming, but that's no excuse, especially when other teams have been saying for years that they've been able to predict Iowa's plays before the snap. A great offensive line can tell you what's coming, then run right over you anyway. Sure, the line's better than last year, but they're nowhere near the glory years of '01-'03 yet.

We don't know why the mainstream media refuse to report Casey McMillan ripping the top off the iconic water tower in the northeast corner, then drinking it dry, then flinging it into the pediatric ward of the UIHC. Ignoring the McMenace doesn't make it go away!

THE CHARLIE WEIS'S FRONT BUTT

What in God's name has happened to Iowa's special teams? We successfully exiled Austin Signor to the hinterlands of Eastern Illinois, but incumbent Daniel Murray and freshman Trent Mossbrucker are scarcely better. The idea that Iowa can't improve on a season where they missed one of every seven extra points and half their field goals is, to be perfectly frank, horrifying. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you not improve? They're extra points. They're practically point blank. There are D-III kickers who are better than 24-28. Fucking figure it out.

It's about that time.  For the next month, BHGP will be previewing this year's Iowa Hawkeyes, position-by-position.  Naturally, as the earth revolves around the sun, things will change.  Therefore, we're starting with the position we are most certain of, and ending with running back the position of which we are least certain.  To date:

1. Defensive Tackle
2. Tight End
3. Safety
4. Center
5. Defensive End
6. Wide Receiver
7. Linebacker
8. Special Teams

Today: Quarterback

OK, let's do it.

The Starter, For Now

Jake Christensen (6'1", 215, Jr.) - There are certainly differing viewpoints on how tenuous Christensen's grasp on the top line is, but let's not confuse conflict with uncertainty:  JC6 will start the season as the first-team quarterback.

Jake was one of the crown jewels of the vaunted - and now oft-maligned - 2005 Iowa recruiting class.  He was one of the best high school quarterbacks in the country, lauded for his sound mechanics, throwing accuracy, and ability to scramble (he was considered a "dual-threat" quarterback; all the talk of Christensen as a Chandler-like pocket passer are patently false).  He played in the U.S. Army All-American Game with Richardson, Stross, Doering, Moeaki, and Blum.  He was, by all accounts, the heir apparent to Drew Tate.  He redshirted, then saw limited action in his second season, primarily in lieu of an injured Tate against Northern Illinois (the infamous "kinda gay" game).  He looked about as good as you'd expect from a freshman, completing 65% of his passes but throwing a couple of bad picks (especially against Minnesota) and exhibiting a bad tendency to hold onto the ball too long.

Last season?  Well, as OPS has said, you could write 1500 words about Christensen's 2007 campaign and not even scratch the surface.  There were a multitude of reasons why it might have been such a struggle, many of which were out of his control:

• Injuries/suspensions/attrition in the receiver corps - Christensen entered fall camp with Brodell and Douglas at receiver (with Stross as the third option) and Moeaki at tight end.  By the end of week 4, he had Cleveland and DJK at receiver (with a rotation of Chaney/Sandeman/Nelson(?)/Stross in there, as well), and Myers at tight end.  Not one of those players (save for the injury-plagued Stross) had any serious experience.  It certainly didn't help Christensen.  There were repeated subtle hints that the receivers had no idea what they were doing and could not run precise routes.  If true, it makes sense.
• Position flux and youth in the offensive line - The following players played on the offensive line during 2007: Richardson, Calloway, Kuempel, Doering, Eubanks, Bruggeman, Aeschliman, Meade, Vandervelde, Olsen, Blum, Koeppel, Bulaga.  That's 13 different offensive linemen who saw action.  That's amazing in and of itself, but it doesn't even factor in position changes (I'm pretty sure Olsen played in three different positions over the course of last season).  Two of those players had ever started before.  None of them graduated (though Richardson's career is apparently over due to injury).  That lack of experience led to confusion in the running game (zone blocking is unconventional and requires some smarts, and experience is absolutely essential) and routine breakdowns in pass protection.  Christensen was sacked 46 times last season.  That number is completely unacceptable, and is probably 75% due to offensive line play.
• Playcalling - FIRE KOK.  All right, I won't start just yet, but the playcalling was atrocious.  Part of it was certainly due to O'Keefe's dedication to the Lloyd Carr offensive system, but MUAK made a valid point not that long ago: KOK probably looked at his offense - particularly his passing offense - with a young quarterback, young line, and young receivers, and cut the playbook down considerably.  With a handful of experienced receivers at his disposal, possibly including one of the best tight ends in the country and a couple of bona fide deep threats on the outside, maybe things will open up.  Then again, it's KOK, so don't hold your breath.

Those things are all important, but they still don't entirely explain away a season in which a quarterback with renowned accuracy completed 53.5% of his passes and averaged only 6.13 yards per attempt.  JC might have thrown for 2200 yards, but he was over 200 yards only 4 times in 12 games.  He might have only thrown 6 picks, but an incredible number of passes were so far off-target that nobody from either team had a chance to catch them.  He might have been sacked 46 times, but a significant portion of those were a result of Christensen holding the ball too long.  The point is this:  Even if everything listed above is true, and even if all those things had their greatest possible effect, Christensen should still have been better than he was.

Barring another parade of arrests and injuries, there's no excuse this season.  The receiver rotation is fairly concrete, and all receivers have significant experience.  Moeaki is back.  The offensive line should be more solidified and also picked up much-needed experience.  KOK is still there, but might open up the offense more, especially given the fact he doesn't have a returning running back.  It's time for this offense in general, where 9 (effectively 10, given last season's criminal non-use of Tom Busch) starters are back, to make a big move forward.  That's going to depend on Christensen.

Ferentz has repeatedly compared Christensen to Matt Rodgers, who went 5-6 as a sophomore starter in 1989 before taking Iowa to the Rose Bown in 1990.  The comparison is somewhat suspect.  The 1989 Hawkeyes had no running game whatsoever; the passing offense was actually pretty good.  Rodgers was #2 in the Big Ten in passing in his first season as a starter and was named honorable mention all-conference.  He went 29-41 against Michigan that season, threw for nearly 300 yards against Illinois (who had the best pass defense in the country), and was almost perfect against Northwestern.  Aside from the Syracuse game (23-32, 278 yards, 4 TD's), has Christensen ever played anything resembling those games?  There were signs of life, to be sure (the second half of the Northwestern game comes to mind), but we have yet to see it for four consecutive quarters.  If Christensen has a sophomore-to-junior-season jump akin to Rodgers, he's probably playing like Brian Hoyer at MSU.  That's not great, but it's probably enough to get 8 wins.

The Backup, For Now

Rick(y) Stanzi (6'4", 225, Soph.) - Hayden Fry once said the best player in the Big Ten, year in and year out, was the backup quarterback at Iowa.  If you had any doubts, just ask an Iowa fan, who would bench the starter yesterday.

Rick(y) Stanzi is the heir to the backup quarterback throne and, if you ask many Iowa fans, should be the starter.  He wasn't highly regarded or heavily recruited out of high school, but received offers from Purdue, Miami (OH), and Toledo before choosing the Hawks.  At 6'4", he has ideal size.  He's not quite as fast as Christensen, but by all accounts has some mobility.  He was buried behind classmate Arvell Nelson last season.  The inside word was that, despite Christensen's problems, the staff had no faith in either of its backups (Stanzi was raw, and Nelson was apparently stoned).  Christensen was the quarterback, no matter what happened.

Not anymore.  After two series of the spring game in which Christensen threw an interception and a Tacopants overthrow, Stanzi took the reins and looked pretty good (the staff said JC was injured, but he wasn't hit and actually played significant time later; we're gullible, but not that gullible).  He threw a bomb to Stross and exhibited the feel for touch passes not often seen from JC last year.  Of couse, he also threw a pick and a number of incompletions.  Nevertheless, he was arguably better than Christensen and certainly better than McNutt.  He was the co-first team starter after spring, and may well have won the starting job had he not sustained a shoulder injury.  Word is he will be back in mid-August, but the damage is probably done.  Stanzi will enter the fall at #2.  How long he stays there is up to Christensen.

The Wild Card

Marvin McNutt (6'4", 210, Fr. (RS)) - Last year, we heard a lot about McNutt.  We heard he had a Howitzer for an arm.  We heard he could scramble for yardage like Brad Banks.  We heard he helps old women cross the street and, in his spare time, solves crimes.  If you sat in the stands of Kinnick or the parking lots of Melrose Avenue last fall, you could have walked away thinking McNutt was the second coming. 

McNutt, a St. Louis native, received offers from just about every program in the region (Iowa, Indiana, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Minnesota) by the end of his junior year.  He was redshirted last season, but nevertheless dominated conversations on potential replacements at quarterback.  We heard he was getting a lot of snaps in the week of post-season practice Iowa conducted as the bowl situation worked itself out.

Spring?  Eh...it wasn't pretty.  Marvin's footwork wasn't good and his accuracy was lacking.  Maybe it was just a bad day, and maybe it was a function of working with the second-team offense, but he did not look ready for prime time.  His position on the post-spring depth chart, firmly behind Christensen and Stanzi, only reinforced that view.  That said, with Stanzi's shoulder injury, McNutt might have a chance to move up the depth chart this fall and get himself into position to take over.  Nevertheless, expect to see him in garbage time, especially in the first 2-3 weeks of the season.

Could See the Field

James Vandenberg (6'3", 195, Fr.) - If Stanzi comes back in mid-August at full health, I would expect all three of Iowa's incoming freshman quarterbacks to redshirt.  However, it's not out of the question that one sees some playing time due to injury.  If it happens, my money's on Vandenberg, a Keokuk native who threw for 3700 yards and 49(!) touchdowns as a senior in leading Keokuk to the 3A state championship.  He's quick enough to avoid pressure and has been running a wide-open offense for two seasons.  Obviously, you don't plan on using a true freshman at quarterback, but you could do worse.

John Wienke (6'5", 225, Fr.) - Wienke was initially a Michigan commit who changed his mind at the 11th hour, probably because he's not exactly the prototypical spread option quarterback.  That being said, he's giant and has a great throwing arm.