The big story this week seemed to be Kirk Ferentz' inclusion on Sports Illustrated's Stewart Mandel's list of the five worst college football coaches working today. Mr. Jacobi has already proven why this is completely asinine, but the real tragedy here is it takes away from a complete inane, un-thought-out and completely arbitrary list that I have been meticulously working on for minutes.
So with my thunder completely stolen and tensions already sky-high. I present the Four Best (and One Worst) Kick Holders of the Ferentz-era!
Before I begin, though, I need to explain the background and rigorous standards that went into compiling this list. First, I found out just exactly who these individuals, these invisible men of the gridiron, are. Then I did some math (complete with fractions!), watched an episode of Mad Men, compared the punchability of their media guide photos and then broke all ties with my gut. There are some people who won't be happy, but the facts really do speak for themselves.
1. Ryan Donahue (2007-2010)
The Michael Jordan of Iowa holders, Donahue helped Hawkeye kickers make 62 field goals during his four years in a crouch. Skeptics will point at the 21 kicks Iowa missed during that same span, but I've got a number for you — 34. That's how many games the Hawkeyes won between 2007 and 2010, all thanks to Donahue's ability to field a snap and place it on the ground. Oh yeah:
Look at the hold. All Donahue.
2. David Bradley (2001-2004)
Before there was Donahue, there was David Bradley. The man who scored all four Penn State points in 2004 actually held for more made field goals than Donahue. But I have to take points off for having three years with Nate Kaeding, who still would have connected on 20 field goals a season if the ball would have been snapped directly to his foot.
3. Jason Baker (1999-2000)
It is probably a little shocking to see an NFL player ranked so low, but the fact of the matter is Iowa barely won during his two seasons. Some say that is because Hayden left the cupboard too bare and it took a little while for Ferentz' teams to learn how to win, but let's be real, it was Baker putting the snaps down a half-second too late.
4. Andy Fenstermaker (2005-2006)
I know, I know, what was I thinking? But there have only been five placeholders in the last four years and that make Fenstermaker number four. Deal with it.
And now the one worst:
5. John Wienke (2011-2012)
What a steep fall. Three years ago, Iowa was riding high off an Orange Bowl victory with Donahue acting as a holding machine. Since then Iowa is 19-19 with Wienke doing the placeholding on two of those seasons. This is definitely not the kick holding the Iowa faithful is expecting for the two-plus million their dishing out. Good pooch punter though.
Now of course this is all my opinion, so don't go after anyone but me and I'll be more than happy to backtrack in the coming days.