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BHGP BRACKET MADNESS: THE FINALS

Tiny by jebushchrist on in News

The fat has been trimmed from the steak, we're finally here - It's the finals! This is what we're voting on.

Today: Lady vs. Scamp!

DMBMEG

PROS:  Exterminator. Impersonator. Coffee lover. Laborer.

CONS: Not even an Iowan, she's from Minnesota. Frequently rolls around on floor.

JEBUS H. CHRIST

PROS: Inventor. Educator. Historian. Mother Fucker.

CONS: Too passionate. Too handsome [see: above].

FINAL UPDATE:


BHGP rides again!

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ahem

(throat slash)

Your ass is mine, Jebus H Christ.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 12:32 PM CDT   0 recs

--unimpressed with DMBMEG

You're from Minnesota. You have a bread knife.
Please.

by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 12:38 PM CDT   0 recs

uh

The one in my mouth is NOT a bread knife.

And I can honestly say I never thought I'd say or type that above sentence out.

SOUL ASYLUM, PRINCE, KIRBY PUCKETT, MINNESOTA, DMBMEG 4 EVA!!!

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 12:39 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

you forgot Garrison Keillor

Also, Kirby was a serial groper - not an American hero, like me.

by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 12:41 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

well...

For someone who hates MN so much, you sure do a good Paul Bunyan impersonation.

Where's your Blue Ox?

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 12:45 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

No thank you

I don't need to paint and enslave an animal to do my dirty work. I do the job myself.
You'd know that if you were a real Iowan.

JebusHChrist: Hard Worker, Animal Lover, Iowan

by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 12:54 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

(yawn)

Isn't this winning supposed to be, you know, hard?

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 12:43 PM CDT   0 recs

your mom...

This thread is over when I say it's over.

Take a seat, junior.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 12:59 PM CDT   0 recs

it's not a doo-rag, d-bag

It's a t-shirt sleeve. You need to learn about high fashion.

by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 1:10 PM CDT   0 recs

(stares at his arms)

I'm sorry, what? Where am I?

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 1:12 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Actually, it was 1 vote, and she was winning.

And the votes weren't reset.
And she won by more than 20.
And none of that matters, because she's going down like a sweet muffin today.

by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 1:12 PM CDT   0 recs

LOLZY!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111

OMG I am dying.

Now THAT comment was beautiful.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 1:24 PM CDT   0 recs

Braising Minnesota

Aren't the Coen Brothers from MN?  So's the Bellanca Aircraft factory (they have a full size replica of Blue Ox, up there in Alexandria), oh, a couple hundred miles east of Fargo.

Anyhow, no matter how happy and busy she appears to be getting in the kitchen, the blood simple truth is Jebus has about 5 pounds of sharpened steel to her 2 oz.  Not even Ralph Miller's crossing the rubicon can save the happy girl.

(Jebus, sure, is a good Dude, but does anyone else see an incipient, inner John Goodman crouched within, just waiting for a couple more years of sideways, web-fueled meanderings to come spilling out over his waistband.)

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 1:28 PM CDT   0 recs

ya live in Iowa, yet

It's a geographical certainty, but admittedly, one here has to do the discounted present value of fat.  

No worries, someone, somewhere is calling Robert Gallery fat.  That person would be an asshole.

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 1:45 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

hey!

Those are really good knives, you know?

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 1:31 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

real chefs use carbon steel

I'd offer up an essay on the subject, (but you would find it tedious, and girls always use stainless to save on clean-up toil) and reference different kitchens I slaved in there in River City, but if you want to cut a fine, fine stroke across any old piece of meat -- it's carbon steel, never stainless.  Like the big boy's axe head.  That thing be carbon steel.   You stroke it with your carborundum, or use little circular patterns, oil it down when through so it doesn't get rusty.  Then it does what you want, whenever you want.  

I'm not drinking in the middle of the day, this is just boy scout special knowledge.

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 1:49 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

yeah, give up.

like you could split hairs with that pen knife.  You could at least try.

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 2:11 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Split hairs?

What kinda' recipe calls for split hairs?  Did you cook at my college cafeteria?

by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 2:14 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

doing the "ignore that guy" thing

She's just doing the "let's all just ignore that guy" thing.  I understand.  First the outrageous "thesaurus-pounding blowhard" thing, now, simply the sorority girl "that guy's gross" wrinkled nose and silence, thing.  That's why my Big Event against CBI occurred when I was sitting on a 12-mile beach in the Turks and Caicos pursuing melanoma and trying to buy only one bottle of Sapphire every other day -- not exactly fair play -- but hey, she's a girl, and she's about to win again!  Didja know?  140 women graduate from college for every 100 guys.  There's something we're missing, and it may be the extra Y chromosome.

No, if I cooked in your cafeteria, you'd still be in college.  I just served my housekeeper and the nanny the best spiced Italian roast beef sandwiches the world has ever seen, and if I could speak Spanish, I would verify that.  (It has to do with braising the roast in cast iron, and using red wine instead of chicken broth in the jus.)  

P.S., I sliced that thing with a carbon steel carving knife (the kind that gets sharp if you put the stone to it, and rusts if you don't treat it right).  

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 2:26 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Ummmmmm....

Sapphire! I'll sleep when I'm dead.

by iceberg on Mar 31, 2008 2:39 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Red wine works well

As does veal or duck demiglace.  I used the veal last week, it was amazing.  

by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 2:48 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

I like

Nacho Cheese Combos.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 31, 2008 3:03 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

blindfolds and soft ropes

Well, I like to deploy blindfolds and soft ropes, but I don't brag about it publicly, either.  Jeez.  Getting pretty dark and personal, aren't we?

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 3:07 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

ahem

Guess I shoulda smudged more than Meg's photos...
hmmmmm.... VOTE FOR JEBUS!

[walks away uncomfortably]

by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 1:28 PM CDT   0 recs

dude, I just realized

it looks like yuo smudged the pics cause my tits are showing. Awesome.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 1:40 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

I was strangely frustrated not

to get a glimpse of your companion.  Does she secretly harbor enthusiasms for logger-men?

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 1:51 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

no

my companion has nothing to hide. But given that it was late at night and most likely didn't want to be awaken by me calling her to use her picture on a sports blog, we just smudged her out.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 1:57 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

It was only to protect you

We are not a T&A blog, ma'am. Sorry if you're unhappy with the results.

by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 1:57 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

My vote went to...

I'm trying to learn more about this DMBMEG character but a couple of things concern me. One that she might actually like Dave Matthews Band given the username and secondly that she looks different in every picture I see her in on her blog. Give those two things and the fact that she is from Minnesooooota, my vote went to Jebus.

Duez I say

by Duez I say on Mar 31, 2008 1:53 PM CDT   0 recs

sigh

we already went through the dmb thing, and I refuse to do it again.

I suppose I look different depending on how many drinks I have had. The above picture was made after an hour of flip cup and about 3 vodka sodas.

Also, I wear glasses on occasion. They make me look smart.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 2:00 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

A tough decision, but then I remembered

I live in Chicago.

So I voted for both of you.  Woooooooo democracy!!!

by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 2:13 PM CDT   0 recs

This is such crap

Everyone knows that axe beats knife, every damn time. Knives are for bread. Axes are for slaughter.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 31, 2008 2:27 PM CDT   0 recs

message from Father Time
You think a woman will fight fair?

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 2:29 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

whoa!

Who you calling a woman?

Oh.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 2:31 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

also

You just sound bitter.

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 2:35 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

bitter -- yes
The aesthetician in me cannot believe I lost to creeps with visibly soiled small bills on their heads.  

It's kinda like losing to Directional U.  One is supposed to be bitter.

I know, you didn't mean it that way.  

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 2:39 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

weird voting stuff

add 107 votes to each. and when this poll was posted, Meg was up by about 20.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 31, 2008 3:12 PM CDT   0 recs

Yeah, well

things aren't always as they seem, it would seem.  Which, of course, is unseemly.  Seemingly, anyway.

by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 3:12 PM CDT   0 recs

If Minnesota was a person...

I'd punch her right in the face.  

And I am above hitting a girl.

by storminspank on Mar 31, 2008 3:56 PM CDT   0 recs

hey dude

What the hell is wrong with Minnesota? (The state, not the school)

Don't you live there?

by dmbmeg on Mar 31, 2008 4:00 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

I do

And it rules.  Seriously, how cool is it that we're supposed to get 8 inches on March 31st?  Calm down Meg, I'm speaking of snow here.  ZING!

by jason3kidd on Mar 31, 2008 4:03 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Well, I do live in MN

I love Minnesota, but I don't have to like it.

It's form of government is socialism.

It's has a fishing "season".

Gophers.

Vikings.

If you get a new driver's license, you get your old one cut and have to carry around a yellow piece of paper until they get their old school printers to mail you a new one a month later.

Did I mention Gophers?

by storminspank on Apr 1, 2008 2:18 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

but but....

THE TWINS!

AND THE NORTH STARS!

Oh.

by dmbmeg on Apr 1, 2008 2:38 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

This one's over.
All rise.  Knife beats axe.  We beat on, boats against the current ...

by Bellanca on Mar 31, 2008 4:54 PM CDT   0 recs

uh
but the sped limit is 70. Isn't it 65 in Iowa?

You shouldn't be driving that fast anyways.

Oh well, I lost.

by dmbmeg on Apr 1, 2008 2:05 PM CDT   0 recs

A TIE?

I confuse.  I confuse much.

70 in MN.  70 in IA.  

Except in MN, they drive 65 in the left hand lane.

by storminspank on Apr 1, 2008 2:19 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

yes

Except in MN, they drive 65 in the left hand lane.

That is true.

It was 65 in IA, 70 MN when I lived there. Oh well. I don't even own a car anymore.

by dmbmeg on Apr 1, 2008 2:37 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

Listen, people

This thing has been going on 24 hours and it's a tie. How is this possible? For all of her... whatever it is she does, at her core Meg's a trash-talking Minnesotan. I mean, she's practically Canadian!

DMBMEG: Talks trash with a funny accent, afraid of cars, and has hair like a mushroom cloud.

Vote for Jebus.

by jebushchrist on Apr 1, 2008 2:44 PM CDT   0 recs

HEY

we promised each other no disparaging comments!!! I expected this from others, but not for you.

by dmbmeg on Apr 1, 2008 2:46 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

HEY

What's disparaging about the facts?
Want to prove me wrong?

Say "toast"

by jebushchrist on Apr 1, 2008 2:48 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

not the poll

He's watching Gladiator again.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Apr 1, 2008 5:06 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs

IMO

That was Cuba Gooding's best work.

by jebushchrist on Apr 1, 2008 5:26 PM CDT to parent up   0 recs