There's got to be a catchier name for the semifinals than "Last Four." Just can't think of one. Today: BRAAAAAAINS vs. brawn!

PROS: Met Fergie, listened to Fergie, contemplated his grandchildren, met Bill Cowher, wooed Terrelle Pryor.

CONS: Technically only tangentially related to Iowa athletics. Indeterminate age.

PROS:
THIS YOUNG LADY IS AN ODD ONE

How so?

LOOK AT HER. BACK IN MY DAY WE WOULD SAY HER HUMORS ARE OUT OF BALANCE

THEN COME THE LEECHES

Joe, we're

MISTER PATERNO WILL BE FINE THANK YOU

--we're trying to discuss her "pros." We'll get to the cons in a bit.

WHY AM I EVEN FACING HER, I'M THE MOST TENURED FOOTBALL COACH IN AMERICA AND SHE IS A CONFIRMED IRISH

Hey! Cons go later!

I'M SORRY BUT THEY'VE BEEN A SCOURGE ON AMERICA FOR TOO LONG. LOOK AT GEORGE O'LEARY, HE'S GIVEN THE NOTRE DAME JOB AND WITHIN FOUR HOURS HE'S JACKED UP ON HOST AND TULLAMORE DEW PICKING FIGHTS WITH RUDY

Okay, George O'Leary's problem was with his resume. He falsified

POINT ONE: ANOTHER POINT FOR THE UNTRUSTWORTHY IRISH, WORSE SO THAN THE BRITONS, FRENCHMEN, SLAVS, OR DASTARDLY PORTUGUESE. TWO: THEY WERE ENTIRELY SELF-INTERESTED IN SUPPRESSING THE BENDER, BECAUSE HE DID IT WITH HALF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES. ALL IRISHMEN ONCE AGAIN

I give up.

THAT IS JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO

CONS:

LET ME HANDLE THIS ONE

IRISH

GOD I HATE NOTRE DAME

FIGHTING IRISH SHOULD BE A LIFE'S WORK, NOT A MASCOT

Meg didn't even go to Notre Dame or anything. She went to Iowa. And that's hardly a con; we're a Hawkeye site too

SYMPATHIZERS, THE LOT OF YOU

You're a bastard, Joe Paterno.

AT LEAST I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH AN UNCLEAN PEOPLE