GOOD MORNING SECRETARY, LOVELY DAY TODAY

It's 4 in the afternoon.

IT'S ALWAYS MORNING SOMEWHERE, THAT'S MY MOTTO, YOU'D BE WISE TO LEARN IT

Oh, sort of a way to approach life from an optimistic point of view?

NO, TO FORCE BURGER KING TO MAKE ME A BACON EGG AND CHEESE BISCUIT AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY

Why do you even eat there? Do you have any idea how bad that food is for you?

LISTEN, YOU LITTLE HARLOT

I'm literally seven inches taller than you. And I'm 5'5".

I'M AS SPRY AS I'VE EVER BEEN. LATELY I HAVE BEGUN PRACTICING WITH THE FOOTBALL TEAM, OBSERVE:

First of all, that's profoundly disturbing. Second, what on earth does baton twirling have to do with football?

PARDON ME

This makes me think you were hanging out with the marching band.

WELL THEIR HELMETS WERE CERTAINLY UNCONVENTIONAL

Uh huh.

AND THEY DID NOT BEHAVE LIKE FOOTBALL PLAYERS AT ALL

No, band geeks are actually strange, horrible people.

THEY CERTAINLY ARE

I HATE BAND GEEKS

THAT REMINDS ME OF 1997, WHEN WE

Wait

WERE INVOLVED IN NEGOTIATIONS WITH BOEING

Sir

TO BLOW UP THE SUN

Okay. Time out. Is this another one of your insane, ludicrous stories where you namedrop an old player of yours, then describe a scenario that could never, ever happen, then pass it all off as fact?

NO

Are you sure?

YES

Fine. Continue.

LONG STORY SHORT, THE GAMMA RAYS ROBBED CURTIS ENIS OF THE ABILITY TO PERFORM IN THE NFL AND CAUSED HIM TO GAIN 25 POUNDS ON ACCOUNT OF THE APPETITE

Oh for crying out loud.

IT'S COBBLER TIME

(JOEPA WANTS YOU TO KNOW THE STORY CONTINUES BELOW)

Are you done yet?

APPLE COBBLER

There's something you should know. Terrelle Pryor is going to be on campus this weekend.

OH YES, BREWSTER'S MILLIONS

No. The quarterback. The best recruit in the nation.

I KNEW THAT, I WAS PULLING YOUR LEG

I'm pretty sure you weren't. Anyway, we have to be very careful about how we handle the situation. Since he's not on an official visit, we can't

DANA

You don't actually know my name, do you?

I AM WELL ON TOP OF THE DARRELL PRYOR SITUATION

I'm worried.

THINGS ARE A-OKAY, YOUR ATTENTION TOWARD THE PARKING LOT

(tooling around the lot in a Model T)

Oh. My God.

Wheeeeeeeeee! Ha ha ha, this car is bumpy!

He's supposed to be playing basketball with his team right now!

Awoooooga! Awooooga! Horns from the 1910s are the shit! This thing's older than seat belts! Ha ha ha!

I SHOULD GO TALK TO HIM

You think?! The NCAA's going to kill us for this!

NOT SO, PHONE JOCKEY, THE NCAA PROVISIONS ONLY TOOK EFFECT IN 1938

And?!

ALL CARS OLDER THAN THAT WERE GRANDFATHERED IN AS LEGAL. CHALK ONE UP FOR BIG JOEY

That's a horrible nickname. Anyway, I'll walk you down. Last time you got lost in the staircase and we had to fish you out of the emergency firehose

THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE PUT IT BEHIND A DOOR IN A STAIRWELL

Um.

DOORS ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAD OUT OF PLACES, NOT INTO SERPENTINE TRAPS

Let's get you down there.

TERRY, TERRY THAT'S ENOUGH

Get out of the car!

That thing is crazy! It's like a car and a moped, except the worst of both worlds.

BACK IN MY DAY, PEOPLE PAID 35 DOLLARS FOR ONE OF THOSE, THAT IS LIKE FOUR HUNDRED MILLION TODAY DOLLARS

This smoke is horrible. What the hell does the engine run on?

KITTENS AND PUPPIES

What?!

AND LAMBS

Awesome!

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY YOUNG MAN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A NITTANY LION

Do you mean it? Me, at Penn State?

YES, WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU, YOU WILL START AT QUARTERBACK FOR FOUR YEARS

Well...

Holy shit.

JUST SAY THE WORD

As it turns out the word is "go fuck yourself," Tressel offered me an Escalade limo with six hookers and $3 million in unmarked, nonsequential bills on the inside

SECRETARY, DOUBLE THAT, RIGHT THIS INSTANT

We cannot seriously

Tick tick tick, old man, I'm bout to dive dick-first into some girls with daddy issues less you ante up right now

THAT'S IT, I NEED A B-52 WITH TEN MILLION IN PROMISSORY NOTES AND 14 OF THE FINEST VIRGINS ON CAMPUS

We can't do that!

Peace bitches, I'ma ghost ride the horseless carriage all the way to Columbus

CONFOUND IT

(H/T: TINNOMJ, RUTS)