Top 5 Secrets to Finding True Love In March...Madness*

Ronald Martinez

You want to be a winner but you just don’t know how. You’ve tried everything but nothing seems to work. Well, if you follow my “Top 5 Secrets” I guarantee your world will open up faster than a suitcase full of Glocks at a TSA gate screening!

Making smart selections in life is serious business and should not be left to your gut, flipping a coin or paying a psychic. You need to know the secrets, the proven secrets that will deliver you the results you need!

Hi, I'm StoopsMyAss and as a happily married man to the woman of my dreams and the reigning BHGP March Madness Pick'em Champion, I know what it takes to make the right choices when it counts! Over the years I have accumulated tons of proven secrets, all of which I've used to ensure my prodigious success in all walks of life. Today I'm sharing with you my very best secrets, my -- Top 5 Secrets -- and I'm giving them to you absolutely FREE. That's right FREE! So you can, like me, have the confidence you crave to select wisely and finally experience success in love and brackets.

What's holding you back from the kind of success that comes easily for me is, more often than not, something you can't see on your own. It's in your blind spot, hidden from your view and subconsciously ruling all of your decisions. My Top 5 Secrets will shine a light on your unconscious thought patterns and set you free. Use my secrets, never before revealed, and you will win BHGP teeshirts and unconditional affection for years to come!

Don't waste another minute trapped in the same old habits or not knowing how to get what you want. Instead, use my Top 5 Secrets and realize your dreams today!

"The Top 5 Secrets are PHENOMENAL. As an experienced psychotherapist and part-time professional gambler, I am astounded by how quickly and effectively they help participants break through blocks and change old patterns. I really appreciate the balance of wisdom, intelligence, and emotional sensitivity they bring. The impact on my bracket selections as well as my personal relationships since getting involved with StoopsMyAss's Top 5 Secrets has been nothing short of astonishing. This past year I met Mr. Right, won $619 in my March Madness office pool, and bought a schnauzer. "

~Chrystal Ball, Ph.D.

Finally, a proven set of secrets that demystify the selection process once and for all! Just let my 5!!! -- FIVE -- simple secrets help you to UNLOCK your potential!

Here we go!

5. Once a loser, always a loser. You think waiting like a schmuck for the law of averages to kick in will make you some kind of counter-intuitive unconventional rebel who stands alone unearthing that unappreciated diamond in the rough. Wrong! They're unappreciated for a reason, and it's a good one---they're habitual losers. Get the losers out of your contacts list and off of your brackets. If they haven't been a winner in the past, they're not gonna be a winner in the future. Sure, that sounds cynical to your delicate bleeding heart, but it's true. So, let everyone else rationalize that pathetic romantic impulse of being the soft-hearted optimistic loser, while you focus on the lordly stuck-up swagger of the proven winner! So quit suffering fools fool, and then maybe this year you can finally be the piercing contemptuous winner you've always wanted to be.

4. Wait three days, then make the call. This secret will prevent you from falling into that insidious desperation trap that's been your calling card for years. It's a golden rule for a reason, because it works! That rush of blood you get the very first time you see the one you're convinced you can go all the way with, is called orthostatic hypotension. You think that blood rush is like the beeping on a Geiger counter, a sign that you've hit the jackpot, but it has many more likely causes and you need to be aware of some of them --- such as, a misuse of a diuretic, standing up too quickly or having the standards of a teenage boy at a hooker party. Prove that you can keep it cool and resist the urge to act too impulsively. But, make sure not to wait too long because if after three days you're still bulging beeping, you've got the confirmation you need to get to work. Making the right call using the proper incubation period is about giving your initial instinct time to reveal itself as little more than a knee-jerk response guided by your obsessive-compulsive ways. In a perfect world you will wake up in three days time, over it and emotionally stable enough to move on to a more sober selection.


3. Do your homework. There's lots of information out there and thankfully most of it's on the Internet, which means it's true. Let March Madness serve as the perfect cover while you do your homework -- in other words, during this time of the year you're not a stalker, you're a researcher! Did you know that an astonishing 99% of 18-23 year olds have an active profile on at least one social networking site with the remaining 1% living in a trailer on the Oklahoma panhandle? Bingo! Begin with the mothership, Facebook, and work your way out to twitter, dating sites and the like. While users may not be as revealing as they once were, you can still learn if your selection is a risk or not. For example, you'll want to know if someone is injured physically or emotionally. Knowing if someone has a chronic knee condition or a heavy heart might be the tipping point in making the right selection. And, of course, always validate height and weight claims by closely examining user photos. People love to fib online, so you'll need to know how to tell if someone is a liar. Here is a rule of thumb: in face-to-face interactions liars tend to avoid eye contact, touch their nose and fidget excessively, but on Facebook liars tend to "like" Jazz, use headshots as profile pics, and only "check-in" at the gym, sushi restaurants and museums. Find information and use it to your advantage, facts and insights that most people discard or never even seek out will give you the edge you need.

2. There is no such thing as perfection. Other than the schadenfreude of Mark Sanchez's buttfumble against New England last year, perfection is a castle in the sky. While you want to do everything in your power to make the correct selection every time, statistically speaking, there is no such thing. Enter this venture with a commitment to pragmatism. The theoretical odds of filling out your bracket perfectly are about nine quintillion to one -- more specifically, one in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808, or two to the 63rd power. Those are the exact same odds of you meeting a woman at your high school reunion with the body of Adriana Lima but the personality of Tina Fey and her revealing that you were her high school crush while telling you she is on the rebound from a terrible breakup and just wants to be held "right now." Be realistic about what's possible and know this is not a search for perfection but a quest for victory.


1. Never Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife or Bracket Selections! It's easy to see your friends in loving relationships, correctly picking one mid-major upset after another and think, "Maybe I should just copy what they do!" There's only one problem: They are them and you are, well, you. The truth is while you may indeed look a little silly wearing your Manpris (male Capris pants) and that deep V-neck teeshirt to emphasize your Adam Levine-esque male cleavage, it's what's got you this far! Dig in and double down on the person YOU really are, even if that person is someone with a horrendous sense of personal style and an insensible understanding of what makes for good romance or winning basketball. Avoid the temptation of trying to model other people's more tasteful and enlightened behavior, because if you fail you will never know if you failed because of who you are, or because of who you are not. Yeah, it's complicated. One trick to avoid this pitfall? Read more Dr. Seuss.

While these are five rock solid secrets -- NEVER REVEALED BEFORE -- that if followed will improve your ability to make the correct selections, they're just the tip of the iceberg. In my new book, Basketball Is A Noun And Love Is A Riddle, are tons more secrets on topics, such as:

  • Pushovers, Mismatches and Toss-ups, Oh My!
  • "Who would Jack Kerouac pick?"
  • The Cinderella Myth: Why Looking For An Abused Stepchild Who Actually Wore Fur Boots Is Not Your Answer.
  • Here's what's the matter with Kansas...and Kansas State for that matter!
  • Gonzaga, bazongas and the efficacy of the Charlie Sheen Pick'em theory.

Good luck and good selecting!

*While March Madness pools are illegal everywhere except Montana and Vermont, and even in those states many versions violate the letter of state or federal law, not to mention the rules in most employee handbooks. Don't be afraid to partake because, as far as I know, only Rick Neuheisel has suffered significant penalties for participating in a March Madness bracket pool but it should also be noted that Neuheisel's wife is smoking hot.

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