THE ETERNALLY PESSIMISTIC IOWA FAN PREDICTS THE 2014 FOOTBALL SEASON

Byron Hetzler-USA TODAY Sports

Everyone that reads this will hate this post.

AS YOU KNOW. We've recently previewed the offense and defenses of Iowa's 2014 football schedule. After reading those posts, a Hawkeye fan (that chooses to remain anonymous) reached out to offer his predictions on the upcoming season. Here's a transcript of the conversation:

PSD: Hey, thanks for reading.

ANON: Thanks for writing a bunch of statistical diarrhea. Those stats don't mean crap.

PSD: Alright, what do you think about the schedule? UNI. There's a win, right?

ANON: No way. Iowa will enter the game ranked and they always do better when they fly under the radar. Ferentz and his fat cats will blow this one.

PSD: Um, Iowa was ranked in 2009 and that worked out okay?

ANON: 2009?!? Iowa almost blew that game if not for a terrible UNI kicker they'd lost and been a laughing-stock of the NCAA. Besides, UNI beat Iowa State last year and has all summer to prepare for Iowa. The Panthers are full of Iowa kids that the Hawkeyes snubbed. Ferentz would rather recruit South Dakota. Panthers 21-20.

PSD: Ball State?

ANON: Ball State, Northern Illinois, same thing. Iowa almost lost to the Huskies in 2012 and did lose last year.

PSD: Yeah, but, Ball State doesn't have Jordan Lynch.

ANON: Who? Who cares? They have MAC on their chest and Iowa struggles with MACtion. Remember Miami of Ohio in 2002? Ben Roethlisberger!? Iowa barely beat them. They're not beating the MAC anymore. Ball State 34, Iowa 27.

PSD: C'mon now. ISU is a win. Their defense is terrible.

ANON: Nope. Paul Rhoads owns Kirk Ferentz.

PSD: What about last year?

ANON: Last year, last shmear. This is ISU's Super Bowl and until Ferentz gives ISU the respect they deserve, he ain't winning. Besides, ISU played without their star center and Rhoads has won two of the last three. Including that thriller in Kinnick in 2012. ISU 24, Iowa 20.

PSD: Pitt?

ANON: Lost there in 2008. Pitt 28, Iowa 27.

PSD: Okay, so (0-4) heading into conference play. Purdue was the worst in 2014. There's a win.

ANON: Nope. They'll only get better with their new coach entering season number two. Besides, Ferentz is playing the wrong quarterback and lining up a fullback at running back. Iowa only won because Ferentz finally played Canzeri last year. Purdue 17, Iowa 10.

PSD: I suppose Indiana is a loss too.

ANON: Absolutely. They have Iowa's number and won the last time in 2012. They play a fun and exciting offense.

PSD: But they don't play defense?

ANON: Greg Davis. Indiana 42, Iowa 20.

PSD: Sigh... Maryland?

ANON: Easy loss. They'll be the best team in the weak Big Ten. Iowa's never been there before so obviously that's a huge advantage for Maryland. The Terps are coming off a bye and Iowa will be in trouble. Maryland 25, Iowa 21.

PSD: Now we get into November and rivalry month. Northwestern.

ANON: Loss. Have you seen Ferentz's record after a bye week? It's terrible. Besides, Fitzgerald is a waaay better coach and he'll use that fluke Hawkeye win in overtime for extra motivation. Northwestern will have a running quarterback by then. Probably that Altiva guy, whatever, and he'll run for 200 yards. Oh, and Sam Mack at running back. 200 more yards. Northwestern 38, Iowa 24.

PSD: Sam Mack played basketball at Iowa State in the 80s.

ANON: So did LaFester Rhoads.

PSD: Okay, well Minnesota.

ANON: Another fluke last year. Iowa sucks at TCF Bank Stadium. It's not the Metrodome, for sure. It'll be cold by then and Iowa will have about everybody hurt. Minnesota 17, Iowa 14.

PSD: And Illinois.

ANON: Too many athletes. Iowa lost last year to Northern Illinois. How do you expect them to beat Illinois? Besides, Iowa lost the last time they played them in 2008 and that was with Shonn Greene. Illinois 21, Iowa 20.

PSD: So, Wisconsin by 100?

ANON: Not 100 but probably 50. Wisconsin 55, Iowa 5.

PSD: And finally, Nebraska.

ANON: The Hawkeyes fluke'd out another win last year. The Huskers will be the best team in the West this year and pound the Hawks to put the icing on the West Division Championship cake and the nail in the Ferentz coffin. Nebraska will have a Heisman contender at running back, quarterback and wide receiver. Plus that guy on defense. Nebraska 38, Iowa 3.

PSD: I see why you wanted to remain anonymous.

ANON: Right? I mean, I don't want any crazy Hawkeye fans chasing me down on Twitter. I see what they did to Willie Atwood and Zach McCabe.

PSD: Well, you do realize you picked Iowa to go 0-12. Something that hasn't happened at Iowa since the 1970s.

ANON: I didn't say they would lose every game. I said they can.

PSD: But you gave me scores and everything.

ANON: Alright, so between 2-10 and 10-2 but I won't enjoy a damn minute of it. I'm still haunted by that basketball collapse. Final Four!!! And that 2010 season. I had tickets to Pasadena. Screw that. Those losses hurt man. Pitt, Illinois, Iowa State! I'm through with expectations.

PSD: Seems to me, you're only remembering the bad, never the good? What about Penn State in 2008? Tate to Holloway? Wins over ISU, Minnesota and Nebraska last year?

ANON: You mean the game they left too much time on the clock for a kick return touchdown? The bowl game they severely mismanaged the final drive? THE CYCLONES ALMOST CAME BACK? Flukes. Every one of them.

PSD: Fair enough. Well thanks and enjoy the season.

ANON: I won't.

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