IOWA CITY, Ia -- Changes are afoot.
Iowa Head Basketball Coach Fran McCaffery announced his season-closing starting lineups today. Trolls are disturbed.
"Going forward, as the head basketball coach of an amateur basketball club, I wish to note that Zach McCabe is starting the remainder of our schedule. Any questions?"
McCaffery was asked this question at the corner of Washington and Dubuque, as he (apparently) rushed to Java House, this day's Wall Street Journal (available yet at Prairie Lights) in hand.
"I love the Tuesday Journal, that's got the first Personal Journal section of the week. But why are you here, basketball troll?"
"Coach, Zach McCabe lost the last game. Iowa fans want an explanation. They deserve an explanation."
It was cold. But, you know, Iowa. It gets cold. Suck it up or get out.
"We lost the last game because they played better. Anyone here ever played basketball? It's rumored to be a difficult game. We lost. They won. We'll see about next year."
"Coach, Coach, what do you have to say to Bob, from Keosauqua. He says that you ruined his Saturday because Zach failed in the clutch and his girlfriend laughed at him for being a Hawk fan. So he has done nothing since Saturday except make a fool of himself on Twitter. What are your thoughts?"
"Who's Bob? Can he dunk? Can he rake leaves?"
"Coach, don't be mean. Bob's fat, lives in his basement, his vertical is 9 inches."
"I'm late for my date with the best coffee joint west of the Hudson. Anything else?"
"You're mean, coach. Your privilege is showing."
McCaffery (or however you spell it) didn't give a shit. "Zach is everything an Iowa basketball player should be. If you don't like it, fine. He's starting the rest of the year. I need a cup of coffee. You're in my way. Move."
"Coach, coach ..." the trailing TMZ-commissioned 19 year-old basketball expert asked. "Why did Zach take that shot?"
McCaffery (I hope it's still spelled correctly) noted, turning, in his Brooks Brothers navy raglan cashmere overcoat, which, really, is a good overcoat, said,
"Hey, asshole. When you can trip over a curb as well as Zach orders fries with lunch? Then you have a vote. I want to read my paper and have a cup of coffee. Do you want to tweet any objection to that? If not, I'm late for my cup of coffee."
In Oaknoll, struggling to locate sensation in his feet, Bump Elliott requests some water without ice. "Not bad," Bump said. "But he'll probably have to get a Breville for the house."