FanPost

Five Stages of Grief in One Quarter Versus Minnesota

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I am a teacher, so I'm all about helping the students, even if they're not my own. Hence I decided to prepare a multimedia lesson for the students taking introductory psychology classes at our nation's fine universities and colleges. I am sure that some of these bright-eyed young leaders of the future are struggling to understand Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's groundbreaking psychological model of the five stages of grief first published in her classic 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Realizing that I had just experienced all five of these stages in rapid succession* while my beloved Hawkeyes were overrun and skeletonized by a ravenous swarm of Gophers, I figured -- as a public service -- I could share my experience to demonstrate how the five stages work. I also figured, as this afternoon's kickoff between Iowa and the heavily favored Wisconsin Badgers approaches, my fellow Hawkeye fans might benefit from a refresher course to help them process the nightmarish visions of Melvin Gordon bouncing off of and running away from would-be Iowa tacklers that are likely to be plaguing their brains later this evening.

(*Special thanks and heartfelt thoughts to Sam Simon, whose comic genius has made all of my lazy Simpsons references possible.)

STAGE ONE: DENIAL

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DENIAL started with the partially blocked punt two minutes into the second quarter. That was obviously NOT a clean block, and the stupid refs should have thrown the flag for roughing the kicker. And LALALA I can't hear you, I'm just going to pretend that terrible bounce-pass from Jake Rudock to Kevonte Martin-Manley on 3rd down never really happened! On the very next play I just couldn't believe that Desmond King, who everybody knows is the next Richard Sherman, got beat on a killer 44 yard TD pass. I figured it was just one big play, and the defense would return to the form we expect on the next possession.

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Surely we would see the dynamic offense from the Indiana and just Northwestern games emerge soon, right? After all, we're obviously way better than Minnesota! I mean, c'mon they lost to LOLinois ILLennui** and were lucky to beat jNW! Plus Kirk Ferentz teams always improve steadily as the season progresses, becoming a mighty juggernaut in the month of November. And this win is going to be the beginning of Iowa proving the "experts" wrong and making our stunning march to the Big Ten Championship and Kirk Ferentz's fourth career Coach of the Year award!

WOOOOOOOOO GO IOWA AWESOME! FERENTZ 3.0 LIVES!!!

(**H/T to BHGP commenter Ratface McDougal for giving us the new nickname for the "football team" affiliated with UIUC.)

STAGE TWO: ANGERER

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ANGER started on Iowa's next possession when Rudock threw a THREE GODDAMN YARD PASS to Tevaun Smith on 3rd and 7 with the defensive back waiting comfortably inside Tevaun's jersey to make the tackle. GODDAMMIT GREG DAVIS WHAT IS YOUR KINKY OBSESSION WITH THIS STUPID HORIZONTAL PASSING GAME AND WHY AREN'T YOU FIRED YET?!?!?

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(H/T to @mindybrown126)

On the next possession, I got pissed when Minnesota converted easily on 3rd and 5 when we left KJ Maye open beyond the sticks, and then furious when they converted 3rd and 7 shortly thereafter because we left Maxx Williams WIDE FUCKING OPEN 25 YARDS DOWNFIELD. I'M GLAD THEY OVERRULED THAT AND CALLED IT A CATCH BECAUSE WE FUCKING DESERVE IT FOR SUCH SHITTY SHITTY SHITTY COVERAGE!

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IMAGINE WHAT HE COULD HAVE DONE ON THIS PLAY IF HIS QUARTERBACK WASN'T A HOT PILE OF GARBAGE AND DIDN'T THROW THE DAMN BALL TEN YARDS OUT OF BOUNDS!

Then on 2nd and Goal at the 9, after we had stuffed their first down run, HOLY SHIT WHY IS MAXX POWER OPEN IN THE BACK OF THE FUCKING END ZONE ON A PASSING DOWN??? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? PAT ANGERER WOULDN'T HAVE LET THAT HAPPEN! HE KNEW HOW TO COVER THE DAMN TIGHT END!

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Then on the next play from scrimmage, WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. RUDOCK? HOW DOES THE BALL JUST SLIP OUT OF YOUR HAND LIKE THAT? DID THE MOTHERFUCKING GHOST OF BERNIE BIERMAN KNOCK IT OUT?

JESUS H CHRIST THIS GAME IS GOING RIGHT DOWN THE TOILET!

FIRE GERG DAVIS!!

FIRE ALL THE FERENTZESES!!!

FIRE BARTA, REHIRE HIM AND THEN FIRE HIS DUMB ASS AGAIN!!!!

FIRE UI PRESIDENT SALLY MASON TOO WHILE WE'RE AT IT!!!!!

AND YOU, PHIL PARKER, WELL ...

Well, I guess you can stay for now, actually.

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STAGE THREE: BARGAINING

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BARGAINING started on Minnesota's next possession, because my heart knew we were on the cusp of being blown out, but I was hoping for something to turn it around.

What do you say, Minnesota? Maybe we could hold you to a field goal attempt after three pretty good defensive plays! You take the three points, and we'll take the confidence builder of keeping you out of the end zone! Do we have a deal? No? You're going to go for it? Aw jeez!

Well … maybe we can stop you on 4th down and get an even bigger momentum shift! What do you say, Minnesota? You still get to send your team the positive message that you're playing to win, and we get one last chance to turn this game around and make it a contest worthy of the greatest trophy in college football! And to sweeten the pot, we'll even go ahead and pay full price for that Trucoat™ okay? Do we have a deal? No?? You're going to fumble the snap and still make the first down?

The heck do ya mean?!?

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Well … then … maybe after you score another touchdown to go ahead 28-7, we'll use the last four minutes of the first half, score a touchdown, make it a two score game, and we'll see what happens in the third quarter? What do you say Minnesota? Can you talk to your supervisor about that one?

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NO??? Let's see here. Hey, Gary Barta! You're a shrewd negotiator and an excellent manager of personnel!*** Maybe you could renegotiate Ferentz's --

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(***The @sarcasm font@ doesn't work here, folks!)

Yeah okay, never mind. Hey Coach Ferentz! Maybe you could just bow out gracefully at season's end so we can get someone willing to put a 21st century game plan out on the field?

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Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Relax, Kirk, it was just a thought!

Well, shit! What happens when I run out of negotiating ideas?

Oh yeah. That.

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION

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DEPRESSION started when the ghost of Murray Warmath tackled Jonathan Parker at the 13 yard line on a kickoff return with four minutes left in the second quarter, with the Hawkeyes trailing by a daunting three-score margin. The now fully en-turtled Iowa offense responded to that wonderful field position with a three yard run, two incomplete passes, and our third shitty punt in a row. Not only did we completely fail to reduce the steep deficit by scoring before halftime, we three-and-outed so quickly and so so so pathetically, that Minnesota ended up with the ball again at midfield with three minutes still left on the clock. WELL THAT'S JUST GREAT THEY'RE GONNA SCORE AGAIN NOW THIS IS THE SUCKIEST SUCKING GAME THAT EVERY SUCKED IN THE HISTORY OF SUCKDOM.

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Sure, we slowed Minnesota down on their first two plays, and a false start pushed it back to 3rd and 7, but you just knew we weren't going to stop them. And sure enough, they got three straight first downs on three straight running plays, and it was First and Goal. Obviously the Hawkeyes had given up by then. I mean, why bother? Isn't it pointless to even try? Nothing's ever going to get better, only worse. Then after Minnesota scores the inevitable touchdown to make it 35-7, of course Iowa fumbles it AGAIN on the very next play giving them the ball AGAIN already in field goal position. Is there a mercy rule in college football? Can we just end this game now?

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OH GOD, we just got our asses whipped by a team with an excellent running back and a shitty quarterback. And the worst part is that Wisconsin and Nebraska have even better running backs and even shittier quarterbacks. They're gonna beat us by a hundred each!

:..^(

STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE

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ACCEPTANCE that Iowa was getting clobbered in this game came in fits and starts at various moments in the second quarter. This brings us to one of the most important concepts of the five stages of grief. They do not merely progress in a steady and linear fashion, like the way Minnesota's erstwhile dysfunctional offense was marching smoothly down the field over and over again. Instead they can be a roller-coaster ride of emotions, where one might bounce back and forth erratically between bargaining and depression, like the way the football did on the ground after one of Iowa's fumbles or badly-thrown incomplete passes.

But acceptance truly set in for good for me after Akrum Wadley's fumble gave Minnesota one last opportunity to pile it on before halftime with about thirty seconds left. Perhaps more than anything else, it was an act of mercy that helped me flush this game and move on with my day. Jerry Kill, in defiance of his own last name, decided at that point not to even try to take a couple of shots at the end zone to make it 42-7. Instead he opted to ask David Cobb to run it to the middle of the field to try to set up a field goal attempt. By the time Ryan Santoso's kick sailed wildly and meaninglessly off-course, I was ready to move on. So I guess we really are the team that lost to this guy.

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Fortunately, I was watching the game in Santa Monica with my beautiful fiancée, whose interest in football varies between absolutely none whatsoever and obliging me with half-assed Hawkeye rooting when I drag her to a bar to watch a game, so we were able to make a quick change in plans at halftime. We walked down to the beach, and dipped our feet in the chilly Pacific tides. Then we headed up to the famed Santa Monica Pier and rode the ferris wheel with my arm around her shoulders. And I knew that life would go on, and I could be happy in spite of the woeful events in Minneapolis that day.

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(Photograph by Paul Velgos)

WISCONSIN 45 IOWA 17

(Prove me wrong, Hawks!)

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