After Iowa's final game on their European trip, head basketball coach Fran McCaffery gave a brief post-game interview. We could not gain access to a transcript of this interview. Luckily, McCaffery's remarks happened to be translated into French for the local press, then into Italian for a visiting reporter from La Gazetta dello Sport. Then, due to extreme international interest in the team, the interview was translated into German, from German to Greek, from Greek to Hebrew, from Hebrew to Portuguese, from Portuguese to Spanish, from Spanish to Hungarian, from Hungarian to Welsh, from Welsh to Czech, and finally from Czech back to English. We were able to obtain this translation of McCaffery's remarks, which we present with our comments in brackets.*
PAPERBOY: Imperator, the squad played very inspired football today, asymmetrically in the second part. That was the beginning of the second part?
FRAN MCCAFFERY: Thus, it is large, especially at the end of the first epoch. I had 12 at one point in the second quarter, allowing us the reality of it up and down four. Cut in half, to make you feel better about yourself killed. I feel so defensive to start the second half we had to do, and what not. Created transient events, with some great pictures - I'm Peter Jok and Josh Oglesby especially for some big hits. Aaron White Melsahn 7-7 double-double. I thought that it extends, Woodbury great people and it was great to see.
[Coach McCaffery's time in France has apparently infected him with the existentialist bug: he uses grandiose, philosophical language like "Thus, it is large", expresses truly Sartrean despair with the phrase "to make yourself feel better about yourself killed", then goes on describes his team's play as nothing but "transient events" and "great pictures" – that is, brief, superficial phenomena with no "reality" to them. As far as the "Woodbury great people" quotation goes, I take it McCaffery was remarking on Woodbury's "just folks" demeanor.]
PAPERBOY: The theme of travel, stimulating all the way to protect crime. The success of the evening, is not it?
FRAN MCCAFFERY: No doubt about it. I think if we take into account all the way, I do not think we do. Playing defense in the last 24 years two quarters the first two quarters of play last night, thought it was just business trash. What was your first time, it seemed happy, he was 10, and it was a situation where the game went into overtime. We learn from him. Today we're doing. In particular, Peter Jok came out and scored the first seven points of the game, I think it's great. I went to a different starting lineup. Many on how the different combinations. Jarrod and Pete started and both play very well, so it was good to see. I thought it was a great trip all, I am very happy with stone man, especially point.
[Apparently the team was extremely concerned about the threat of pickpocketing on their European adventure – a wise precaution. Apparently McCaffery has lost only 50 cents in the past 24 years, apparently to pickpockets dressed as sleazy businessmen. McCaffery then takes a detour into some personal reminiscences which we won't comment on. McCaffery also compliments Jarrod Uthoff and Peter Jok, then apparently recommends visiting the collection of Roman statuary at the Museum of Antiquity in Arles, near where the team played.]
PAPERBOY: All in all, this way the group was helpful?
If you have an advantage in many ways. The struggle was good. We fight, we had to contend. We meet as a group. I particularly Peter Jarrod UTHOFF and very good. Woodbury man who I thought was very good. Olaseni, I think that playing in front of family and the way the game is good to see. So, not a man who thinks to ask them. I am very satisfied with the development of Peter Jok. Having the chance to be something special. I am very happy that Josh Oglesby. Play a whole new level that we get.
[Pretty straight-forward: Peter Jarrod UTHOFF very good, Woodbury man very good, Olaseni good to see, very happy with Oglesby. Play a whole new level that we get. Sounds like he's feeling positive about the team going into the season.]
Apparently coach McCaffery's remarks are available in their original English on YouTube. I apologize for any mistranslation or misinterpretation of his words.
* Acknowledgment required here: this post shamelessly rips off Paul Simms's article "Laughter, the International Language" and the NewsRadio episode "Super Karate Monkey Death Car". Also, thanks to Google Translate for aiding in this nonsense.