INDEPENDENCE DAY 2: HAWKEYES VS. ALIENS

This post is inspired by sailorjerry's comment in the earlier Independence Day thread. So, you can blame ol' Jerry for that one.

When we last left our heroes, this was happening...

Blowing up one alien mothership, of course, did not count as a decisive victory. In fact, it only strengthened their resolve to take Earth, and this time they would be prepared.

Scene: a rebuilt Washington D.C. in early July, 2013. A five-star general marches purposefully into the oval office.

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Sir, you're going to have to see this.

Icon_morganfreeman_medium (opening folder marked "Classified As Hell") My god, they've come back.

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Yes, they have. And they're coming right for the United States this time.

Icon_morganfreeman_medium Morganfrown_medium

Old_phone_medium RING RING RING

Icon_morganfreeman_medium This is Mister President.

Icon_alien_medium How are you gentlemennnnn!!

Icon_morganfreeman_medium WHO IS THIS, DAMN IT

Icon_alien_medium Thisssss is, as your people saaayyyy, the aliensssssss

Icon_morganfreeman_medium What?! How did you learn our language?!

Icon_alien_medium It'ssss simpllllle... we've been intercepting your satellite communications over the last few yearsssss.

Icon_morganfreeman_medium My god.

Icon_alien_medium We know the approximate locations of your world leaders!

Icon_drillsergeant_medium You leave them alone, damn it!

Icon_alien_medium And your legends!

Icon_morganfreeman_medium Our... our what?

Icon_alien_medium Don't play ssssstupid, human scum! We know from your "Big Ten Network" where all the leaders and legends are located! We are situating over their metropolissssesssss right now!

Icon_morganfreeman_medium What you say !!

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Sir, we have reports of spaceships over Omaha, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, Detroit, Columbus, Pittsburgh, New York, and... Washington.

Icon_morganfreeman_medium New York and Washington? But Rutgers and Maryland aren't joining the Big Ten unti

Id4-white-house_medium

A thoroughly one-sided assault ensues. While American fighter jet technology has improved substantially, it's still an unfair fight and the ensuing blasts over the major metro areas obliterate most of the Big Ten; the aliens, while assuming incorrectly that most of the "leaders and legends" would be located directly in the metro areas, at least had the common sense to incinerate everything within a 200 mile radius of them, which pretty much solved the problem. Penn State survived but was helpless after Pittsburgh's destruction left it without the one road out of central Pennsylvania, and Illinois instinctively forfeited at the first sign of struggle.

After the carnage and Illinois' reflexive cowardice, only the University of Iowa, in tiny Iowa City, remained. Owing to obscure local emergency contingency plans, all authority is ceded to the UI football coach, one Kirk Ferentz.

Ferentz_speech2_medium

Iconferentz_medium Look folks, obviously things didn't go our way in the last couple days, the aliens are really going hard at us, we just need to execute better and hopefully we can get things turned around. Let's do it.

The crowd claps politely for a couple seconds.

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Sir, we've just received word that an alien ship is en route. We have just a few hours left to mobilize our forces. We're scrambling aircraft from the Eastern Iowa Airport as we speak.

Iconferentz_medium Does that give us F-16s or whatever?

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Well, sort of. There's nothing like that at the actual airport, god no, but there are some planes that normally do connecting flights, so they can take us to air force bases where the real good stuff is. But if you think you can take out a superalien fleet with a few DC-9s at your disposal, by all means.

Iconferentz_medium That sounds like a good enough plan. How coachable are these planes?

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Not very, sir.

Iconferentz_medium Fine. Gang, you know what to do.

The assistant coaches all file into an airplane and leave.

Iconferentz_medium OK, look, no question, we wanted to be ahead at this juncture, but y'know, we've just got to go out there and play our best for 60 minutes, take care of the little things and hopefully that scoreboard will look a little better at the end of the day.

Stunned silence ensues.

Icon_drillsergeant_medium So, uh... Anything maybe about how this is the Fourth of July weekend, coach?

Iconferentz_medium That was two days ago.

Icon_drillsergeant_medium And, y'know, Independence Day, and all? How we're independent from the aliens and stuff?

Iconferentz_medium We were never dependent on them.

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Right, but you could ment--

Ferentz_speech1_medium

Iconferentz_medium This is just one weekend in a long year. We can't get our heads up today then down in a week. We just have to go out there, execute our best, and you know, hope things turn out right.

Iconferentz_medium /sideways karate chop

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Sir! We were only able to get one fighter jet scrambled and in position to defeat the aliens!

Iconferentz_medium What? Why?

Icon_drillsergeant_medium There is literally one airplane with any ammunition in the state of Iowa. Low priority.

Iconferentz_medium Makes sense. Balance is important. It all just comes down to execution. Who's in the plane?

Davis_helmet_medium

Gerg_icon_medium Time to get some revenge on these Sooners!

Iconferentz_medium Wait, what Sooners? Greg, these are aliens.

Gerg_icon_medium I'm gonna kill you Oklahoma scum!

Icon_drillsergeant_medium Now, Coach Davis! Fire the missile!

Gerg_icon_medium HELLO, STOOPS! I'M BAAAAAAAACK!

Iconferentz_medium Do it, Greg!

Gerg_icon_medium /flies sideways away from spaceship

Gerg_icon_medium /fires missile that goes three yards then hits Mark Weisman in the knee

Mark_weisman_icon_medium My ACL!

Iconferentz_medium /punts

Iconferentz_medium /claps

Iconferentz_medium /chews gum

Kinnickboom_medium

Humanity is extinguished.

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