Who the Hawks are Up Against This Year

We often like to talk about expectations for the year, and how the Hawkeyes will play throughout the season, but how often do we think about the other team? I thought maybe it was time that we learn a little bit about the opponents. For instance, what their name even means, why it's important, and the purpose it serves for that college. Let's dive into this discovery of who the Hawkeyes are up against.

Northern Illinois Huskies

The husky is a dog that is known for living in cold regions like Alaska and Canada. So how the heck did the husky make it to DeKalb, Illinois, or to simplify, Chicago?! I find it ridiculous that a midwest school would even pride themselves on endangering animals in harsh climates. The fact is, huskies don't belong in Illinois, Hawkeyes win.

Missouri State Bears

Well at least one school put their mascot in a region where it can live. The bear, known for roaming the forested land of the Ozarks, is the symbol of Missouri State. Too bad bears are known for never being able to find enough food for the winter and dying quickly. The football team is the same way at Missouri State. They have never been able to stock up enough wins to make a bowl game, and their stuck living in the whiskey-driven state of Missouri. Hawkeyes win.

Iowa State Cyclones

A cyclone is known as a tornado, or something similar (I don't have a clue what the difference is), but in this instance that's wrong. You see, when the word cyclone comes after Iowa State is means piece of shit. Why would you want to name your school after one of the worst causes of natural disasters in the country?! These people don't care about the lives of others, and probably get really excited when there's a tornado warning for Ames, Iowa. The idiocy of these people spreads throughout the school. The stupid campus collects football players, and hence, all you are left with is a bunch of "football players" that quit practice to look at the sky when it becomes cloudy in hope of a tornado. They are simply no match. Hawkeyes win.

Western Michigan Broncos

First, in case you really struggled in school, a bronco is a horse. That's what the guys that are too scared to ride bulls ride to try to feel somewhat tough. Now you maybe remember that these broncos stopped that mighty team featuring Jake Christensen from making it to a bowl game. They stopped Iowa in the dust and then the "demise" of Ferentz started, just remember he won a freaking orange bowl in between there people! Anyway, how many broncos do you think roam the lands of Michigan? That's what I thought, there are zero broncos in the Michigan area. It makes since for a team like Boise in the middle of nowhere, but I won't mention them again or the band wagon idiots will be back with their tears about not getting a fair chance to embarrass themselves. Anyway, since the broncos are all in Idaho to play on a blue field, Western Michigan will be left in the dust, and will collapse as a university. Hawkeyes win.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

First of all, I'm glad that the University of Minnesota clears up the fact that they only have gophers the color of gold. That took extreme creativity on their part, but they picked the worst animal possible in Minnesota. If you ever go through Minnesota and South Dakota and ask the locals what annoys them the most. You'll probably get a response featuring one or more cuss words followed by the word gopher. That's right, this isn't the cute, fuzzy creature like Minnesota wants you to think. They're nothing but ground-digging varmints that, quite frankly, are a pain in the ass. They piss of the people of South Dakota so much, that they hunt the things. The hatred among gophers scares the team to much to make the journey from campus to their football stadium. The team doesn't show up and lose by forfeit. Hawkeyes win.

Michigan State Spartans

If there's ever a mascot to piss you off, it's certainly "Sparty". This mascot roams around the campus with a stupid frown, and a foam sword. There has never been a worse attempt at creating a nickname than at Michigan State. The name spartans has absolutely nothing to do with the history, or geographical location of the state. Their nickname came from an immigrant from Sparta, no joke, that's the only thing Michigan State has to back up their nickname choice. They should've stuck with the name Michigan Staters, but if they wanted to be disrespected even more than they already were, they have succeeded. Besides, these spartans can't even kill a wolverine. The game before Iowa, the little spartans will be destroyed by a group of fighting Irish men from Indiana. A mighty spartan will never come out after getting destroyed by little 4' men. Hopefully this is once and for all the end of Sparty. Hawkeyes win.

Ohio State Buckeyes

This is the worst nickname at all, because it stands a chance against the Hawkeyes. It does have some historical and geographical significance. However, I think I finally found a weakness in the Buckeyes. First of all, Brutus doesn't help their cause at all. This overstuffed moron is just plain stupid. But the worst thing about the Buckeyes is that they rely on luck! They shape their stadium in a horse shoe trying to draw the same gods to them that are supposedly at Notre Dame (you wouldn't know they were even there up until last year again though). Here's the catch, if the Buckeyes are lucky enough to get a win, they put a stupid star called a buckeye on their helmet, and consider themselves "good". This cockiness will lead to increased luck-pursuing habits. Don't be surprised when four-leaf clovers are planted around the stadium. The outright stupidity reflects on the team, and they begin to look for a pot of gold. Hawkeyes win.

Northwestern Wildcats

The name wildcats is a combination of multiple nicknames. It contains tiger, lions, and other felines. The name also is a part of anything in the wild such as panthers, jaguars, etc. The reason that Northwestern did this is because they are indecisive. The college continues to be a private institution, and really wonders if they'll ever be able to win anything significant in life. The insecurity will be throughout the team and they may even jump into Lake Michigan. Regardless, Hawkeyes win.

Wisconsin Badgers

It's our favorite little bastard Bucky the Badger. Of course, we all know how annoying badgers are, but just in case you somehow don't, just visit and you'll understand. These ground burrowing creatures continue to try to tick everyone off. But then, we fight for a cow?! I'm glad that Wisconsin's mascot has anything to do with a cow, oh wait it doesn't. They are considered the dairy state, and they chose a badger. A frustrated government decides to just banish the university for not utilizing their blessings, and deciding badgers were the best thing in Wisconsin. No question, Hawkeyes win.

Purdue Boilermakers

The boilermaker is referring back to the days of coal-fired trains when someone had to constant pitch coal into the furnace to fuel the train. This is a historical nickname that was great 20 years ago, but not anymore. That puts at least 0.00001% of pollution in the air, and it is unacceptable! Shame on Purdue University for promoting pollution around the state of Indiana! The Hawkeyes encourage farmers while Purdue encourages destroying the planet. I see a problem here. The Go Green Foundation will certainly take care of this problems themselves. With who knows what happening to the Purdue football players, Hawkeyes win.

Michigan Wolverines

Ah, the wolverine, that mammal that roams the low land and looking for bugs. Probably the most disgusting land creature other than the honey badger. But how does Michigan try to make this nickname sound amazing? They added wings to it.. No I'm not kidding, they put wings on their helmet. Quite frankly I don't care about the history, it's just stupid that they even tried to imagine a wolverine with wings. I can't fathom why the University of Michigan would try to lose all the respect they ever had. The referees don't even respect Michigan enough to officiate the game and Michigan is forced to forfeit. Hawkeyes win.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

This is the last game of the regular season. The game is becoming a rivalry and playing the day after Thanksgiving is just part of the tradition. But it's that very fact that is why Nebraska stands no chance. Corn may be sometimes served at Thanksgiving, but it's not the turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, or pumpkin pie. That means that for this meal, the University of Nebraska can't shuck corn because no one will eat it. Meanwhile, the Hawkeyes will be taking in 15+ pounds of food all day and ready to play football the next day. The starved football players from Nebraska will be weak and fragile. Just imagine a healthy, fully stuffed on turkey Mark Weisman. This is definitely the scariest image of the year, especially for the brittle Nebraskans. The game will be over after the lineman (average 50+ pounds of weight gain each) shatter every Nebraska player. Hawkeyes win.

As you can see the future is very bright for the Hawkeyes, and the schedule is very favorable. I hope this helped you realize how great our chances are this year, and also gave you a quick history lesson. Until next time, the tigerhawk remains the dominant species.


Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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