In Which Kirk Ferentz Helps the Ravens Win a Super Bowl

Matthew Holst

BHGP Investigations uncovered the hidden story behind a critical play late in last night's Super Bowl.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

Sean_considine_icon_medium Hello?

Iconferentz_medium Sean! It's Kirk. Kirk Ferentz.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Oh hey, coach, how's it going?

Iconferentz_medium Oh, pretty good, pretty good.

Sean_considine_icon_medium That's good. What can I do for you?

Iconferentz_medium Well, it's more about what I can do for you, Sean. I want to give you a little advice for the Super Bowl.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Oh. Uh, okay.

Iconferentz_medium Great! As you know, I used to coach for the Baltimore Ravens, so I have a soft spot for you guys. Got a little dusty in here when I saw that Ogden was voted into the Hall of Fame the other day.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Yeah, he was a really good player. Say, coach, shouldn't you be busy recruiting? Isn't National Signing Day coming off awful soon?

Iconferentz_medium hahaha! Oh, Sean, when you've been at it for 14 years like I have, you've got things down pat. Our operation is a well-oiled machine at this point!

Sean_considine_icon_medium Oh.

Iconferentz_medium Besides, if there's any important news, my carrier pigeons know where to find me.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Carrier pigeons? Coach, you know they have cell phones now and --

Iconferentz_medium Pish and tosh, Sean. Carrier pigeons have served mankind well for hundreds of years with no complaints. Maybe when your text whatchamacallits and your cellular thingamajigs have been around for that long, then I'll trust them a little more.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Ah, but --

Iconferentz_medium Although did you ever hear of someone needing to reboot their pigeon? Or plug it in at night? No sir, you sure did not.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Well, that's true, but --

Iconferentz_medium Besides, that's why I brought Brian back. He's good with all that Facetubing and YouSpacing and Twirping that the kids these days are into.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Uh, right.

Iconferentz_medium Anyway, Sean, I wanted to talk to you about the game.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Okay.

Iconferentz_medium It's really important that you win it, Sean.

Sean_considine_icon_medium It sure is, coach. I don't know if I'll ever get another opportunity like this one.

Iconferentz_medium Sure, sure. I mean, yes, it is important that you win it for you, and for your teammates, and for the Ravens organization, and for the University of Iowa, and all that. That's good and proper.

Iconferentz_medium But you also need to win it because Jim Harbaugh is a goddamn whiny little pissant.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Um.

Iconferentz_medium I've been annoyed with him ever since he was quarterbacking Bo's Wolverine teams back in the '80s. Did you know that in '85 that little shit-stain whined so much about how much noise the Iowa fans were making that they actually called a penalty on us?

Sean_considine_icon_medium Wow.

Iconferentz_medium No lie. Lemme tell you, Hayden was pissed about that. Oh boy, was he ever pissed. If Rob hadn't made that kick to win the game, I'm pretty sure Hayden would have stormed across the sideline and socked Jim right in his stupid little whine-hole.

Iconferentz_medium Goddamn crybaby. It's called homefield advantage, Jimbo -- shut up and deal with it. But, no, his delicate ears couldn't handle a little extra noise.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Uh, okay, coach. Was there anything else you wanted to add?

Iconferentz_medium Yes, one more thing. If there's a moment late in the game, when you've got the ball and a lead, tell John you should [/whispers].

Sean_considine_icon_medium /eyes light up

Sean_considine_icon_medium Oh!

Iconferentz_medium Yeah, you remember that one, don't you?

Sean_considine_icon_medium I sure do.

Iconferentz_medium Just pass it along to John, will you? Anyway, congratulations on making it to the big game and good luck on winning it.

Sean_considine_icon_medium Thanks, coach.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

It's late in the fourth quarter and Baltimore has a 34-29 lead. With just under a minute to go, the Ravens fail to obtain a first down after a run on third down. The Ravens line up to punt, milking the clock down as far as possible.

Jim_nantz_icon_medium And the ball is snapped and Koch catches the ball and... oh! He's holding on to it! He's scampering along the back of the end zone! Oh my, the clock is tick-tick-ticking away!

Phil_simms_icon_medium Wow, Jim. Just wow.

Jim_nantz_icon_medium Keen insight, partner! And now Koch has been pushed out of bounds by the 49ers, and it's a safety! An intentional safety! Oh my! The 49ers will get the ball back down just three points, but with only seconds remaining in the game!

Iconferentz_medium [/softly] Well done, John. Well done.

Old_school_tv_icon_medium /Jim Harbaugh gesticulates wildly on the sidelines, his face contorting into several angry grimaces.

Iconferentz_medium And eff you, Jim. Eff. You.

Iconferentz_medium The Eff You Safety rides again!

Congrats to Sean Considine and Marshal Yanda for winning the Super Bowl last night. They helped the Baltimore Ravens become the third-straight team to win the Super Bowl with the help of a Hawkeye (or two) on the roster. Last year, the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants had Tyler Sash and the year before that the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers had Bryan Bulaga. The lesson? Draft a Hawkeye if you want to win the Super Bowl, of course.

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