BHGP Investigations uncovered the hidden story behind a critical play late in last night's Super Bowl.
Sean! It's Kirk. Kirk Ferentz.
Oh hey, coach, how's it going?
Oh, pretty good, pretty good.
That's good. What can I do for you?
Well, it's more about what I can do for you, Sean. I want to give you a little advice for the Super Bowl.
Oh. Uh, okay.
Great! As you know, I used to coach for the Baltimore Ravens, so I have a soft spot for you guys. Got a little dusty in here when I saw that Ogden was voted into the Hall of Fame the other day.
Yeah, he was a really good player. Say, coach, shouldn't you be busy recruiting? Isn't National Signing Day coming off awful soon?
hahaha! Oh, Sean, when you've been at it for 14 years like I have, you've got things down pat. Our operation is a well-oiled machine at this point!
Besides, if there's any important news, my carrier pigeons know where to find me.
Carrier pigeons? Coach, you know they have cell phones now and --
Pish and tosh, Sean. Carrier pigeons have served mankind well for hundreds of years with no complaints. Maybe when your text whatchamacallits and your cellular thingamajigs have been around for that long, then I'll trust them a little more.
Ah, but --
Although did you ever hear of someone needing to reboot their pigeon? Or plug it in at night? No sir, you sure did not.
Well, that's true, but --
Besides, that's why I brought Brian back. He's good with all that Facetubing and YouSpacing and Twirping that the kids these days are into.
Anyway, Sean, I wanted to talk to you about the game.
It's really important that you win it, Sean.
It sure is, coach. I don't know if I'll ever get another opportunity like this one.
Sure, sure. I mean, yes, it is important that you win it for you, and for your teammates, and for the Ravens organization, and for the University of Iowa, and all that. That's good and proper.
But you also need to win it because Jim Harbaugh is a goddamn whiny little pissant.
I've been annoyed with him ever since he was quarterbacking Bo's Wolverine teams back in the '80s. Did you know that in '85 that little shit-stain whined so much about how much noise the Iowa fans were making that they actually called a penalty on us?
No lie. Lemme tell you, Hayden was pissed about that. Oh boy, was he ever pissed. If Rob hadn't made that kick to win the game, I'm pretty sure Hayden would have stormed across the sideline and socked Jim right in his stupid little whine-hole.
Goddamn crybaby. It's called homefield advantage, Jimbo -- shut up and deal with it. But, no, his delicate ears couldn't handle a little extra noise.
Uh, okay, coach. Was there anything else you wanted to add?
Yes, one more thing. If there's a moment late in the game, when you've got the ball and a lead, tell John you should [/whispers].
/eyes light up
Yeah, you remember that one, don't you?
I sure do.
Just pass it along to John, will you? Anyway, congratulations on making it to the big game and good luck on winning it.
* * *
THE NEXT DAY
It's late in the fourth quarter and Baltimore has a 34-29 lead. With just under a minute to go, the Ravens fail to obtain a first down after a run on third down. The Ravens line up to punt, milking the clock down as far as possible.
And the ball is snapped and Koch catches the ball and... oh! He's holding on to it! He's scampering along the back of the end zone! Oh my, the clock is tick-tick-ticking away!
Wow, Jim. Just wow.
Keen insight, partner! And now Koch has been pushed out of bounds by the 49ers, and it's a safety! An intentional safety! Oh my! The 49ers will get the ball back down just three points, but with only seconds remaining in the game!
[/softly] Well done, John. Well done.
/Jim Harbaugh gesticulates wildly on the sidelines, his face contorting into several angry grimaces.
And eff you, Jim. Eff. You.
The Eff You Safety rides again!
Congrats to Sean Considine and Marshal Yanda for winning the Super Bowl last night. They helped the Baltimore Ravens become the third-straight team to win the Super Bowl with the help of a Hawkeye (or two) on the roster. Last year, the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants had Tyler Sash and the year before that the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers had Bryan Bulaga. The lesson? Draft a Hawkeye if you want to win the Super Bowl, of course.