Well, we have a full schedule of interviews to replace our video coordinator.
What? Engelbert's leaving? When did this happen?
Earlier this month.
I'm telling you, all this staff turnover is really taking its toll. Thanks a lot Erb.
Anyway, Mr. Barta put the job opening on the school website and you wouldn't believe the response.
Film director needed. Money, money, money. Looking for creative directors with desire, vision and a distinct title. $. $. $. Awards a distinct possibility. Only have to answer to one man, Bloodpunch. All applicants welcome, except Jamie Pollard. Mucho dinero.
Ooooooooh, it looks like your first applicant has arrived. Right this way, sir.
Welcome, Mr. ?
Bay, Michael Bay, nice to meet you.
Well, Michael what can you tell me about yourself?
Well I've directed a film or two. Perhaps you've heard of Transformers?
Is that the one with the asteroid?
And Morgan Freeman as the president?
No, that was Deep Impact.
So you haven't seen my work, that's OK because I've prepared a visual aid. Do you remember when Shonn Green bulldozed that Purdue safety?
I do. That was a good memory.
Well, now watch as that gets Bayed.
But that explosion never happened.
The video says differently. And I am willing to add similar explosions for big hits, big blocks and all punts.
Hmmmmm. Punt... explosions... It's pretty tempting. You know what, I'll get back to you. Thank you for stopping by.
Okay, we've talking now for an hour. We've talked about the origin of Groundhog Day, the importance of the Shaft theme and the proper temperature to cook a pizza bagel. Are we ever going to talk about football and the job?
Sorry. Sorry. You see, I think Iowa is perfect for my next project and I'll show you why.
Well, that is definitely game film, but I'm pretty sure that it is from the 1980s.
Exactly. Here's what I am thinking. Okay. It's the 1980s. Yuppies, bright neon colors and the high-flying Iowa football team. Now everyone, okay, thinks Iowa is a shell of its former self from the early 80s. But, you see, Iowa's got a secret weapon, a quarterback with a rocket arm, an incredible love life, a horrible drug problem and a price tag on his head. The mob is out to get him, drug dealers are out to get him, Ohio State is out to get him. How, okay, does he survive? Well, you see, we'll show that right at the beginning and then end the movie with the quarterback being born, and here's the twist, in Nazi Germany. The whole movie has been in a dystopian timeline.
I know I'm going to sound dumb, but something seems off here. What's a yuppie?
Well, you see, a yuppie was a young businessperson, who often boug-
You know what, this is too much.
Wait, wait. Don't you want to hear the title? "Chuck-it-Long".
This has been horrible. Not a single applicant has even come close to Engelbert. Do you have his number? I'll beg.
Well we do have one final applicant. And, ooh, he's here now. Come right through here, sir.
Thank you, ma'am. Mr. Ferentz it's a pleasure.
Thank you for coming in (looks down at resume) Hayden. Ummm... how do you pronounce your last name?
Moo-stash-rid-day. It's French.
Okay. I'm going to stick with Hayden if it's alright with you. Now before we start, I'm sorry, I have to say - you look a lot like.
I know, I know. Clark Gable. I get it all the time.
That's not... you know what. Forget it.
I just want to say that I am a huge Hawkeye fan and I think I have the video experience that will help the program. For instance:
I also brought two more, there's this:
Hayden, I'm going to be honest with you. I am... kind of intrigued. I don't know what it is, but these videos are doing it for me. So you're a big Iowa fan and have some strong video evidence, anything else I should know.
Well I was once roommates with your old buddy Ken O'Keefe.
No way! You're that Hayden?! We thought for sure that this was just another imaginary friend. In fact, Reese Morgan owes me five bucks. You know what. Any friend of Ken is a friend of mine. You've got the job.
Then they shake hands and, wait for it, another explosion. Then, fade to end credits. That's the movie.
So let me get this straight, your Transformers prequel is about a cooler version of yourself, only with a mustache, who earns a job with a down-on-their-luck college football team and ‘transforms' them into a contender just with his video recordings of their games which, in your words, contain about 30-40 explosions.
That's exactly right.
I love it.
(Hat tip to HawkeyeHistorian for the 1985 Iowa video and of course HaydenFry'sMustacheRide, who is the preeminent jort-clad director of our time)
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