The Hawkeyes Go Hollywood

"Well, no I haven't seen it, but the plot of Django Unchained does sound interesting" - Reid Compton-US PRESSWIRE

The Iowa football team needs a new video coordinator. Time for a casting call.

Iconferentz_medium Alright, what's on the docket today?

Iconsecretary_medium Well, we have a full schedule of interviews to replace our video coordinator.

Iconferentz_medium What? Engelbert's leaving? When did this happen?

Iconsecretary_medium Earlier this month.

Iconferentz_medium I'm telling you, all this staff turnover is really taking its toll. Thanks a lot Erb.

Iconsecretary_medium Anyway, Mr. Barta put the job opening on the school website and you wouldn't believe the response.

Film director needed. Money, money, money. Looking for creative directors with desire, vision and a distinct title. $. $. $. Awards a distinct possibility. Only have to answer to one man, Bloodpunch. All applicants welcome, except Jamie Pollard. Mucho dinero.

Iconferentz_medium Oh boy.

Iconsecretary_medium Ooooooooh, it looks like your first applicant has arrived. Right this way, sir.

Iconferentz_medium Welcome, Mr. ?

Michael_bay_icon_medium Bay, Michael Bay, nice to meet you.

Iconferentz_medium Well, Michael what can you tell me about yourself?

Michael_bay_icon_medium Well I've directed a film or two. Perhaps you've heard of Transformers?

Iconferentz_medium Nope.

Michael_bay_icon_medium Bad Boys?

Iconferentz_medium Uh-uh.

Michael_bay_icon_medium Armageddon?

Iconferentz_medium Is that the one with the asteroid?

Michael_bay_icon_medium (excitedly) Yes!

Iconferentz_medium And Morgan Freeman as the president?

Michael_bay_icon_medium No, that was Deep Impact.

Iconferentz_medium Then, no.

Michael_bay_icon_medium So you haven't seen my work, that's OK because I've prepared a visual aid. Do you remember when Shonn Green bulldozed that Purdue safety?

Iconferentz_medium I do. That was a good memory.

Michael_bay_icon_medium Well, now watch as that gets Bayed.

Iconferentz_medium Bayed?

Michael_bay_icon_medium Just watch.

Michael_bay_icon_medium YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! KA-BOOOM!

Iconferentz_medium But that explosion never happened.

Michael_bay_icon_medium The video says differently. And I am willing to add similar explosions for big hits, big blocks and all punts.

Iconferentz_medium Hmmmmm. Punt... explosions... It's pretty tempting. You know what, I'll get back to you. Thank you for stopping by.

Michael_bay_icon_medium Thank you.

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Iconferentz_medium Okay, we've talking now for an hour. We've talked about the origin of Groundhog Day, the importance of the Shaft theme and the proper temperature to cook a pizza bagel. Are we ever going to talk about football and the job?

Quentin_tarantino_icon_medium Sorry. Sorry. You see, I think Iowa is perfect for my next project and I'll show you why.

Iconferentz_medium Well, that is definitely game film, but I'm pretty sure that it is from the 1980s.

Quentin_tarantino_icon_medium Exactly. Here's what I am thinking. Okay. It's the 1980s. Yuppies, bright neon colors and the high-flying Iowa football team. Now everyone, okay, thinks Iowa is a shell of its former self from the early 80s. But, you see, Iowa's got a secret weapon, a quarterback with a rocket arm, an incredible love life, a horrible drug problem and a price tag on his head. The mob is out to get him, drug dealers are out to get him, Ohio State is out to get him. How, okay, does he survive? Well, you see, we'll show that right at the beginning and then end the movie with the quarterback being born, and here's the twist, in Nazi Germany. The whole movie has been in a dystopian timeline.

Iconferentz_medium I know I'm going to sound dumb, but something seems off here. What's a yuppie?

Quentin_tarantino_icon_medium Well, you see, a yuppie was a young businessperson, who often boug-

Iconferentz_medium You know what, this is too much.

Quentin_tarantino_icon_medium Wait, wait. Don't you want to hear the title? "Chuck-it-Long".

Iconferentz_medium Get out of here.

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Iconferentz_medium Now Mr. Snyder, you're telling me that the entire 60-minute game will be in slow motion. At the rate we're going it will take about 10 hours to get through one tape.

Zack_snyder_icon_medium The ultimate viewing experience.

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Iconferentz_medium These aren't even football highlights.

M_night_shaymalan_medium Bet, you didn't see that one coming.

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Steven_spielberg_icon_medium Can I ask you a question?

Iconferentz_medium Absolutely.

Steven_spielberg_icon_medium Do you have any children?

Iconferentz_medium Yes, I have five.

Steven_spielberg_icon_medium Any sons?

Iconferentz_medium Three of them.

Steven_spielberg_icon_medium And how is your relationship with your sons?

Iconferentz_medium Well it can be tough because all three of them are associated with the program.

Steven_spielberg_icon_medium Is that right? Very... very interesting.

Iconferentz_medium OK, this is starting to creep me out. Please leave.

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James_cameron_icon_medium I promise this venture will make a profit, in fact I guarantee it.

Iconferentz_medium Well, the football program is already a strong money ma-

James_cameron_icon_medium All I need is a green screen, your best group of computer animators and 600 million dollars.

Iconferentz_medium Next!

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Woody_allen_icon_medium I was thinking of filming the entire season in Versailles.

Iconferentz_medium Next!

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John_waters_icon_medium Now if I do take this job, I do need to know - what is your feeling on camp?

Iconferentz_medium Oh camp's very important. It gives a chance for the team to come together and it allows us to see the growth players have made during the summer.

John_waters_icon_medium Next!

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Iconferentz_medium This has been horrible. Not a single applicant has even come close to Engelbert. Do you have his number? I'll beg.

Iconsecretary_medium Well we do have one final applicant. And, ooh, he's here now. Come right through here, sir.

Hfmr_icon_medium Thank you, ma'am. Mr. Ferentz it's a pleasure.

Iconferentz_medium Thank you for coming in (looks down at resume) Hayden. Ummm... how do you pronounce your last name?

Hfmr_icon_medium Moo-stash-rid-day. It's French.

Iconferentz_medium Okay. I'm going to stick with Hayden if it's alright with you. Now before we start, I'm sorry, I have to say - you look a lot like.

Hfmr_icon_medium I know, I know. Clark Gable. I get it all the time.

Iconferentz_medium That's not... you know what. Forget it.

Hfmr_icon_medium I just want to say that I am a huge Hawkeye fan and I think I have the video experience that will help the program. For instance:

Iconferentz_medium Ummm... OK.

Hfmr_icon_medium I also brought two more, there's this:

Hfmr_icon_medium And this:

Iconferentz_medium Hayden, I'm going to be honest with you. I am... kind of intrigued. I don't know what it is, but these videos are doing it for me. So you're a big Iowa fan and have some strong video evidence, anything else I should know.

Hfmr_icon_medium Well I was once roommates with your old buddy Ken O'Keefe.

Iconferentz_medium No way! You're that Hayden?! We thought for sure that this was just another imaginary friend. In fact, Reese Morgan owes me five bucks. You know what. Any friend of Ken is a friend of mine. You've got the job.

Hfmr_icon_medium You mean it?

Iconferentz_medium I do.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Michael_bay_icon_medium Then they shake hands and, wait for it, another explosion. Then, fade to end credits. That's the movie.

Movie_executive_icon_medium So let me get this straight, your Transformers prequel is about a cooler version of yourself, only with a mustache, who earns a job with a down-on-their-luck college football team and ‘transforms' them into a contender just with his video recordings of their games which, in your words, contain about 30-40 explosions.

Michael_bay_icon_medium That's exactly right.

Movie_executive_icon_medium I love it.

(Hat tip to HawkeyeHistorian for the 1985 Iowa video and of course HaydenFry'sMustacheRide, who is the preeminent jort-clad director of our time)

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