Yesterday, Feb. 23, 2013 -- a date which will live in infamy -- the University of Iowa was suddenly and deliberately beaten by the forces of Nebraska in basketball and both Minnesota and Missouri in wrestling.

Jesus H. Christ.

Earlier today, Nebraska also beat our women's basketball team.

Double Jesus H. Christ.

Nebraska has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the midwest. While Missouri, and their allies, Minnesota launched attacks from the north and south. The facts of Saturday and of today speak for themselves. The people of Iowa have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our state.

Those opinions being Nebraskans like to fornicate with their sisters. Minnesotans are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Missouri, yeeeesh, don't get me started. Go ahead, annex Lee County, both states could use the IQ bump.

As commander in chief of the Department of Education and NCAA, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

Always, will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome these awful losses, the Hawkeye nation, in their righteous might, will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the people of Iowa, when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves in the Big Ten to the uttermost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.

Hostilities exist in the Big Ten. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our University and our interests in the midwest are in grave danger. Especially from the goddamn bug-eaters.

With confidence in our Hawkeye teams -- with the unbending determination of Iowans -- we will gain the inevitable triumph -- so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare, that since the dastardly wins by Nebraska, Minnesota and Missouri on Saturday, Feb. 23, a state of war has existed between the University of Iowa and the shitholes of Minnesota and Missouri, and the afterbirth known as Nebraska. God, fuck Nebraska.

- President Franklin D. Roosevelt