It's a bye week and fightforiowa left the old F3 just sitting in the garage unattended. I thought I'd take it out for spin.
Iowa has a roughly 1% chance of beating Ohio State next week. With proper game planning, thorough preparation and hard nosed play they can probably double, even triple, those odds. That's not good enough. So what needs to happen to give our beloved Hawkeyes a true fighting chance?
Advance warning: some of these strategies involve Class A felonies, so you didn't hear them from me.
1. Ohio State Fails To Show Up
A small team of well trained operatives should be able to hijack an fOSU team bus and drive it around rural Ohio for a few hours before the players catch on. Just tell them there's a construction detour. Football players can be rather meat headed so it should work. If not, the operatives' machine guns will encourage compliance. When the full compliment of regular Buckeye players aren't at the stadium for kickoff, Urban will be forced to either forfeit or improvise a new game plan.
2. Performance Enhancing Drugs
The world learned two things watching Lance Armstrong win the Tour De France. First, you only need to watch the last 2 minutes of a bicycle race. The rest is a just bunch of guys on a boring ride through the countryside. Since "not watching TV" isn't going to help win in Columbus, Iowa should go with the other lesson: Doping works. Done properly, it can work really, really well. A game day mixture of anabolic steroids, testosterone, cocaine and a Chinese military painkiller should be sufficient.
3. Substitute Players
Iowa's current players are working hard, and that's good, but it's not going to be good enough. Kirk Ferentz needs to recall every former Iowa player currently in the NFL. Think about it, Ricky, Shonn, Marshall, Dallas, Bulaga*, Tony Mo**. There is no way a bunch of college kids can beat that all star lineup. Plus, with all the pads and helmets, there's little chance the ruse will be uncovered. Unless Adrian Clayborn decides to eat a punter, which is an acceptable risk.
4. Horton Blasts A Buckeye
Ever heard the phrase "beast mode"? Ever wonder what would happen if Iowa put real beasts on the field? It's time to find out.
The obvious choice is horses. They're trainable, readily available on short notice and there's a reason mounted cavalry dominated the battlefield from the days of Genghis Khan until the widespread adoption of gunpowder. Unfortunately Iowa can't use horses because that would get the Jacobi-ites all in a tizzy, they'd rise up out of their basements and the rest of us would have to meet them at the park and kick their asses. Let's not open that can of worms***.
Bulls and rhinoceroses are also out of the question. Bulls are just asking for unnecessary roughness penalties and rhinos are very hard to find. So even though watching Buckeyes run in terror before getting stomped and gored is an attractive idea, it's just not feasible.
That leaves elephants. They're big, strong, tough, smart, and can reach speeds up to 25 mph. Their trunks are very versatile and can be used to carry, throw or catch the ball, break up fOSU pass plays and of course, wrap up and take down the ball carrier. They can also be used to carry a lunchbox full of peanuts for a halftime snack.
With an average height of 11 feet and weighing over 5 tons, they will make truly imposing linemen. There won't be time to teach them proper zone blocking, but the size advantage should overcome any lack of technique.
To thank the elephants after the game, they can be turned loose on their former trainers. Because elephant trainers are fucking assholes and it's time the elephants had some revenge.
With Iowa fielding a team of elephants, professional players and drug crazed regulars, while Ohio State has only backups and overzealous fans who insisted on playing, the Hawkeyes coast to a win.
Final Score: Iowa 500 - Ohio State 0
- This strategy assumes all the Iowa guys can get healthy in the next week.
- It's a big assumption.
- Worms are an animal. See what I did there?****
- Fine, worms aren't really animals, they're bugs or something. Get over it