FanPost

Iowa coaches meeting as told by OK Computer

Note: This either batshit insanity or actual legitimate insanity, and I'm not sure which. I would recommend listening to Radiohead's OK Computer like a thousand times before reading this post.

(All Iowa assistants await Kirk in the meeting room)

Brian: Les, do you know what this meeting is about?

Les: Pack and get dressed/Before your father hears us/Before all hell breaks loose

(Kirk enters)

Kirk: Wake/From your sleep/Today we escaped/we escaped

Brian: Let down and hanging around

Kirk: No question about it. The D-line really stepped up in the second half.

Brian: Crushed like a bug into the ground. Dad, what happened there at the postgame handshake with the other coach? It looked like it got pretty heated.

Kirk: I said “good game coach” and then he was all like Why don’t you remember my name and then I was like This is what you get when you mess with us and then I was like When I am king/You will be first against the wall

Brian: That doesn’t sound like you.

Kirk: For a minute there/I lost myself

Brian: Maybe it was because Soldier Field had that bad gum you don’t like.

Darrell: Don’t worry coach I heard your brand of gum will be coming back in style.

Kirk: Dammit, Darrell, nobody thinks your Twin Peaks references are funny. No more of those today.

Darrell: Sorry coach.

Kirk: Reese, you did a hell of a job with the D-line, maybe you could give some pointers for the O-line.

Reese: The secret is FITTER HAPPIER/MORE PRODUCTIVE/COMFORTABLE/NOT DRINKING TOO MUCH/REGULAR EXERCISE AT THE GYM/3 DAYS A WEEK/GETTING ON BETTER WITH YOUR ASSOCIATE EMPLOYEE CONTEMPORARIES/AT EASE/EATING WELL/NO MORE MICROWAVE DINNERS AND SATURATED FATS/A PATIENT BETTER DRIVER/A SAFER CAR/BABY SMILING IN BACK SEAT/SLEEPING WELL/NO BAD DREAMS/NO PARANOIA

Kirk: I got most of that, sounds good. Speaking of paranoia, Les, what are you doing, Climbing up the Walls? Running game went well today, no injuries or suspensions.

Les: I'm amazed that I survived/An AIRBHG saved my life

Kirk: Were you in some sort of accident?

Brian: Dad, I don’t think he’s talking about a car accident, I think he’s talking about the Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God, AIRBHG.

Kirk: Isn’t that some sort of made up curse.

Brian: Don’t be Uptight

Kirk: Uptight?

Soup: Uptight?

Reese: Uptight?

Brian: Uptight

Kirk: Uptight

Brian: AIRBHG is not a curse. Not even Iowa City “journalists” believe in curses. AIRBHG is a deity, a god, and everybody believes in those. Gods smite, they don’t bother with curses. There is also the possibility that Shonn Greene killed AIRBHG and now Les is dealing with AIRBHG’s mother, which is way worse.

Les: AIRBHG loves his children, AIRBHG loves his children

I'd tell all my friends/But they'd never believe/They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely

Soup: Hey man/Slow down/Slow down

Kirk: What’s that/What’s that. Did you just say AIRBHG loves his children?

Les: I'd tell all my friends/But they'd never believe/They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely

Reese: CAREFUL TO ALL ANIMALS/NEVER WASHING SPIDERS DOWN THE PLUGHOLE/KEEP IN CONTACT WITH OLD FRIENDS/ENJOY A DRINK NOW AND THEN

Kirk: What’s that? What's that?

Darrell: Just make sure that beer isn’t a Heineken. Fuck that shit. Pabst Blue Ribbon. Amirite.

Kirk: Darrell, what did I just say.

Darrell: That was Blue Velvet.

Kirk: It’s still David Lynch. One more of those and you are out in the hall.

Darrell: Fine, fine…quit staring at me. I am not an animal, I’m a human being.

Kirk: Silent/Silent. Look everybody we have a big week ahead of us. We are going to be back home. Back at our house.

Soup: Such a pretty house/Such a pretty garden

Norm: Don't get sentimental/It always ends up drivel

Kirk: Norm, I’m glad you took in the game as a fan. Everybody remember Norm?

Everybody: Hey Norm.

Norm: Please could you stop the noise/I'm trying to get some rest

Kirk: No comments at all about the game?

Norm: You want to know about football. The crackle of pigskin/The dust and the screaming/The panic, the vomit/The panic, the vomit. That’s football.

Kirk: Phil, what’s the plan on D this week.

Phil: So far, I plan on having Carl walk up to Steele Jantz before the game and tell him We hope that you choke/That you choke

Kirk: Greg, you have anything?

Greg: We keep running those wide receiver screens, eventually we’ll break one.

Kirk: No, the new offense is When I go forwards/You go backwards

Greg: The side to side is sort of my thing. In my opinion…

Kirk: Your opinion which is of no consequence at all. The new offense is When I go forwards/You go backwards

Greg: I’ve given all I can

Kirk: It’s not enough

Greg: I’ve given all I can

Kirk: We’re still on the payroll.

Les: In an interstellar burst/I am back to save the universe

Kirk: What’s that/What’s that I didn’t know you were gone. Les, we really need the running game to come through this week. No alarms and no surprises

Les: I'm on a roll/I'm on a roll/This time/I feel my luck could change

Kirk: No alarms and no surprises/Please. We just need a solid ground game, no heroes.

Les: I'm your superhero/We are standing on the edge/It's gonna be a glorious day/I feel my luck could change

(Kirk leaves the room)

Kirk: Breathe/Keep breathing/Don't lose your nerve/Breathe/Keep breathing/I can't do this alone

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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