FanPost

Hamsterdam is Afraid of Water Horses

Are you a person that is afraid of sharks? Afraid of rattlesnakes? Huge spiders or scorpions? Alligators? Lions, tigers, or bears? Well, then you are a slightly silly person. Your chances of being killed by those are very remote, a similar death rate to that of a lightning strike or choking on a nut. And it seems weird to be scared of the animal that is by far the deadliest in the world, the mosquito. I think you should instead have nightmares about the second-most deadly to humans: hippopotami. Now that is a suitably scary animal.

These tanks weigh in as the third largest land animal in the world, weighing up to 3 tons (twice the weight of your Buick). And they're mean as fuck. They are hyper-aggressive in defending their territory against boats with their huge and sharp teeth with jaws nearly as strong as a gator. And they're nearly impervious to any defense mechanism you may carry into their path. Their skin is practically bulletproof, and besides they're underwater where bullets are ineffective past a foot or so. To ward them off, Africans will literally use a grenade on a stick, which as you might imagine has some serious splashback problems even when used correctly. Lastly, they're not only in Africa and parts of Asia. There is a very large population of them in the border areas of South and Central America, originally part of a small brood brought there for an untended "zoo" by Pablo Escobar. These guys now rule the Amazon River. Forget being scared of pirahnas or anacondas, worry about the hippopotami.

01035hippo

Some minor college football game on tonight, and Utah-Utah State on Friday. Baseball also continues (booooring). Have fun Hamsterdamming, denizens. Be excellent to eachother.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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