The Long and Winded Rhoads


***VIDEO courtesy StoopsMyAss Productions***

It's been about three and half years since Iowa State was spurned into darkness by former head coach Gene Chizik, who elected to leave after two undistinguished years to a program with comparable values but far greater resources. Shortly after Chizik's brushoff, Iowa State Athletic Director Jamie Pollard found Paul Rhoads, who ironically enough, like Chizik, was a cast-off from the Auburn coaching tree, to light the way for the future of the impoverished football program.

In his fairly brief tenure as head coach so far Rhoads has managed to coach the Cyclones to some upset victories, as well as take them to a couple of bowl games, and in the process he has lifted the spirits of Clone fans, as they are affectionately called, everywhere (and, of course, by everywhere I mean in and around Ames, Iowa).

Surprisingly, or perhaps not so surprisingly, Rhoads has managed to garner some attention for himself along the way, and has even become somewhat of a YouTube sensation thanks to a bushel basket of postgame interviews and locker-room soliloquies speeches. His impassioned and affected displays of emotion with the media and his players have served to convince one and all that Paul Rhoads is a man of indefatigable vehemence and unbridled pride in his team's effort and outcomes. In fact, the degree to which Rhoads is "proud" has emerged as a recurrent thematic element in his artistic work speeches along the way. But while some of his performances have been recorded, others, sadly, have not.

Here now, BHGP's Top Ten Paul Rhoads Postgame "Proud" Quotes, as revealed by anonymous sources, that unfortunately escaped video record:

10. I am so proud to be your coach! Especially since Jaime told me the job comes with a used Aeron chair with no visible signs of wear.

9. I am so proud to be your coach! Now if you'll excuse me, I DVR'd the Seinfeld episode where Jerry wears that hilarious puffy shirt.

8. I am so proud to be your coach, the Cyclone Yell Team Leader for the second year in a row, and the new Addison Mizner Elementary School PTA Car Pool Liaison.

7. I am so proud to be your coach! Well, "proud" is a relative term.

6. I am so proud to be your coach! But your bail bondsman? Not so much.

5. I am so proud to be your coach! And, I am so proud I finally figured out how to clean Teflon. Not necessarily in that order though.

4. I am so proud to be your coach! Now, can I get a witness?

3. I am so proud to be your coach! What? I said that a few times already? Okay, then let's shower up and get the hell out of dodge.

2. I am so proud to be your coach! But then again, I am so proud of the dump I took this morning. So I guess you might want to take this whole "proud" thing with a grain of salt.

1. I am so proud to be your coach! But I'd be a helluva lot prouder if you guys would quit wearing those damn Iowa Hawkeyes T-shirts underneath your pads!

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