Jamie Pollard And The Career Opportunity

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Oh, Cy-Hawk, Cy-Hawk, love me tender, love me sweet...

Old_phone_medium BRRING BRRING

Iconronald_medium Mr. Pollard?

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Yes?

Iconronald_medium You have a caller. He says it's very important.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium A very important call? Put him through, put him through!

Iconronald_medium Yes, sir.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Hello?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Mr. Pollard? Mr. Jamie Pollard? It is a great pleasure and ah delight to speak with you, sir. My name is Chick LeFay and ah have some exciting opportunities for you, sir. Very exciting opportunities!

Happy_pollard_icon_medium I like exciting opportunities!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Excellent!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Well, first off, Mistah Pollard, let me ask you somethin': would you be interested in a-havin' Chick Fil-A take over the concession stands at your games?

Happy_pollard_icon_medium /gasp

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Would I ?! Golly gee! Mama will be so thrilled not to have to make all those loosemeats for the concession stands!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Loosemeats?

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Oh, you know, maid-rites, sloppy joes, taverns...

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Ah regret to inform you that my sophisticated Southern palate has never tasted any o' those sandwiches, sir.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Oh my, you're sure missing out! My mama makes the best gol-darn loosemeat sandwich in the world!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Ah will take your word for it, sir.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Wait... Chick-Fil-A? Chick LeFay? Is this a put-on? Is Barta behind this?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Barta? Ah am afraid ah don't know anyone named Barta, sir. And ah am as true and honest as the Southern-fried chicken sandwiches that ah love so dearly.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Do you pinky swear it?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Sir, ah swear on my sainted mother's grave that ah would not speak falsely to you.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Well, okay.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium So how soon can you get the Chick-Fil-A stands set up at Jack Trice?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Oh, real soon, sir. Real soon. Ah'll have my assistant send over the papah work after this call.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Super!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium But that's not all, Mr. Pollard, not by a country mile! Ah also have an exciting career opportunity for you, sir!

Happy_pollard_icon_medium A career opportunity?! Aw hamburgers!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Sir, ah will kindly ask you not to speak such vulgarity in mah presence.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Uh...

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Ah'm a chicken-man, sir, and ah come from a long, proud line of chicken-men, sir. And as far as ah'm concerned, there is no greater insult than the four-letter b-word and the unholy products it spawns.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Oh. Um... well... sorry about that. I, uh, didn't --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Oh, ah know, ah know. You didn't mean any disparagement by it, ah'm sure. Why, frankly it's mah own fault for bein' unfair and holding you to the same rigorous standards of manners an' polite behaviah that befits a Southern gentleman.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Sir, I'm a Midwesterner! Politeness is in my bones!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Oh, ah do apologize if ah have oh-fended you, mah good man. Ah do declare that your Yankee tongue does bedevil me somethin' fierce at times, sir.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Oh, er...

Chick_lefay_icon_medium But ah seem to have digressed from the matter at hand and for that ah do offer mah sincere apologies once again.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Um, thank you, but --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Ah wanted to discuss a most interestin' career opportunity with you, as ah recall.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Oh, jeez.. Gol-dang your timing, Mr. LeFay! This just isn't a good time for me to change jobs. I just signed a contract extension with Iowa State and I mean to honor it, sir. A Pollard always honors his commitments, that's what my family always says!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Really?

Happy_pollard_icon_medium /sheepish ... well, it's what I always say...

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Uh huh.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium And also it's Iowa week! There's nothing I love more than beating those gol-darn Iowa Hawkeyes! Well, maybe billboards. But it's real close, mister. Real gosh-darn close!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Well, ah can respect that, sir, ah most definitely can. As a propah Southern gentleman ah've known a few good an' proper blood feuds in my day.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Well, then you understand why I can't possibly accept your job offer, Mr. LeFay. I am very grateful for the offer, but there's just no way I can --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Oh ho ho, Mistah Pollard, ah do believe you have come to misundahstand me and mah offer! The career opportunity ah have for you is not something that would take the place of your current job, sir. This opportunity ah'm bringin' to you is something you would be able to do in addition to your duties as Iowa State athletic directah.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Really? Well, color me intrigued!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Ah thought you might be. Well, Mistah Pollard, let me cut straight to the chase: ah'm talkin' to you because my employers would like to invite you to be on the Selection Committee for the 4-team football playoff that's comin' down the pipeline next year.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Hot diggity dog! That's super exciting! I'd love to do it.

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Tremendous! Simply tremendous. Ah knew you would be a great fit for this position, which is exactly what ah told my employers.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Jeez, that sure is flattering!

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Flattery is for hustlers and lotharios, sir, what ah'm speakin' is nothing less than the unvarnished truth of the mattah.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium So how did you know I would be such a perfect fit? Was it because of my role as First Vice-President of the Division 1A Athletics Directors Association?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Ah, no.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Hmm. I know, was it my accomplishments as chair of the Big 12 Athletics Directors Committee, like the tremendous television deals we negotiated and the successful addition of two new members to the conference?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Correct me if ah'm mistaken, but haven't you boys also lost four members?

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Um, well, about that --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium But, no, it wasn't that.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Oh. Maybe my sterling record of hiring coaches?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium No.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Huh. My breezy charm with the media?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium No.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium My peerless billboard management acumen?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium No.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Well, golly! You've got me stumped, Mr. LeFay! Seems like you might know me better than myself!

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Chick_lefay_icon_medium /chuckles

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Well, ah don't know about that, Mistah Pollard, but it sure is awful nice of you to say so.

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Sure, sure... so what was it?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Well, Mr. Pollard, the long and short of it is that my employers and ah were both sure you were the perfect fit because we knew there was no chance of your school, Iowa State, ever bein' a part of the playoff discussion! Not in a million years! So we could count on you to be an impartial observah.

Iconpollard_medium ...

Iconpollard_medium That, uh, that seems a little presumptuous, Mr. LeFay. I have full faith and confidence in Coach Rhoads and he certainly has our program moving in the right direction now, so --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium That's all fine an' dandy, Mistah Pollard, but as ah understand it your boys haven't won even a share of your conference championship in one hundred years. So, no offense, but mah employers and ah felt like you would be perfect for this position. Matter of fact, we think you'd be so perfect we'd like to offer you a lifetime contract!

Iconpollard_medium Er... pardon my curiosity, sir, but who are your employers?

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Why, Messrs. Slive, Delany, Bowlsby, Scott, and the rest of the conference commissioners, of course.

Iconpollard_medium Oh. Why couldn't they offer me themselves? I mean, I talk to Bob almost every week and --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Oh, sir, you know how it is. They can't go out and do it themselves, what with those internettin' sites trackin' their flights and reporters watchin' their every move and suchlike.

Iconpollard_medium Huh. That's weird, Bob has never mentioned anything like that to me --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium Mistah Bowlsby does like to keep things close to the vest, as ah understand it.

Iconpollard_medium And you're not even offering me in-person, come to think of it. We're talking over the phone, so --

Chick_lefay_icon_medium SO NOTHING! AH DO DECLARE THAT...

Iconbarta_medium YOU'RE A GODDAMN JACKASS, POLLARD. THERE'S NO WAY DELANY AND SLIVE WOULD LET SUCH A LIMP-DICK LOSER ON THE SELECTION COMMITTEE. I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM? THEY'VE NEVER WON MORE THAN SEVEN GAMES SINCE YOU'VE BEEN THERE! YOU'RE WALKIN' INTO A HORNET'S NEST ON SATURDAY, JAMIE. WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR MANHOOD AND YOUR PRIDE... AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE BACK THE GODDAMN CY-HAWK TROPHY TOO.

Iconbarta_medium AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE... BECAUSE BLOODPUNCH SAID SO.

Iconpollard_medium /hangs up

Iconpollard_medium Plollard_medium

Iconpollard_medium dammit.

* * *

Iconbarta_medium Oh man, I can't believe he bought that one. I mean, Chick LeFay? That ridiculous accent? How gullible is that motherfucker?

Iconferentz_medium /shrugs

Iconferentz_medium /jots down note

Iconbarta_medium Kirk?

Iconferentz_medium /chews gum

Iconbarta_medium KIRK!

Iconferentz_medium /looks up

Iconferentz_medium Sorry, Gary. Kinda in game mode now. Gotta focus. Real tough opponent this weekend. Gotta prepare.

Iconbarta_medium /sigh

Iconbarta_medium Alright, alright. Just beat those goddamn sonsofbitches, will you? If we lose again, I'm gonna pistolwhip that little shitstain into a pile of gore and stupidity in the Kinnick parking lot and put that on a goddamn billboard.

Iconferentz_medium /chews gum

Iconferentz_medium /jots down note

Iconbarta_medium Fran! Get in here. I'm gonna call Hoiberg and tell him that The Wiggles want to play a free concert for him at his birthday next month

Iconbarta_medium Goddamn, I love being me.

Iconbarta_medium Iconbarta90_medium

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