I figured it out!*

*Not really. I have no real solutions for this team that haven't been discussed ad nauseum already this week.

What I did figure out is what Saturday's game reminded me of. It was the real-life version of playing my brother in NCAA Football. Hang with me here, I will explain...

My younger brother is better than me at sports games on PS3. There, I said it. He sucks at other games, but the kid is hard to beat when it comes to NCAA, Madden, The Show, etc. He just grew up with it, whereas I had to play a bit of catch-up. He's good enough that he likes to play a demeaning little game called "You pick any team, and I'll beat you with a worse team." Drive me nuts.

Here is how Saturday would have gone if it were a game between my brother and I:

Brother: "OK, pick your team. You can even be home. I'll be somebody worse."

Me: "Duh, I'm Iowa. Hawkeyes for Life! Playing at Kinnick, baby! Wooo!"

Brother: "Let's see.... Air Force? LaTech? Idaho? Nah, I'll be Central Michigan. The Chips!"

Me: "I will receive, because that's what Kirk Ferentz would do and that always works... oh wait..."

*brother wins toss, defers.

Me: "Ha! I will receive. Hang on, I've got to sub in Weism... excuse me, FB45, as the starting HB... *whistles* boy is he slow. Oh well I'M JUGGERNAUT BITCH!!!"

*I proceed to march down the field and score on the opening drive.

Me: "You are finished!"

*He proceeds to march down and score to tie it up.

Me: "Dammit, this is rigged. Why doesn't FOUR THREE AND COVER TWO work? You have all day to throw!"

*He proceeds to go ahead and stay ahead for most of the game.

Me: "What the hell? This was a lot easier on NCAA 2003. Where are all my plays? Where is that corner route to TE44 that always works? Where is that drag route for WR11 for an automatic first down? Fuck it, I'm running a bubble screen, that works..."

*Doesn't work. Loss of 2.

Me: "FFFFUuuuuuuuuu... punting is winning!"

*Finally get the lead in the fourth quarter.

Me: "Well, FB45 sure is a lot slower than Fred Russell... oops, HB2... but I guess I have to keep running the stretch play because it's in the playbook. Woo, stiff-arm, and TOUCHDOWN!!! Game is OVER!"

Brother: "I'm only down 8. There's plenty of time!"

Me: "Hmmm... no, I think not. You'll screw up, and I'll run out the clock and sneak away with a victory."

*First down pass. First down pass. First down pass. First down pass. Touchdown pass.

Me: "Goddamn it!!! This is bullshit. FOUR THREE AND COVER TWO always works. That looked like you were practicing against a JV team. This is rigged."

*He misses 2-point conversion, lines up for onsides kick.

Me: "Wait wait. How do I pick onsides kick? Where is my hands team? Who is on the field? Shiiiiitt."

*He audibles to new onsides kick.

Me: "How did you do that? What is the button? This didn't used to be this way. No fair!"

*He recovers onsides, kicks field goal, and wins.

Brother: "Told you I would win. You suck!"

Me: "But... I just didn't execute...."

Moral of the story: I have become the Playstation Kirk Ferentz. I live in the past, and I believe that the expected outcome will happen because it does happen. My brother believes that if a trick play exists or a loophole can be used, then he sure as shit better use it to win, because he's handicapped by being on the road and against a "better" opponent. This situation has happened to "us" (my brother and I) many times, and now it has happened to "us" (as Hawkeye fans) one too many times!

Jeezus, bring home Floyd or I'll punish my liver...

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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