Northwestern Signs Jaren Sina, Bill Carmody Claims You Can't See Him

Four-star New Jersey guard Jaren Sina announced yesterday that he's made a verbal commitment to play basketball at Northwestern. Sina's a 6'2" shooting guard with national top 100 ratings from ESPN and Rivals, but it wasn't those accolades Bill Carmody wanted to stress when reached today for comment.

"WOOOOOO U CAN'T C ME" said the longtime Northwestern head coach. He added, "The Champ is here!" before saluting reporters and running at full-speed to the podium.

Carmody, obviously believing he'd signed WWE wrestler John Cena, praised his new recruit's twelve world championships and commitment to young fans. "Jaren Sina is a role model for kids around the world," said Carmody. "He's also a great team player, having won four tag team championships." The twelve-year head coach then ripped off his shirt and baseball cap, threw them into the crowd, and shadow boxed for a few seconds.

Carmody indicated that the Sina commitment will change multiple aspects of the Northwestern basketball program. "I've already contacted Under Armour, and our team will be wearing jorts with our uniforms this year," he said. An aide then whispered to him that the new recruit was Jaren Sina, a skinny kid from New Jersey. Carmody responded by body slamming the assistant through the table being used by Chicago's Spanish-language television station.

Needless to say, it's a big recruiting win for Northwestern basketball. In fact, it is so big that Northwestern canceled the scheduled Fourth of July Fashion Show planned at Welsh-Ryan Arena and held an announcement party. Black Heart Gold Pants has obtained footage of the exclusive closed-door event:

BHGP also contacted Jaren Sina to ask why he chose Northwestern. "I'm a big fan of MTV," the high school shooting guard said. "I wanted to play for a basketball program where every season is finished in time for me to make Daytona Beach for spring break."

Northwestern begins its 111th season of basketball in November. Its fans read books at postseason games.

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