My hands are moving apart and coming back together, but I wasn't clapping. Mandatory Credit: Bradley Leeb-US PRESSWIRE
Tim Beckman, former Toledo head coach, current Illinois head coach, and possible Tim Brewster-in-training, took the podium during Big Ten Media Days this morning and he -- and his logic-contorting statements -- were one of the highlights of the event so far. You might recall some news stories yesterday about several Illinois coaches descending on the Penn State campus like a convergence of vultures on a fresh carcass. That struck several observers as being a bit on the shady side.
Beckman tried to clear up that budding brouhaha today:
I mean, now it makes perfect sense, right? It's the most normal thing in the world to go to State College, PA in late July, on the eve of Big Ten Media Days and the start of fall training camp, right? And I'm sure they were just calling "a few individuals" -- who just happened to be current Penn State players -- to get some recommendations for things to do and sights to see in State College, right? Move along, people, nothing to see here. I'm sure they were just there for some Peachy Paterno ice cream.
In related news, here are a few other things Tim Beckman did not do:
"My eyes were full of tears, but I wasn't crying."
"Your sister's number is in my call history, but I wasn't talking to her."
"My mouth is full, but I didn't eat your birthday cake."
"I had dinner with your mom at a fancy restaurant and brought her flowers, but we didn't go on a date."
"I'm backing out of the driveway, but I didn't steal your car."
"I was naked in bed with your wife, but I didn't sleep with her."
"Yes, I'm holding a bonesaw and soaked in blood, but I didn't kill the woman in the room next door."
Yes, I think we're going to like the Tim Beckman Era.