Dateline: Ames, Iowa
Jamie Pollard whistles a happy tune as he walks to his office at the Iowa State athletic building
(as he's walking) Hi. Hello. Jim, looking good. Kate, I like the dress. I brought doughnuts!
Pollard reaches his office
Ron, how are things? You are looking as happy as ever.
Wow, you are in the good mood. Did an Iowa player get arrested?
No, no. Have you checked the newspapers? We just pulled in over a million dollars of royalties in merchandise. People cannot seem to get enough of the Cyclones, so I'm walking on air. What could go wr-
Hello, Jamie Pollard's office... Yes, I heard... Congratulations... He is in.
Pollard shakes head vigorously
Oops he just stepped out... Where is he going? (To Pollard) Where are you going?
To the dentist.
He's going to the denti... oh you heard that? Well he was just about to leave, but he would be happy to talk to you. One second.
Sorry, he caught us.
I know that, who is it now?
It's the new Big XII commissioner Bob Bowlsby. He said he just wanted to check in.
Barta! Can't that bastard let me have one day to enjoy myself. Patch it through to my office.
Pollard enters his office
(in dour voice) Hello. This is Jamie.
Hi Jamie, this is Bob Bowlsby. How are things over in Ames?
Wonderful, just wonderful. Why are you calling me?
Well, you probably know by now that I have been named commissioner of the Big XII. So, I have been calling each of the schools and introducing myself and finding out a little more about each institution and how things are going.
And that's it? You're not going to tell me that we've been replaced by Oklahoma A&M or that due to some scheduling snafu we'll have to play every one of our games at the Astrodome?
What?! Of course not. I'm going to run a conference based around solidarity and teamwork. No team is going to get the short straw in my Big XII.
Yeah, I bet. Let me guess, for this solidarity I'm going to have to wear a suit of armor at this summer's Big XII meetings again. Do you how embarrassing that was last year? And not to mention hot. I collapsed three different times due to heat stroke.
That's ridiculous. Of course, you won't wear a suit of armor. Wait, did that actually happen? I heard rumors and I saw the YouTube video, but everybody at Stanford thought that that was just a dumb teenager dressed in armor.
No, it was me, so let's get down to the nitty gritty, make your outrageous request, make me look like a fool and then laugh at me.
I don't understand.
Give up the act, I know you are the athletic director at Iowa.
Actually, I was the athletic director. Then I went to Stanford. I figured you would know a little more about me.
You know what "Bowlsby," I was in an excellent mood until you called. We had a huge year on the merchandising front.
I heard about that. That is wonderful to hear, it shows prosperity and sustainability. Keep it up.
Wait, you heard about the merchandising?
Yes, I read it in the newspaper, congrats.
Excuse me for a moment.
Pollard puts Bowlsby on hold
(yelling) Ron, get in here!
Barta knows about the merchandise. Get all of this stuff out of here. Hand it out to the homeless, send it to Africa, burn it. I don't care just get it out. If Barta reveals that the athletic department bought over half of the merchandise, I'll be a laughingstock. Get it out!
Jamie picks up the phone again
Now where was I? Oh yeah. Let's get this over with. I have a lot of things to move, uh do, I mean do.
I don't know what you're talking about. Let's change topics: tell me what to expect from your fans.
Screw the fans! Enough is enough. You insult me right now. Tell me how dumb I am. Tell me how crappy I run this program. Send me to another made up bowl game. Tell me to mint Kevin Jackson Silver Dollars. Let me know the Sun Belt is still accepting applications. Do it! Damnit! Do it.
Jesus, you know what? You're a masochist. You need help. And no, I'm not going to do anything of the sort.
Why are you doing this? Why? Can't you just let me be? Why do you have to keep up this charade. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Pollard puts his head on his desk and sobs.
Hello? Hello? I guess we'll try this another time.
Bowlsby hangs up the phone
OK, I did it. That was one of the most disturbing experiences I've ever been a part of.
That was great.
Now we're even, right?
Like hell we are. Go get me a sparkling water.
(sighing) Yes sir.
Meanwhile in Ames, Pollard still has his head resting on his desk.
Mr. Pollard? Mr. Pollard, are you alright? We've got rid of all the merchandise, but now we have a new problem.
Halt, who dares approach the walls of Hoiberg castle. Well if it isn't Dragon Pollard. Prepareth to be slayed.