IOWA CITY, IA (AP) -- While at a press conference to discuss Iowa's controversial new Nike Pro Combat Uniforms, Kirk Ferentz dropped a bombshell on new Big XII athletic commissioner (and former University of Iowa athletic director) Bob Bowsly, accusing him of being a vampire. "That no-good jerkface stole my vitality," exclaimed Ferentz, upon being asked about his former boss being appointed the commissioner of the Big XII conference. "It's an outrage is what it is. That oily little life-thief took away all my youthful vigor. Honestly, just look at what I looked like when I came to Iowa City in 1999." (archival image below)
"Look at that dashing young stallion! I don't need to tell you that I was a handsome devil, it's all right there. The thick, dark hair. The strong cheekbones. The jaw that could crack a walnut. Those piercing eyes. I was the sexiest thing on this sideline since Evy was roaming it in a fur coat. Now just look at me."
"My hair's gone gray, my cheekbones are sagging, my jaw couldn't open a jello package, and my eyes don't look so piercing anymore, do they? And it's all Bowlsby's fault." When asked to elaborate, Ferentz noted that "We had a deal, Bowlsby and I. In return for me not exposing him as a devious and soulless creature of the night, he would leave town and take over some other program. I thought Stanford would be fine -- the world would never miss a few more hippies and it was enough of a sadsack program that he'd either get trapped there or get fired and slink away to some even sorrier program. Sure, they had a lot of success in other sports, but we all know that football is what matters, right? That's the moneymaker. For God's sake, they had Walt Harris as their coach!
"And then he hired Jim Harbaugh, which I thought was pretty funny. Ol' Bobby, making the same old mistakes again and again. Another boy wonder coach who was a stud ballplayer in college? I thought for sure he'd be another Alford! How the hell was I supposed to know that he could actually coach?"
When asked what proof he had that Bowlsby was a vampire, Ferentz was evasive. "Well, you know, it's right there in the photos! Just look at them." Several reporters noted that the change in Ferentz's physical appearance could be the result of the natural wear and tear of the aging process, as well as the increased stress brought on by the Iowa football program's many off-field travails in recent years, and numerous on-field struggles. Ferentz dismissed said theory. "Hogwash. Absolutely hogwash. Poppycock even! The inexorable march of time is nothing compared to Bob Bowlsby's youth-stealing vampire powers."
Ferentz elaborated, "Hell, just ask Hayden [Fry, former Iowa football coach] or Dr. Tom [Davis, former Iowa basketball coach]. It wasn't cancer that forced Hayden to hang up his spurs -- Bowlsby had almost bled him dry. The only way he could survive was to call it quits and move far, far away. He tried to warn me when I took the job, but I just brushed it off as one of his crazy Texas tall tales. He was full of wild yarns, like the one where he said he fought off a gang of bandits with a six-shooter, his wits, and a friendly bear. Now I wish I'd listened to him."
Informed that Bowlsby would be headquartered in Texas as Big XII Commissioner, Ferentz breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's good news anyway. He better stay down there. If Jamie Pollard [Iowa State athletic director] or Paul [Rhoads, Iowa State football coach] need to talk to him about anything, they can just go right on down to Texas and do it. I don't want that menace setting foot in Iowa ever again. And Hoiberg [Fred, Iowa State basketball coach] better watch his step. I know Bob won't be able to resist his youthful charm and babyfaced good looks. When those start to fade away and Hoiberg looks gaunt and withered, just remember who told you so."
Bob Bowlsby could not be reached for comment.