backstage locker room athletic offices of Carver Hawkeye Arena
That was great and a long time coming. Seeing Billionaire Kirk getting hit with a chair over and over and over. It just gives me chills. Ain't that right, Big Sexy?
You know it, Gatens. We've been slaving away for four years on that basketball court and when we finally see some success, what is everybody talking about? Football, ooooh, two new coordinators! Big whoop, I made a backwards full court shot. Where's my parade?
Easy gents. We launched the opening salvo, but this thing's far from over. They'll come back, they're too stupid to do anything else.
I heard that they might have asked Ken O'Kee-
Mr. Barta, phone call for you. They said it's urgent.
Did they tell you who it was? And for the last time, I told you to call me Hollywood.
Sorry Mr. Hollywood. Anyway, he introduced himself as James Edward Delaney.
Jim Delaney?!! Put him through right away.
Hello, Hollywo... um Gary Barta's office, this is Gary.
Hello... this is... Jim Delaney, Big Ten commissioner... you know... James Edward Delaney... age 64... wife Catherine... children Newman and James Chancellor.
Yeah. We've met before, many times in fact. You don't have to give me your life story.
Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I'm calling because I caught wind of that hiring scandal with Brian Ferentz.
Oh there is no scandal sir. I did the hiring and thought he was the best candidate for the job.
What about his large salary? You don't see the coaches at Iowa State earn that kind of money.
(pausing) Yes... yes. Iowa State... That's true. But unlike those idiots in Ames, our coaches tend to have a pedigree. Ferentz has been the tight ends coach for the Patriots. And as you probably know, they've had some pretty good tight ends. So we felt the need to compensate him fairly for the experience he has the next level.
That sounds fair, but you should really be nicer to your brethren at Iowa State, I don't want to ruin any inroads for expansion.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. All the times that I've portrayed you Delaney, I knew you had a wicked sense of humor.
Yeah, every once in a while I pretend that I am you and call up that idiot Jamie Pollard and offer Iowa State a chance to join the Big Ten and all I ask for in return is a favor.
I mean I've gotten three cars, my own trailer, tickets to the NCAA tournament even my own line of currency known as Delaney Dimes.
WHAT?!! Do you know how many tries it took to make those stupid di- I mean how dare you pretend to be me and use my likeness to score free gifts! I am the commissioner of the Big Ten, show me some respect.
Sorry, sir. I've overstepped my bounds.
Darn right you have. Now, let's get back to the hiring of Brian Ferentz. Are you trying to tell me that Coach Fere... (yelling off phone) Hey put that down! *crash* Alright, that's it, no playing ball in the office. I'm taking this. No, that's not fair! That's not fair! That's not fair! That's not fair! Don't throw a tantrum, you'll make a scene. Don't you have recruiting to do or something? (back on phone) Anyways, where was I? Oh year, you're telling me that Coach...
I don't mean to cut you off, but were you just talking to your son.
... uh... yes, yes I was. He's a character.
I know, I've met both of your sons. Don't you think they're a little old to be playing ball inside the office?
(frantically flipping through papers) Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oooh, here we go - Newman and James, ages 23 and 20. *sigh* yeah they're a little old, but you know how college kids are.
Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, Jim. I'm kind of having a pow wow with the mens basketball team right now. So I'll talk to you later. I'll tell you again, the Ferentz hire was perfectly legal and standard and you have nothing to worry about. Sometime we'll have to hit the golf course.
(In a panic) Wait... wait... before you go. Ummm... let's see... is your refrigerator running?
I don't really have a refrigerator in my office, but at home, sure it's running.
Then you better go catch it! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You idiot! April Fools!
Ooooooooooh, you got me. I fell for it. By the way, Jamie, April Fools Day was Sunday. I've got much bigger fish to fry.
Barta hangs up
(hits buzzer) Secretary? What day is it?
It's Wednesday sir. April 4th.
Oh God, I was supposed to meet with the regents on Monday.
And what is with the goddamn siren?
Coach Hoiberg tried to swallow a Delaney Dime again, but good news: it was dislodged.