I don't get it.
Sir, the monitors are showing that Notre Dame and Michigan have already launched preemptive attacks against the two skill position players in the state that are worth a damn.
Ohio State and Penn State have locked down the Northeast corridor and are using that as a base for attacking our foothold in the mid-Atlantic.
And we probably lost another halfback since I started this monologue.
We need to do something drastic, sir. We need to strike back before we're obliterated.
Greg, where's the offense?
As ready as a cow turd in a west Texas barnfield, Mack!
Stand by, then, and prepare to launch the new playbook.
Sir! Up there! It's James! And he's got Ken O'Keefe!
I don't know what you think you can do here, Ken.
Soup! Good to see your wife still picks out your ties.
You left like five weeks ago.
What has this kid been telling you?
How far has he gone?
How far has who gone?
It's a bluff, Soup. Call it off.
No it's not.
Yes it is. This is...COACH FERENTZ, IT'S KEN O'KEEFE
Ken, you picked one hell of a day for a visit. I've got half the damn basketball team trying to kick my ass and the rest of the Big Ten pouncing on my carcass.
Coach, I don't know about the basketball team, but as for the conference, what you see up here is a fantasy, a computer enhanced hallucination.
I don't understand.
When I coached here, I built a playcalling machine and put it in the basement. It's disguised as a coffee machine.
I know that machine. I made it quarterbacks coach for a while. Turned out it wanted to run the spread, so that was the end of that.
/throws out four-wide play scribbled on napkin
Well, that machine has become self-aware, and it's feeding you this information so that you will --
Is this Twitter?
I beg your pardon?
Is this the Twitter? Because I sure do hate that damn contraption.
No, Coach, this is not the...please, come with me.
/go to basement
See, this is the machine, and it's trying to crack my seven-digit code so that it can launch my old playbook without coach or coordinator interference.
That's six of the letters. When it finds the seventh, it will launch the plays.
What kind of plays are we talking about here, Ken?
Plays that have never been seen, Coach. The sort of plays that could...end football as we know it.
Well, how do we stop it?
We can't now. It's too late.
Can't we just unplug the damn thing?
There's a reason why I put it in a coffee machine. The internal heating mechanism can run it for at least four hours, five if you don't mind a delay of game penalty or two. That's more than enough time to execute the playbook.
Well, how much time do we have before it finds the final number?
TO BE CONTINUED (probably in two hours, because
that's just a bit too on the nose, you know?)...