FanPost

The Sewer City Saviour: A Marchifornication Redux

I should mention that this is not an official Marchifornication post. This is simply the insanity that Marchifornication will inspire. Many gratitudes and apologies to the BHGP Braintrust, and HFMR, et al.

Photobucket

He sits alone, in his own dark corner of the restaurant, pawing like a fox through the last of his desserts. His plump cheeks accented by a small mouth, ringed in chocolate pudding. He wonders aloud, as he replays events over and over in his mind, trying to figure out how everything turned so quickly:

"What happened?"
"Why Dinosaur Racecars?"
"Why first round?"
"HOW THE FUCK WAS I A FOUR SEED!?"

/calls for check

"They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed."

/chuckles

As he waits he notices a member of the kitchen staff, wearing an apron with a grease stain in the shape of Barry Collier, talking with several others. He watches as each chef slowly passes the note like it was on slow-fire, before slowly, but ultimately rushing it to the stained cook to make a last-second move to deliver the crumpled message. He winds his way to the dimly lit stack of plates in the darkened corner booth and leaves the palm-sweat soiled missive, quickly hidden, turning to return to his culinary duties a split-second before the check arrives.

After paying the tab the mysterious man unfolds the strange correspondance to investigate and finds the words he'd been looking for, written in handwriting that looked like it came from someone with two right brain hemispheres and no left.

I matched you up against Dinosaur Racecars and I did it for a reason. Meet me outside the foodcourt. Come alone.

Photobucket

Photobucket /approaches darkened figure in mall parking lot


Photobucket

Photobucket Thank you for contacting me. I just want to understand why you would set me up to fail. I mean, I had no shot against velociraptors driving racecars. All I've got is the Pick N'Popsickle, and that's nothing when up against dinosaur motorsports. Why wHOLY SHALLOW HAL, I'M SKINNY!

Photobucket Timeout.

Photobucket What?

Photobucket Don't get too distracted. I'll call two more timeouts in the first seven minutes of this conversation, and then I'll rub my temples the rest of the time.

Photobucket Coach?!


Photobucket

Photobucket Timeout.

Photobucket But you just took a timeout.

Photobucket I couldn't manage proper execution of my next comment, so I had to burn another one.

Photobucket Damn.

Photobucket Photobucket

Photobucket So why DID you do it? What motivated you to throw away my chances to be a Marchifornication Champion?

Photobucket /stiffles laughter

Photobucket And why are we standing in fire?

Photobucket You probably won't understand right away, but I'm from the future. I had to come back to change your course in life.

Photobucket That's even creepier than the way the Sioux City Journal writes about me. But why me?

Photobucket Nevermind the why. You've got a future much brighter than you could have ever imagined, but you've got to listen to me. You're the only human to have ever been sanctioned to race in an IDRI contest, due to your arms being absurdly short even by T-Rex standards.

Photobucket

(Remembrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?)

Photobucket And though you didn't win, you did well enough...

Photobucket If you ain't first, yer last.

Photobucket ...well enough that they never allowed any other human racers to compete, condemning us all to a fiery... uh, I mean if only you'd have won they would have had to allow other humans to participate. You'd have been like Tiger Woods.

Photobucket I'm confused.

Photobucket Have you seen Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure? Or maybe the Lost In Space movie co-starring Matt LeBlanc as charismatic but conflicted Major Don West?

Photobucket Uh, I watch a lot of Food Network.

Photobucket I've come back in time to alter your path.

Photobucket /thinks about soft-serve

Photobucket You will be the greatest Dinosaur Racer that has ever lived.

Photobucket But I'm not a...

Photobucket Timeout.

Photobucket /touches shoulders to indicate 30 second timeout

Photobucket You're registered with the IDRI as a Cougillsaurus Rex, and that's how you drove last time. They didn't check that stuff back then. Those were the days. They do now of course, but you've already been sanctioned, so you're Grandfathered in.

Photobucket So...

Photobucket Your reflexes and instinct are superior to your dino-counterparts, so you'll just need to practice to become a skilled enough racer after the surgery.

Photobucket Oh cool. You really think I'm good enough to be the best Coach? That's awesom...

Photobucket After the surgery, yes I think you'll be the best.

Photobucket Wait, that's the second time you said ''surgery." The first time I thought you just had a speech impediment.

Photobucket Your arms are short enough, but they are not strong enough to compete with your formerly extinct counterparts. You need metal arms.

Photobucket Yeah. I've said that before.

Photobucket /doubletakes

Photobucket Metal arms.

Photobucket It will entail removing your human arms and replacing them with ultra-strong and ultra-lightweight metal replicas of your tiny appendages.

Photobucket Photobucket

Photobucket Photobucket DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Photobucket

Photobucket So what now?

Photobucket

Photobucket Now we travel through time until you've conquered all forms of racing. Until you are ready to dominate the DRL and save humankind from certain destr... er, you need to try those arms first.

Photobucket Is that safe?

Photobucket Well, some bad things can happen. Some kind of butterfly effect thing, with chaos theory and film projection or something; I don't know, I don't really understand that one Iowa actor's...

Photobucket Tom Arnold!

Photobucket ...movies.

Photobucket Let's go!

Photobucket


Photobucket


Photobucket


Photobucket


Photobucket

Photobucket Shit. My bad.

Photobucket Ziggy! Get us out of here Ziggy! SAM!! C'MON SAM!! SAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!

/resume time traveling


Photobucket


Photobucket


Photobucket


Photobucket

Photobucket Great job. You've saved the future of human kind from an out of control DRL.

Photobucket Thanks Coach. But what was going to happen to human kind anyway?

/two hours later

//Cougs scratches his head with a metal finger

Photobucket So coach, I just have one more question. How were you able to stomach looking like a loser in the eyes of the world you were trying to save?

Photobucket

FIN.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Spinner

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker