How it really went down:
You've got to get me out of here, now. The fuckface I'm attached to doesn't know it yet, but we are so done here.
I told you, I'm working on it...
But I've been a bit busy lately.
You shut your filthy Badger mouth! And tell your friend, Barry Turncloak to keep his mouth shut too. He blabs everything to the media.
Now, let me make a few calls and you can start packing your bags. Capisce?
(back in Iowa City)
I'm telling you Kirk, I know you think the longer off-season sucks balls and all, but I'm telling you, this off-season is going to be SO much fun.
Oh alright, hand me a beer and tell me what comes next.
(/phone plays "Jump Around" ringtone)
Hello, Coach Bielema's office, how may I... what? Oh dear, oh my. Yes, I'll put you right through.
State Legislature on line one Coach Bielema. They say it's about cheese.
[Broken intercom: "...Ate leg... u're O.. line... Co....ma..."]
What? Um, send it through I guess. (/soft grunting whisper) Please don't be the mother in law. Please don't be the mother in law. Please don't....
Good afternoon Coach. I'm sorry for the interruption. We try not to deliver bad news this far between meals, but you're a big man and have probably been snacking on bacon or something since half an hour after lunch while laying around in meat-crumbs and the stench of your own flatulence, and I'm afraid we just couldn't delay.
Well what is it? Is it bad? It's not my wife, is it? Oh please...
Ho ho, kinda jumpy there Coach. No, no, it's nothing that bad, but I'm afraid I have to inform you that the Wisconsin State Cheese Bureau has passed the Cheese Silence Act, and cheese curds have been banned.
We thought you'd want to know right away.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? Why couldn't it have been my wife? At least her mother would be off my back.
(/under his breath) Okay, pull it together. (/aloud) Seriously though, are you serious?
Wow. Talk about a dick punch.
That's our nickname for Barry Alvarez.
Alright, well thank you for calling. Can you patch me through to the Visitor's Bureau so I can figure out the fastest way the fuck outta here? No? (/hangs up) Secretary!
(five minutes later)
[/looks at twitter, smiling] Well, it's official. That was fast.
Holy shit. I can't believe that worked. That's all it took? That punt-faking asshole sat up there with Colonel Dickpunch Turncloak for fucking years letting everyone else do his recruiting for him, winning championships with a bastardized version of my offense, AND NO MORE SQUEAKY CHEESE WAS HIS LIMIT? What the fuck? Why the fuck didn't you do that a long time ago Barta?
Yeah, I guess I should have seen this coming after he showed me his vacation pictures.
It's gonna be a great offseason Kirk. [/turns on "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster]
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