FanPost

Calf Tatoo makes a call; Brett Bielema gets a call.

How it really went down:

Photobucket You've got to get me out of here, now. The fuckface I'm attached to doesn't know it yet, but we are so done here.

Photobucket I told you, I'm working on it...

Photobucket But I've been a bit busy lately.

Photobucket

Photobucket Mmmmm, bacon.

Photobucket You shut your filthy Badger mouth! And tell your friend, Barry Turncloak to keep his mouth shut too. He blabs everything to the media.

Photobucket Now, let me make a few calls and you can start packing your bags. Capisce?

(back in Iowa City)

Photobucket I'm telling you Kirk, I know you think the longer off-season sucks balls and all, but I'm telling you, this off-season is going to be SO much fun.

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Photobucket Oh alright, hand me a beer and tell me what comes next.

(/phone plays "Jump Around" ringtone)

Photobucket Hello, Coach Bielema's office, how may I... what? Oh dear, oh my. Yes, I'll put you right through.

Photobucket State Legislature on line one Coach Bielema. They say it's about cheese.

Photobucket [Broken intercom: "...Ate leg... u're O.. line... Co....ma..."]

Photobucket What? Um, send it through I guess. (/soft grunting whisper) Please don't be the mother in law. Please don't be the mother in law. Please don't....

Photobucket Good afternoon Coach. I'm sorry for the interruption. We try not to deliver bad news this far between meals, but you're a big man and have probably been snacking on bacon or something since half an hour after lunch while laying around in meat-crumbs and the stench of your own flatulence, and I'm afraid we just couldn't delay.

Photobucket Well what is it? Is it bad? It's not my wife, is it? Oh please...

Photobucket Ho ho, kinda jumpy there Coach. No, no, it's nothing that bad, but I'm afraid I have to inform you that the Wisconsin State Cheese Bureau has passed the Cheese Silence Act, and cheese curds have been banned.

Photobucket

Photobucket We thought you'd want to know right away.

Photobucket ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? Why couldn't it have been my wife? At least her mother would be off my back.

Photobucket (/under his breath) Okay, pull it together. (/aloud) Seriously though, are you serious?

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Photobucket Wow. Talk about a dick punch.

Photobucket That's our nickname for Barry Alvarez.

Photobucket Alright, well thank you for calling. Can you patch me through to the Visitor's Bureau so I can figure out the fastest way the fuck outta here? No? (/hangs up) Secretary!

(five minutes later)

Photobucket [/looks at twitter, smiling] Well, it's official. That was fast.

Photobucket Holy shit. I can't believe that worked. That's all it took? That punt-faking asshole sat up there with Colonel Dickpunch Turncloak for fucking years letting everyone else do his recruiting for him, winning championships with a bastardized version of my offense, AND NO MORE SQUEAKY CHEESE WAS HIS LIMIT? What the fuck? Why the fuck didn't you do that a long time ago Barta?

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Photobucket Yeah, I guess I should have seen this coming after he showed me his vacation pictures.

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Photobucket It's gonna be a great offseason Kirk. [/turns on "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster]

Photobucket GO HAWKS!

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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