Inside the Iowa football offices...
Oh hey, Greg. What's going on?
Well, Kirk, I think we need to talk.
Yeah, me too.
So you saw the news?
Yeah, of course.
Well, Kirk, it's just... they need me.
And, well, the fit here... it hasn't been perfect.
How many times did you call James "Colt"?
They both had those big ol' eyes and faces like ten-year olds.
/mutters I wish he would've thrown like McCoy...
And how many times did you call Keenan "Roy"?
How am I supposed to tell those big ol' boys apart when they keep droppin' so many balls?
Also, you kept calling our receivers slow.
Well, they are.
Well, sure, but it's rude to keep saying it.
Ah'm a Texan! Ah'm a straight-shooter. Ah calls 'em like ah sees 'em.
You kept decrying the condition of the brisket around here.
It's deplorable. Absolutely lamentable. It makes me weep just to think about it.
You changed all the terminology for the offense, which just confused everyone. "Cowboy" this and "Dry rub" that.
To be fair, Ken named everything after sea mammals. "Dolphin X90 Black" and "Blue 32 Fire Orca" don't make any more doggone sense.
And I understand your old team has your old job open again now, isn't that right?
Pretty surprising to see it come open like this, I have to say.
Rubs me the wrong way, I'm not ashamed to admit. I thought loyalty and tenure still meant something in this crazy world, but I guess not.
But, nope, everyone's on the move, looking for some greener grass here, a faster buck there.
But I get it, Greg. I really do.
I thought we could make this work, you and me. Two old cowboys gettin' together to take down some some black-hats.
Er, don't we wear black hats?
Yessir, thought we'd be two grizzled old cowboys, takin' down some ne'er-do-wells and ruffians.
But I guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?
Uh, nope. I guess not.
Sometimes that's how the ol' cake-pop crumbles, ha ha!
Don't you mean cookie?
No, cake-pops. Brian got me hooked on 'em when he got back from New England. Says Bill swears by 'em. All the goodness of a piece of cake and none of the hassle of a plate or a fork!
Well, I guess this is the end. Goodbye, Greg. Good luck with the University of Texas.
Goodby-- er, wait, what?
Well, you're going back to Austin, right? You're gonna go be Mack's offensive coordinator again.
Oh... so that's what you thought I was doing. No no no. I am going back to Texas, though.
To do what?
I'm replacing Larry Hagman, may his eyebrows rest in peace, as J.R. Ewing on the new Dallas!
/spits out cake-pop
I was originally cast in the J.R. role back in the '80s.
Here, I even have a picture --
Well, they decided to go with Hagman then, but now ol' Greg Davis is gettin' a second chance, baby!
/still very dumbfounded
Southfork, here I come! Yee-haw!
...goddammit. Gary is never gonna believe this one.
- fin -