CHICAGO- As mentioned here yesterday, Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany, announced the addition of all eight schools from the Iowa Intercollegiate Athletic Conference (IIAC) beginning in 2013 to coincide with the arrival of Maryland and Rutgers. The schools of the IIAC are the Buena Vista University Beavers, Central College Dutch, Coe College Kohawks, University of Dubuque Spartans, Loras College Duhawks, Luther College Norse, Simpson College Storm, and Wartburg College Knights. Standing next to a bewildered Chuck Yrigoyen, commissioner of the IIAC, Delany proclaimed that "The addition of these fine academic institutions to the Big Ten not only assures the future of the Big Ten, but shows just how willing I am to show I'm a megalomaniac." At which point Delany put his arm around and squeezed the IIAC commissioner, with Yrigoyen flinching and flashing a feeble smile.
"Of course," Delany continued, "some schools will have to make some changes to comply with the Big Ten's mission. Loras, Coe, you're names are too much like the Hawkeyes, besides, what the fuck is a Duhawk and a Kohawk?. Likewise Wartburg, Rutgers got the Scarlet Knights, come up with something different. You too, UD, ditch the Spartans, we don't want to make Dantonio cry. Oh, that princess loves to cry. Lastly, Central, you're now the Damn Dutch. The ACC can have Notre Dame and Notre Dame can have its Fighting Irish. The Big Ten has the Damn Dutch, now! Also, the DC and mid-Atlantic area are Dane hotbeds, a natural rival. Lot of Danes in Maryland. Now the Terps have their protected crossover. Pella get ready for the Danes and their turtles!"
Adam Rittenberg of the ESPN inquired why there was no change to the Luther Norse, as they, too were a culturally renowned ethnic group, such as the Galloping Norse or the Fidgety Norse. Delany responded by glancing at two large men standing to the side, who (later discovered to be Knuckles and Mickey) escorted Mr. Rittenberg out of the room.
Marc Morehouse of the Cedar Rapids Gazette prompted Delany on why the IIAC, why not Midwest Collegiate Conference or the Great Plains Athletic Conference? "They're all fine, fine conferences. We just wanted to go with a know quantity. Name recognition. Good, solid sounding names. Also, we wanted to keep it here in the midwest. Keep it close to HQ, here in Chicago. But I want to reiterate, the Big Ten is a decent, desirable label. No one wants to see AIB College of Business in the Big Ten. No brainer."
Morehouse continued about the surrounding states and Delany's responses. Minnesota? "Too many schools with Saint So-and-so. Plus, there's already one Big Ten school in that wasteland of tundral hell." Wisconsin? "Jesus, there's a UW in every frickin' town in that state. Couldn't keep it strait. And Alvarez is a prick." Illinois? (rolls eyes) Indiana? "Those jerks should be happy we didn't jettison Purdue and Indiana off to the Heartland Collegiate Athletic Conference years ago!"
"With the Big Ten at 22 fine schools, fans across the nation can enjoy the best amateur student athletes in the land. Be it in Madison or Waverly, Ann Arbor or Storm Lake, the Big Ten again stands out in the collegiate ranks. From the Rock Bowl to Beaver Stadium, the Big Ten, Honoring Legends, Building Leaders."
It was neither confirmed nor denied that during the press conference Delany whispered some backhanded comments to Yriogoyen regarding the Iowa Hawkeyes ability to "now finally rack up some wins." More news as it happens.
Loras College from Duhawks to Dubrewmeisters/Dubrewery Queens. In honor of Dubuque long history of brewing and rampant alcoholism. Names rejected Dupukes, Dupapists, DuI'mfromchicago(reallyI'mfromaurora), Dudrunks.
Coe College from Kohawks to Kokirkwood. Name recognition, merely name recognition, most people think Kirkwood and Coe are one in the same. Names rejected Kohoes, Kosmell?, Komobilemethlab.
Wartberg College from Knights to Knaves. Because Delany said they had to. Names rejected Squires, Pages, Mummers, the Wave. Honestly, the Wave.
University of Dubuque from Spartans to Mayday! Mayday! in honor of their flying department and the fact it still hasn't folded and is one Religious Department away from being a community college.. Names reject No, we're not Clarke, No, you must be thinking of Loras, Ca$h-money.
I caught up with Steve Brietbach, an undeclared sophomore from the University of Dubuque, outside a local "restaurant" eating a chili dog. I asked him about attending a Big Ten school and what that meant. He was "fuckin' stoked" and couldn't believe it. He was celebratory at that moment and handed me his chili dog to call a friend, "Skeets", so they could "drink some Kesslers and live it up!" "Man," Brietbach slurred,"my high school counselor in (urp) Rockford told me I'd never get no where and thank god I had a job at my old man's blacktopping. We'll (drops cigarette) screw her, cos dude, in like 5 years, I'm gonna graduate from a Big fucking Ten school with my associates. Look at me now Mrs. (in audible)! Blaaah!"
Marcs Vander Nostraan is the AD at Central, I spoke with him from his office in Pella. "This move by the IIAC is just the natural evolution in academics AND athletics in the 21st century. Unfortunately, boosters and donations are just barely getting us by in this fast changing world. Student athletes need the best, want the best. We can now provide that. And, frankly, when Jim Delany calls, well, let's just say he can be very persuasive. Cuban?" We stroll over to a construction site. "This is going to be the Roos-Delany Dutch Masters Museum. Yeah, those Dutch Masters. And over there, we're building a canal system to rival Amsterdam." Back in his office, I inquired about changing the name to 'Damn Dutch'? "Listen, we're still the Dutch. Delany wanted the rivalry, he wants his 'Fighting Irish'. I like to see it as: Damn, Dutch! You know put a positive twist on it, say it with a smile. Besides, with the staggering amount of money we're getting from this deal, I would have gone with Dumb Dutch, Double Dutch, hell, Fuck the Dutch. Shit, you have no idea the power he possesses. I just want to make sure Central and the IIAC are on the right side. You follow?" Leaving his office he points to a pair of wood clogs on a shelf, "See those, next time you see them, those fuckers will be gold plated. Big Ten. Big Time."
I spoke with Brian Jeffers, Junior Women's Studies Major at Buena Vista University. I asked him about attending a Big Ten school. "I hope we can continue to lead a some-what autonomous academic system here. I'm concerned that we'll sacrifice the academic principals that we established here over 100 years ago for the glamor and gold of the Big Ten. College is about learning, growing, improving, not just about partying, sports and those that make money from sports." Taking off his glasses, rubbing his eyes, he continued, "But I guess, in the long run, all the former IIAC school will benefit. We'll get more revenue and exposure. And exposure would be, um, amazing." When I pressed, he acknowledge that maybe now, since joining the Big Ten, Buena Vista might get more than "2 token hot girls". One who goes back to Sioux City every weekend to see her boyfriend and the other who is uber-christian and a total dick tease. And, according to Jeffers, "She totally knows it, too."
Lastly, I spoke with Luther AD, Michelle Linden, in Decorah. Here's what she had to say: "Hey Upper Iowa, you fuck knobs, we're in the Big Ten now! Suck it! 'Ohhhh look at me, I'm the Peacocks, I'm too good for the IIAC, I'm going to move up to NCAA DII, ooooo laddi-da-da!' Well we're in the Big effin' Ten now. You cockpeers, I wish I could see your pasty faces right now. Ha ha ha ha ha! Sure, we'll have to deal with Nebraska fans, but what the hell! Screw you Upper Iowa! Screw you!" Ms. Linden then got down off her desk and asked, "was there anything else, I could help you with?"
In a related story, the Big 12, not to be out done by the Big Ten, sent out feelers for it's own expansion. Credible sources state that Jamie Pollard has been chosen as Iowa point person for this inquiry. Many different presidents and AD from around the state were contacted, and none would go on record, but Thom McDonald did agree to talk about it. He's commissioner of the Iowa Community College Conference (ICCC). Mr. McDonald informed stated that Jamie Pollard was very "insistent" and "hard to get off the phone". Pollard said that "it (the Big 12) was really cool and awesome" and during meetings "(they) have the best pizza bar ever, better than Godfathers" with "two different dessert pizzas." McDonald declined his offer and feigned that his wife was calling to get off the phone.