FanPost

Candide: A Retelling (Chapter I)


Chapter I

How Candide Was Brought Up in the Hawkeye State and How He Was Expelled from the Same

In the state of Iowa in Middle Westlohlia there lived a youth, endowed by his Norwegian Mother's overbearing Nature with the most gentle character. His face was the expression of his soul, black and gold as it was. His judgement was quite honest and he was extremely simple-minded; and this was the reason, I think, that he eventually agreed to attend Luther College. Old farm hands and tractor dealers in the state suspected that he was the son of one of Gable's daughters and a decent honest wrestler from Columbus Junction, whom this young lady would never marry because he could only prove seventy-one victories, and the rest of his matches were lost, owing to deficiencies of the spine. Iowa was one of the most powerful states in Middle Westlohlia, for its residents possessed both teeth and shoes. Its Great Rest Stop was decorated with a piece of pornography. The hogs in its lots formed a pack of chops when necessary; its grooms were of both genders then; the state profligate was its Grand Trumpeter. They all called Iowa "Heaven," and laughed heartily at Missouri. The University of Iowa once fostered Tennessee Williams and Ashton Kutcher, was therefore greatly respected, and procured research dollars with an acumen which rendered it still more respected. The University's football team The Hawkeyes, under Kirk Ferentz, was wide-eyed, slow, plucky and endearing. The wrestling team performed in every respect worthy of its homeland. The blogger Puntloss was the oracle of the state, and little Candide followed his lessons with all the candor of his age and character. Puntloss expounded on athletico-theologo-hawkeyeoniology. He proved admirably that there is no effect without a cause and in this best of all possible worlds, the Hawkeyes are the best of all possible Iowa football teams. "Tis demonstrated," said he, "that things cannot be otherwise; for, since everything is made for an end, everything is necessarily for the best end. Observe that the Iowa roster is full of two star recruits; and so Iowa can only play with two star recruits. Footballs were clearly meant to be punted, and so we throw for one yard on 3rd and 8. Quarterbacks were not meant to be trusted with an offense, and so we provide them with little experience or opportunity; and as blitzes were meant to surprise us, we are surprised by blitzes all season long; consequently, those who have asserted that all is well talk nonsense; they ought to have said that all is for the best." Candide listened to the podcast attentively and believed innocently; for he thought the Hawkeyes extremely wonderful, although he was never bold enough to have declared his fandom outright. He decided that after the happiness of being born in Iowa, the second degree of happiness was to be a Hawkeye fan; the third, to see them win; and the fourth to listen to Dr. Puntloss, the greatest blogger of the state and therefore of the whole world. One year when the Hawkeyes were playing especially well, the fans observed Adrian Clayborn in the backfield, giving lessons in experimental turf science to Rich Rodriquez's waiting maid, a fairly plain and dainty brunette. The fans had a great inclination for science and watched breathlessly each week the reiterated experiments they witnessed; they observed clearly Mr. Clayborn's tumescent season, the effects and causes, and returned home very excited, pensive, filled with the desire of winning, reflecting that they might be the team's sufficient reason and the Hawkeyes theirs. One week, on the way back to the bus, Mr. Clayborn met Candide and waved; Candide also waved, and then blushed. Adrian bade him good evening; Candide replied without knowing what he was saying. Next day, when Candide left the cafeteria table and hid behind a door, he found himself removing a Hawkeye sweatshirt from his bag and pulling it over his head. The sequined TigerHawk shown with great vivacity, its eyes sparkled, his knees trembled, his mind wandered. A teacher, a former Iowa State cheerleader and current Cyclone fan, passed by the door, and, observing this cause and effect, expelled Candide from the school by kicking him in the backside frequently and hard, yelling "You cannot be a fan of the Hawkeyes if you have not attended the University of Iowa!" Candide was forced to leave the state to pursue his education and all was consternation in the noblest and most agreeable of all possible states.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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