This is a true story about Pat Fitzgerald recently purchasing a new chair.
Hello friend, welcome to Black Heart Gold Furnishings. How can I help you?
I need to buy a new chair.
Fantastic, we have many chairs that would necessitate a man of your stature. Is it for your living room, kitchen, horse-sex dungeon, dining room...?
What was that after kitchen?
Oh. No, it's for my coaches office.
Perfect, we have a variety of office chairs that I would be happy to have you sit in. Follow me.
Ok, here's the first one. I think it'll fit you perfectly.
That looks like a parking cone.
Nope, this is from our Urban Classics Collection. It's very popular.
See? Isn't that exactly what you need?
Hey, if that's not what you're looking for, I'll gladly show you some more. Yeah, let's definitely do that.
Hop up and follow me. You good, or do you need a shoehorn or something?
Nothing. OK, here's one from our Kona Collection. We get this from a distributor in Hawaii.
Um, that's a pineapple.
No, sir, that's a chair that has been cleverly disguised as a pineapple.
Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.
And this chair will give you that sensation. Bret Bielema bought a dozen of these for his summer home in Praire du Chien. Have a seat.
See? Don't you feel like you're on vacation?
Listen, I don't want you to have to settle. Let's move on. You need a plunger or anything?
Great. I'm starting to get a good idea of the kind of man you are so I think I've got something you're really going to like.
Oh, it's not what it looks like.
It looks like a fire hydrant.
Well yeah, that's what it is but you've never really lived until you've let all your cares slip away while sinking onto one of these. Just ask Bob Stoops. He has one in every room in his house.
Unnnh, yeah I'm not so sure.
Well, the one drawback is that once you sit down you're kind of there for awhile. I can see that you're more of a man on the move, so let's keep looking.
Here's something I think you may like.
I don't need a lamp.
A lamp? I don't see a lamp. I see a relaxing seat where you can draw up awesome passing plays while eating an asshole sandwich.
Eating a what?
How do I even get on it.
Take a running jump, Mr. Linebacker tough guy.
You mean chair?
If it's on backorder then why did you even have me sit on it?
Hey, who's the furniture salesman here? Not you, fuckmunch. I am. Now pull that lamp out of your ass and follow me.
I've kind of been saving this one because it really has your name on it.
I'm no expert, but it looks like a fist.
That's right, you're no expert. Now hop on.
Come on, you don't really think I'm going to sit on that, do you?
Yeah right, don't act like it's the first time. Up you go.
Back off. I can bench press like 300 pounds, so I can climb to the top of a cactus chair.
But you know what? I've got one more to show you and I think it's going to make your tiny penis explode. Unfortunately, it's not in this showroom. To get there you have to turn around and go back that way.
MANY HOURS LATER........
Oh right, I think I remember a parking cone and some fisting and....wait.....why the fuck am I in Paris?
Yep, and you're going to sit on it. Like a KING.
Don't worry, I've got it covered.
I couldn't agree more.
/launches very powerful catapult