It’s part of the college lifestyle; You hit the sauce early in the day, you fall to pieces after a few hours, but when things get really serious, you suck it up, boot, rally, and hit that bottle one more time to save the party. Sometimes you do it to save your pride. Sometimes you do it to tag a hottie. And sometimes you do it to win a road game in the BoneG. Iowa’s performance on Saturday was reminiscent of so many Iowa City F.A.C.’s. And who cares if she wasn’t as hawt as you remember the next morning…a win’s a win.
This is the part of the Hangover where I usually dump on James VandenFavre, by doing childish and annoying things like calling him VandenFavre. Now, I promise I will say nice things about him in a minute, but there a few things I need to get out of the way first. I am starting to fear that James Vanderpburrrrg might be color blind. He can seem to tell light colors from darks, because he doesn’t (often) throw it directly to the other team, but I don’t think he notices the first down markers. Sometimes I wish I could see the world through other people’s eyes, and this is one of those cases, because dude has not made under-throwing the marker a habit, he’s made it an art form. On third and eight, I have made a game of how far he's going to underthrow it. One shot for each yard shot the pass travels in the air. By the second quarter I'm puking, by the third I'm on the roof waving my bottom at passing cars, and by overtime, I was sobbing because I uncovered the memory of my cat who got ran over when I was 4.
Maybe if we tossed antlers on the first down markers, he’d start aiming for them.
I think it is about time we put Grandpa Gregg’s horizontal passing game to rest. Not because it is ridiculous and ineffective, but because it almost cost us a game. Michigan State scored their only TD because they broke up a horizontal pass. Let that sink in for just a second…we can’t pass it down field, now, we can’t even pass it across field. They like to say a horizontal pass is the same as a run, but why bother when we can run for 6 yards a carry? Maybe if we had more white, Jewish receivers, our passing game would take off.
You want a reminder how bad the BoneG is this year? This MSU team was ranked #10 less than 30 days ago. Granted, they had to face a heroic, come-from-behind charge from James Vanderpburrrrg, but this is how the best teams in the conference have turned into. The BoneG is like Cinderella after midnight, except instead of being dressed in rags and running away, we suck at football and pretend it’s the media’s fault.
I, like many people, was eager to see how Mark Weitman would look against a big boy defense. Safe to say he passed the test. Even more impressive given that the only other player on the offense who can score in the kicker. If this team had a QB, no one could stop Weitman. We could face a defense comprised entirely of Khloe Kardashians, and he would still put up 150yds.
While I can’t say enough about the defense, I feel like I can’t say anything about the defense. The job they’re doing speaks for itself. You kind of feel sorry for those guys having to carry the everyone else on their backs, though. The defense is the Hall, to the rest of the team’s Oates. They do all the work but have to share the Gold Records/Bronze Pigs. One must suspect though, whether the Central Michigan game was a fluke for the defense, or Dooshantonio was too busy trying to teach his team to fake ruptured testicles instead of coaching them to play to the level of a MAC team.
When we lose games like those above, the coach gets the blame. When we win tough games like the MSU game, the coach needs to get some credit. I don’t know what Kurt did to get that kid to be such a quality kicker, but whatever he did, he deserves a raise for it. He does not get the credit for Vanderpburrrrg’s late-game heroics though. That’s all #16.
I was asked by some guy who I can’t remember (I totally remember, I just don’t want to share credit) to award game balls to the top performers of the game. However, I think game balls should go to the guys who showed the most balls. I think I should also ridicule those who showed no balls. So, here are my Ballers and Bawlers of the week.
Ballers: Kurt Ferrets showed HUGE stones by sticking with JVB, who eventually lead us to a miraculous, comeback victory. He ignored the crowd, stats, and common sense, and stuck with his gut knowing he had a winner under center. Honorable mention to Mark Weitman, who bowled over AIRBHG, but still put it in the endzone.
Bawlers: Andrew Maxwell, it is hard to share the field with Vanderpburrrrg, and still be the most clueless QB out there. Honorable mention to Greg Castillo. Greg, when you pick that pass off, you take that junk to the house. Taking a knee is only acceptable if the bone is sticking out through the skin.
Sorry, I know I promised I would say something nice about JVB, but I have been racking my brain, and I can’t think of a thing. I guess I could tell him I look forward to see how his life after football looks. Looking really forward to that.
GhostofBTT is Iowa.
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