The First Iowa Defensive Coordinator Debate

Debate_medium

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Hello and welcome Hawk fans to the first annual University of Iowa football defensive coordinator debate sponsored by Carlos O'Kelly's home of Hawk Talk with Kirk Ferentz. Now let's meet our candidates sponsored by Advanced Auto Parts.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Phil Parker, defensive backs coach.

Philparker_icon_medium Nice to be here.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Darrell Wilson, linebackers coach

Darrell_wilson_medium Gary.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Ron Aiken.

Ron_aiken_medium It's great to be back in Iowa City.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium William Inge.

William_inge_medium How you doin' Gary?

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Chris Doyle.

Chrisdoyle_icon_medium WHO'S READY TO SWEAT?!

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Biff Poggi.

Poggi_medium You had to put me next to him?

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium And last but not least - Herky the Hawkeye.

Caherky_icon_medium It's a pleasure.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Thank you gentlemen for being here. We start with your opening statements, but first lets pause 30 seconds for station identification.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium...

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium...

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium...

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Alright. Phil, let's start with your opening statement.

Philparker_icon_medium If there is one thing that this program is built on; its stability. Do we really want to go in an entirely new direction... no offense.

Caherky_icon_medium Wait... wait... I don't mean to stop you here, but I have a question for you Phil Parker. Are you a fan of nepotism? Because this is all this is. One Parker retires and of course, another Parker needs to take his place. Gimme a break. We want someone who is not going to ride the coattails of his father, we need Herky in 2012.

Philparker_icon_medium I'm not related to Norm. At all. We only share a last name, it's mere conicidence.

Caherky_icon_medium Folks, do you really believe that?

Crowd_inside_medium NO!

Caherky_icon_medium Case closed.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Okay, let's move onto a Napa Know-How scenario. Darrell Wilson, it's 3rd down and 8 on the 40 yard line in the fourth quarter and the score is tied, what do you do?

Darrell_wilson_medium I think in that situation, we play smart. We try to get a nice push up front and we rely on our corners to pl...

Caherky_icon_medium Wrong!

Darrell_wilson_medium ...aggressively and hopefully give us the ball back.

Caherky_icon_medium Gary, can I butt in? Darrell is clueless, it's obvious we have the ball in this situation. And you know what I'd do - I'd have our quarterback throw a long bomb that would be caught for a touchdown.

Huge applause

Darrell_wilson_medium Why would the moderator ask a group of defensive coordinator candidates a question about offense?

Caherky_icon_medium Poor Darrell. Always thinking inside the box. Don't the Hawkeyes deserve a defensive coordinator, who knows what to do in all situations?

More applause

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Okay, we have a fan question.

Elvis_fan_medium Yeah, this is for Ron. How has working with Arizona helped you in case you become defensive coordinator?

Ron_aiken_medium Now that's a good ques...

Caherky_icon_medium If I could field this one. I've prepared a helpful visual aid to answer that question.

Graph_medium

Caherky_icon_medium Now in case you didn't see the chart. Arizona has not won a single game since Aiken came to town. Know what the Cardinals learned? How to lose.

Ron_aiken_medium Now wait a minute, we went to the Super Bowl three years ago.

Caherky_icon_medium Sure you did. The Cardinals in the Super Bowl? Is this the kind of crazy talk we want spouted off by our defensive coordinator?

Crowd_inside_medium NO!

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Alright. William Inge. You've kind of bounced around the college football landscape, can we reasonably expect you to stay at Iowa for a long period of time?

William_inge_medium Well, I've always called the Hawkeyes my home and it would be great to be home again.

Crowd_inside_medium Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Caherky_icon_medium I have my own question for Inge - is it true that you said and I quote: "Kirk Ferentz is a fart head?"

William_inge_medium What?! No, of course not. I didn't say that.

Crowd_inside_medium Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Angry_iowa_fan_medium

Caherky_icon_medium A fart head... I think Kirk Ferentz is the greatest coach in the greatest state in the greatest country on Earth. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Crowd_inside_medium U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Thank you Herky. We have another scenario, this one for Chris Doyle.

Caherky_icon_medium Rhabdomyolysis

Chrisdoyle_icon_medium I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I TOLD EVERYONE NEVER TO BRING THAT UP AGAIN! YOU'RE DEAD! EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM IS DEAD!

Dead silence

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Ummm moving on. Biff Poggi, you are the fath-

Caherky_icon_medium He left.

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium Okay then. Herky the Hawkeye. We finish with you. Why should you be Iowa's defensive coordinator.

Caherky_icon_medium One reason and one reason only. I am awesome and I am American unlike these guys. Look who we have up here (points) an idiot, a bozo, a jabroni, a loser, a hot head and a, well Poggi left, but you get the picture. You want them over me? I'm Herky. What more do you want? I'll put in terms anyone can understand - ‘You want your defense to rock? Make sure to pick the Hawk!' Now who's with me - U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Crowd_inside_medium U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Caherky_icon_medium Peace out!

Herky stage dives and crowd surfs

Crowd_inside_medium U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Gary_dolphin_icon_medium And I guess that's all for the University of Iowa football team defensive coordinator debate sponsored by Kum & Go. I'm Gary Dolphin so long folks.

30 minutes later

Caherky_icon_medium You were right this was easy, but why?

Iconbarta_medium It was the only way to get Kirk to look away from the program and try something different.

Caherky_icon_medium So I'm a shoo-in?

Iconbarta_medium Nah. Kirk will still pick somebody in-house and just weather the storm, but you know what, I'll put in a good word for you, we need you on this staff.

Herky takes off head

Iconreman_medium No. America does.

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