Kirk Ferentz Interviews Potential Defensive Coordinators
by RossWB on Jan 20, 2012 7:00 AM CST
in Batshit Insanity
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PrintInside the Jacobsen Athletic Building, in the Iowa Football Offices...
Good morning, Coach Ferentz.
Um, so why's Ken here? What does he know about defense?
He insisted on tagging along. The Wiggles was a rerun today.
Whatever. Let's just get these interviews over with. Who's up first?
Phil --
Collins?
/exasperated sigh
No, not Phil Collins.
SU-SU-SUSSUDIO
Shut up, Ken.
No, Phil Parker's up first.
/sighs
Do we have to interview him? I mean, he's been on staff since day one, Kirk. He's like a warm, fuzzy blanket. Mmm... fuzzy.
Yeah, okay. Secretary? Tell Phil to go take Miller into the film room and send in the next candidate
HOW'S IT HANGING, SLAPNUTS
Uh, hello.
SO I'M HERE TO INTERVIEW FOR THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR GIG
You seem familiar...
... SERIOUSLY? I WAS THE HEAD COACH AT ARIZONA. WE PLAYED YOU GUYS IN '09 AND '10.
Oh, right. How's that working out for you?
... WHAT?
/raises eyebrow
/chews gum
I GOT FIRED HALFWAY THROUGH THIS SEASON WHEN WE STARTED OUT 1-5. WE PLAYED FOUR STRAIGHT TEAMS IN THE CURRENT TOP TEN.
Oh. That's a tough break.
UH...
But that's football for you.
...
FUCK YOU, I'M OUT. I'M GONNA GO COACH WITH BOB.
/shrugs
Secretary, send in the next candidate.
Hey, Kirk.
Hey, Dave, how's it going? Missed you at the Pitt game this year.
/has a sad
Yeah, well, it didn't work out so well for me there. They fired me last year.
Right, right. Tough break.
/still sad
/strokes mustache for comfort
So what have you been up to?
Coaching linebackers for the Bills.
How's that been going?
Oh, okay. Kinda think I'd like to get back into college coaching, though.
Mm-hmm.
Heard you got an opening at defensive coordinator.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, I was just thinking... I was in the NFL, you were in the NFL. I need a new job, you have an opening... Well...
Tell me one thing, Dave.
Anything, Kirk.
What's the secret behind your mustache? How did you grow such a majestic, lustrous lip tickler?
/gets a pained expression
Kirk... you know I can't tell you that. The Brotherhood would hunt me down like a rabid dog if I spilled our secrets.
The Brotherhood?
The HFMG! The Holy Fraternity of Mustachioed Gentlemen! We're sworn to secrecy. I can't speak about my mustache to anyone who's not at least a ninth-level cleric.
/shrugs
If they found out I told you, they'd send their top agents after me! The Brusher, The Clipper, and (shudders) The Scissors.
/snickers
The Scissors?
Don't laugh! I was there when he came for Brewster. He used to have quite a mustache, but then he got some loose lips. Since that day the Scissors came to visit him, he's never been able to grow a mustache again.
/snorts
Well, those are the terms. The secrets of your mustache or no job.
I-- I can't.
I guess that's that then, Dave. Enjoy Buffalo.
/has a sad
/walks out
Next!
WIN FIGHT TRY
Oh hell.
DEFEND STOP TACKLE
Tim, have you ever even coached defense in your life?
NO NEGATIVE NOPE
So what makes you think you're even qualified to be a defensive coordinator?
EAGLES CASTILLO HOPE
Andy Reid and I may not be able to clock manage our way out of a paper bag, but even I'm not that dumb.
/sighs
/exits
Next!
Howdy!
Um, you look familiar.
Yeah, I'm looking for my brother Ron, you seen him?
Ron... Zook?
The one and only! My name's Bobert Zook and I miss him terribly. I've been real worried about him ever since Illinois let him go last month, too.
A sad, sad day.
/shakes head mournfully
So have you seen him?
Uh, no... although I am looking for a new defensive coordinator. Say, do you happen to know much about running a 4-3 defense that uses primarily quarters coverage?
No, sir, can't say as I do. Ol' Ronnie got all the football knowledge in the Zook family.
Hmm. How about recruiting? You have any of Ron's old recruiting hook-ups?
Nope! I was never much into coaching, like Ronnie. I was a free spirit, just driftin' from town to town, playin' my git-fiddle for a cup a' joe and a hot sandwich.
/blank stare
Yep, just me, my git-fiddle Bessie, and the open road. That's all I ever needed. Well, I best get back to lookin' for Ronnie. Thanks for your time, mister!
Uh... yeah.
/leaves
Well, that was weird.
I'm glad he's gone. He smelled like dirty underwear!
Shut up, Ken.
Next!
Why hello there, my name is Bim Brewster and I'm interested in the defensive coordinator position on your football team.
Really, Tim?
Tim? My name is Bim. You must be confusing me with some other rougishly handsome, stunningly qualified young coach. Haha! It's okay, it happens all the time.
No, you're Tim Brewster. You were just here a minute ago. Except now you're wearing a really stupid disguises. Also, you're neither handsome nor qualified.
Those are hurtful accusations.
No, they're statements of fact.
Handsomeness is a matter of opinion!
My mama always said it was the God's honest truth that I was the most handsomest boy in school.
/rolls eyes
Thanks, Ken. Want a coloring book?
Yay, colors!
I think you need to leave, Tim.
As I said, sir, my name is Bim, and I have a tremendous record of defensive accomplishments, staring with GO FIGHT TRY -- nuts.
Seriously, Tim, this is getting really embarrassing now. It's time to go.
RETURN AGAIN RESURRECT
/walks out
Next!
Hey, Kirk.
Mark Farley?
Yessir.
You want to be defensive coordinator here?
Yessir.
But you're already a head coach. I thought you had a pretty good thing going up at UNI.
Yeah, it's pretty good. Been thinking I'd like to get back into the big time, though.
Uh huh.
Let's talk scheme, coach. You still want to run a 4-3 defense?
Yep.
Lots of cover-two?
Pretty much.
Bend but don't break?
You got it.
Great! You got a playbook I could borrow? You know, just to familiarize myself with the schemes?
Uh, I didn't even hire you yet.
Sure, sure. I just want to make sure we're on the same page, that I'm reading your signals right.
Don't we play UNI this year?
Do you? Why, I can't remember.
...
Next!
Be seein' you in September, coach! Ha ha!
/struts out
The nerve of that guy...
Next!
Hi.
Uh, hi. And who are you?
I'm Scottie Johnson. I heard you need a defense coach.
Um.
/pulls out lined notebook paper, clears throat
There are many factors that go into being a defensive coordinator. Defense is what you do when you don't have the ball and the other team has the ball.
/nods energetically
The defense tries to stop the offense from scoring points. Sometimes the defense even scores points themselves. That happens if they get a turnover.
I hate those!
A turnover is when the defense takes the ball away from the offense. If the offense player drops the ball, you can pick it up. That's called a fumble. The defense player can also catch the ball when the offense quarterback throws it. That's called a interception.
Those are the worst!
Shut up, Ken.
Sometimes the defense doesn't get a turnover, though. Sometimes the defense makes the other team kick the ball. That's called a punt. My daddy says you punt too much, Coach Ferentz.
/giggles
Does he now?
Yep. Then he makes me get him another beer.
Uh, how old are you?
I'm in sixth grade.
Uh huh. I think you might be a little young for this position, son. But, uh, thank you for your interest. Would you like a signed football?
Sure!
/signs football
Here you go. Next!
Um, there's no one else left, Coach Ferentz.
...crap.
/chews gum
/checks notepad
Oh hell, just tell Phil the job is his already.
- fin -
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WATCH OUT FOR KIN CORN KARN, STAR MAN!
(Sorry, I love that game. A winner is you.)
BACK BRAIN KICK!
"Gophers are filthy digging rats"
-one of HFMR's many amazing tags
"It's Northwestern," he explained. "A smart school."
-TMart on jNW reading signals
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 21, 2012 9:27 AM CST up reply actions
Enjoy Buffalo
That’s funny. I’ve been to Buffalo, they’ve got Niagra Falls, a big outlet mall and ummm…. uhhhh…. let’s see…… I’ll have to get back to you later.
I used to install computer networks and software. The place I went in Buffalo had a guy who was a real high level big shot in the New York Republican party. (don’t panic) He knew the Bushes really well and would go hunting with them. So one year, he’s out with Sr. and Jr., some secret service guys and a few others and one of the Secret Service guys gets seperated from the group and cornered by a bear.
Well, you don’t just shoot a bear. Unless you get lucky and kill it instantly with the first shot, you’re just going to piss it off and it will kill you with teeth and claw. Also Usain Bolt can’t outrun a bear, so neither can you.
The agent decides that the best thing to do is play dead. The bear comes over to investigate, sniffing and poking and whatever bears do. The rest of the group can see this happening and a number of Secret Service snipers have their sights on the bear, but they don’t dare shoot (see above). Finally the bear decides the “dead” guy is really dead and walks away. Right after pissing on his head.
Bush Jr. about split a gut laughing and you know how he liked to give people nicknames? Well, that agent became known as pisshead.
"If you need a rah-rah speech at halftime, you’re playing the wrong sport." - Pat Angerer
Politics aside
What would Karl Rove had to have done to earn the nickname “Turdblossom”?
Executive Producer - WRNL TV
I know the answer that is generally believed to be true
and it’s a compliment. It goes a little over the political red line for BHGP, but Google knows……
"If you need a rah-rah speech at halftime, you’re playing the wrong sport." - Pat Angerer
It always meant "a fart" when I'd heard it in the past.
"Gophers are filthy digging rats"
-one of HFMR's many amazing tags
"It's Northwestern," he explained. "A smart school."
-TMart on jNW reading signals
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 21, 2012 9:35 AM CST up reply actions
What else does Buffalo have?
I’ve been told the answer is snow.
"'Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, 'If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." - Lewis Caroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass
by chitownhawkeye on Jan 20, 2012 12:19 PM CST up reply actions
A Dave and Busters and Applebees
at least according to Marshawn Lynch… that was one of my favorite Mayne Event episodes.
by Bust my McNuttz on Jan 20, 2012 12:27 PM CST up reply actions
Good hot wings?
AAA Baseball?
An NHL team?
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Jan 20, 2012 1:27 PM CST up reply actions
I think you mean
EAGLES CASTILLO OH SHIT
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Jan 20, 2012 1:28 PM CST up reply actions
Except that they were actually playing well toward the end of the year
"There are few things graven in stone, except that you have to squat or you're a pussy." -Mark Rippetoe
Congrats.
They played well after going 4-8.
They gave up 30+ points 5 times.
Kind of like saying: “He raced really well after he was down 18 laps.”
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Jan 20, 2012 2:20 PM CST up reply actions
Works for Danica Patrick.
"I’m not going to comment on anything beyond where I’ve been so far." - Gary Barta
by SomeJerkPoster on Jan 20, 2012 2:49 PM CST up reply actions 6 recs
Winner
"He lowballed us and said: 'Take it or leave it. If you don't take our offer, you are rolling the dice.' I said: 'Consider them rolled.' " - Jim "Huge Brass Balls" Delaney
by ClaybornSmash on Jan 20, 2012 3:59 PM CST up reply actions
Bravo.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Jan 20, 2012 4:24 PM CST up reply actions
What's so depressing about KOK is not so much that he likes watching "The Wiggles"
It’s that his favorite Wiggle is Anthony.
by DrHenryKillinger on Jan 20, 2012 9:29 AM CST reply actions 2 recs
I had him pegged as more of a Backyardigans type myself.
by Norm Parker's Amputated Toes on Jan 20, 2012 10:30 AM CST up reply actions
Little Einsteins is far to high brow
"40 MINUTES OF MEH!" - djwoody
by The Bacon Explosion on Jan 20, 2012 12:34 PM CST up reply actions
Dinosaur Train is just a lunch pail kind of show.
It entertains the right way. The Iowa way.
"Gophers are filthy digging rats"
-one of HFMR's many amazing tags
"It's Northwestern," he explained. "A smart school."
-TMart on jNW reading signals
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 21, 2012 9:38 AM CST up reply actions
You might want to look out that window, Scottie?
Son, this is what happens WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!
"Gophers are filthy digging rats"
-one of HFMR's many amazing tags
"It's Northwestern," he explained. "A smart school."
-TMart on jNW reading signals
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 21, 2012 9:42 AM CST up reply actions
don't know where that ? came from
"Gophers are filthy digging rats"
-one of HFMR's many amazing tags
"It's Northwestern," he explained. "A smart school."
-TMart on jNW reading signals
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 21, 2012 9:43 AM CST up reply actions
I miss Bobert!
I’m telling you, man. O’Keefe loves Van Halen.
"I’m not going to comment on anything beyond where I’ve been so far." - Gary Barta
Bobert misses his Nose.
"Gophers are filthy digging rats"
-one of HFMR's many amazing tags
"It's Northwestern," he explained. "A smart school."
-TMart on jNW reading signals
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 21, 2012 9:45 AM CST up reply actions
Roll Tide Teabagging !
Brian Downing, 32, of Smiths Station, Ala., was booked on charges of sexual battery and obscenity. He was videotaped Jan. 9 “placing his genitals on an LSU fan’s face. The LSU fan appears to be heavily inebriated and practically unconscious,” a police statement said.
by Herky on Jan 20, 2012 9:48 AM CST reply actions 4 recs
I have a very similar story...
When I was in AIT in the Army, we had this platoon leader that we couldn’t stand. He was a snotty little douche, and we all hated him. One Monday, he calls us all into the hallway, and tells us that regardless of what happened with Bravo Battery, we weren’t to retaliate. He was man enough to ignore what happened and move on. We had no idea what he was talking about, so we went across the way to see what the Bravo guys had to say about it. Turns out, he was drinking with a bunch of those guys in a hotel over the weekend and passed out. Two or three guys put their beef tubes on his face and took pictures.
The funniest part of it was that he thought we would be mad.
by fastfred on Jan 20, 2012 10:22 AM CST up reply actions 1 recs
HFMG =
Hayden Fry’s Mustache Guild?
TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET -@DanBeebe
by The Nihilist on Jan 20, 2012 10:13 AM CST reply actions 14 recs
You don't have to believe me, but that was my first reaction to HFMG as well.
It’s almost like he wanted us to think that.
"I’m not going to comment on anything beyond where I’ve been so far." - Gary Barta
by SomeJerkPoster on Jan 20, 2012 10:54 AM CST up reply actions
I believe you, I think we've seen
HFMR too many times here to NOT think that
TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET -@DanBeebe
by The Nihilist on Jan 20, 2012 11:04 AM CST up reply actions
FWIW, Hayden won the Bryant Lifetime Achievement Award Last Night
Former Iowa coach Hayden Fry was the ceremony’s other honoree, receiving the Bryant Lifetime Achievement Award given by the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association.
"Woody Orne with the one-handed grab!"
by One_ill_KevinJ on Jan 20, 2012 10:14 AM CST reply actions
I love that man.
I do, I do, I do.
"I mean, are they going to poop their pants or are they going to get tough?" ~Tom Brands
by Hawkeyegirl on Jan 20, 2012 12:17 PM CST up reply actions
Oh, me too!
So very much.
The University of Iowa: the best 6 years of my life. My parents are very proud.
by HawkeyeGirleye on Jan 20, 2012 5:47 PM CST up reply actions
Raises eyebrow/chews gum.
Simple, spot on, hilarious.
"I mean, are they going to poop their pants or are they going to get tough?" ~Tom Brands
I chuckled every time KOK said or did something
But then PLAY4BREW walked in and I lost it.
…I miss him.
TIMMAH!
The Zooker, Bill Lynch and his gum – great coaches who’s time was cut far to short in the Big Ten.
"40 MINUTES OF MEH!" - djwoody
by The Bacon Explosion on Jan 20, 2012 12:38 PM CST up reply actions
KOK and Coach Baby need to have a playdate
It would get KOK out of Kirk’s hair for a bit so he can get some stuff done like hiring a DC, recruiting, signing scholarship releases, and so on.
Proud Husband, Father, and PESSIMIST
Non sequitur
What does it mean when ESPN/Rittenberg cites AIRBHG? Is the world ending or just beginning? Did worlds just collide but no one felt it? Will there be a black and white cookie incident?
Okay. Carry on.
"I mean, are they going to poop their pants or are they going to get tough?" ~Tom Brands
I think he's a reader.
He’s cited and linked to BHGP a number of times.
"West Texas seems to be full of fake boobs providing a comfortable shade for well-developed pot bellies" - Lycurgus (06/24/2011)
by BStylin Hawkye on Jan 20, 2012 12:36 PM CST up reply actions
Oh I'm sure he's a reader, it's just weird to see it in the mainstream.
"I mean, are they going to poop their pants or are they going to get tough?" ~Tom Brands
by Hawkeyegirl on Jan 20, 2012 12:38 PM CST up reply actions
WE'RE TAKIN' OVER
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
by RossWB on Jan 20, 2012 12:41 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
AIRBHG is takin' over
We’re just along for the ride
"40 MINUTES OF MEH!" - djwoody
by The Bacon Explosion on Jan 20, 2012 1:00 PM CST up reply actions
Did you mean to say,
“WE’RE TAKIN’ OVER, BITCHES!”?
No? Okay. Just checking.
"I mean, are they going to poop their pants or are they going to get tough?" ~Tom Brands
Fuck Michigan
Her noblesse exceeded her oblige
by OhioHawk on Jan 20, 2012 1:11 PM CST up reply actions 5 recs
That's never a non sequitur.
And it’s always appropriate.
"I mean, are they going to poop their pants or are they going to get tough?" ~Tom Brands
HIDE YO KIDS HIDE YO WIFE
"Woody Orne with the one-handed grab!"
by One_ill_KevinJ on Jan 20, 2012 2:10 PM CST up reply actions
for a second there
I thought Mark Farley was Sloth from the Goonies. Good stuff, Ross. Rec you very much.
This
/speeds away in ORV w/ bullet holes.
E pluribus Iowa
by Subtle Hustle on Jan 20, 2012 2:04 PM CST up reply actions
Phil
isn’t getting the job…….
"Florida! You don't go to Florida in the winter, you go in the summer!" -Tom Brands
by David Starbuck Petersen on Jan 20, 2012 8:25 PM CST reply actions
Who is?
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Jan 20, 2012 9:36 PM CST up reply actions
according to some blog posting...
not phil.
But it’s never trustworthy until we get three.
by iowabeakster on Jan 20, 2012 10:11 PM CST up reply actions
Link?
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Jan 20, 2012 11:31 PM CST up reply actions
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