Really Looking Forward To The Picks, You Guys
Things went swimmingly last week! Not only did I get to taste the Bold Flavors of success with a winning bet on Boise and my futures looking excellent but I also got to lose (fucking Les Miles*) which is just as important. Being right is easy. I'm always right and that poses no challenges. Maybe that's why I decided to start gambling again. I want to be wrong. I want to be challenged. I want to look death in the eye and laugh. You're never more alive than when you're watching the last 12 seconds of a game and you know if the Saints score you lose money that you've already spent in your head. THERE'S $19 AT STAKE HERE I AM A GOLDEN GOD!
To the bets!
* I didn't actually fuck Les Miles but I bet he'd be a devious and thirsty lover. Can you imagine?
This is a college site but I readily admit I like the NFL just as much if not more than college football. This angers the mouth breathers [shoots eyes balefully toward the deep south] but I don't see why it's such a big deal. It's like saying I like pizza better than tacos. They're both great. Eat what you want. So I spent about 60 hours looking at NFL futures and props in the past week. These are your can't miss bets.
Total Wins: Cincinnati Bengals
Over 5 1/2 +135
Under 5 1/2 -165
The Bengals lost Carson Palmer, Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, and, their best player, Johnathan Joseph. They drafted Andy Dalton. Has a ginger ever been good at anything? Have you seen him in his orange helmet? This team is an abortion (the good kind!). Look at their schedule and tell me they're winning more than 4 games. This is money. I say put a Harmon on the Under and you'll join an exclusive club of those who genuinely care about the Bengals.
Total Wins: Detroit Lions
Over 8 -145
Under 8 +115
They have Suh! They're the best! But they're not. If you have to talk yourself into a team by saying "if he stays healthy" then you're in trouble. This team has that tag on their 3 core offensive players. If you look at their schedule you won't find more than 7 wins and that's IF they stay healthy. They won't. Also, it's the Lions. If you'd've bet money at +115 on the Under for the Lions winning 8 games every year for the past 30 years you'd be reading this from the penthouse suite of your yacht on Lake Michigan.
Total Wins: Pittsburgh Steelers
Over 10 1/2 -135
Under 10 1/2 +105
They went 12-4 last year with games prominently featuring Charlie Batch, they play the Bengals twice, and the Ravens are old. Ben Roethlisberger may have his faults** but the guy's got Mike Wallace (no relation), Antonio Brown, and Emmanuel Sanders to throw it to. I hear their defense is good too. Put a pierogi (for all my yinzers in the house) the Over.
2001 NFL Regular Season Passing Yards
Drew Brees 5/1
Philip Rivers 11/2
Aaron Rodgers 6/1
Tom Brady 13/2
Sam Bradford 18/1
The obvious choice here is Sam Bradford. I first saw this number at 30/1 and I wisely waited til it went down to 18/1 before I bet on it. He's going to throw the ball 700 times this year in the NFC West. That's how magic happens. Also, you put a chunk on this and you'll be able to buy yourself a Wave Runner this January and try to be friends with me.
(I liked ALL of these lines better on Monday but I waited til today so that both of my readers would have up to the minute info)
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-1)
The Steelers are getting a point and you're getting +100. This is pretty pretty pretty good. After a few weeks of camp the Ravens brought in 400 lb pussy hound Bryant McKinnie to tighten up the line. Good call. I like the Steelers to win this by a TD and put the Ravens in a hole that they'll never climb out of.
New England @ Miami (+7)
Quick recap of the Miami offseason. They unsuccessfully tried to replace their coach. They replaced Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams with Daniel Thomas and Reggie Bush. That worked so well they signed, released, and resigned Larry Johnson. Brandon Marshall is on "new" medication. That's never good. Also, one of the team owners got busted having an affair with a married lesbian scientologist. The Patriots on the other hand just don't give a fuck. Take the Pats and watch them drop 50 on the Fins.
Iowa @ Iowa State (+6 1/2)
Over 43 -110
Under 43 -110
O RLY? When I looked at the numbers from the Iowa State game (because that's all you could do, no film was available) I figured this line would be around 19. I heard it opened at 9. Now it's 6 1/2. To me, this is batshit insanity. Iowa State averaged 4 yards per play. That's bad. UNI ran for over 200 yards against the Clones. Steele Jantz turned the ball over like a young (and old) Austen Arnaud. Also, Steele Jantz. I know there's been a history of coming up short at Ames and I'm not saying this Iowa team is a world beater. But they don't have to be. Iowa State is terrible. I don't see them stopping Iowa on the ground or in the air. I think McNutt is going off. I think Coker will go into full Beast Mode. I think we may even get to see what's inside of Steele Jantz, literally. Put your units on Iowa and the Under, since I don't see the Clones contributing more than 10 points.