Note: In case you need to catch up, here are parts 1, 2 and 3. All characters are fictional representations. Except for maybe Marc Morehouse, he's always sharp as a tack.
In the ISU athletic department offices
(Looks up from computer). Oh you're going to have sex with my mother now? Well, I hate to break it to you JebusHChrist, and I doubt that's really your name, my Mom is old and it wouldn't be any fun for you. Plus, we'll see who's having a good time, once the news breaks, isn't that right, Freddy boy
Look Jamie it's a dinosaur!
Secretary, please get the Iowa City Press Citizen on the phone, I need to talk with a good friend.
Right away sir.
Now remember the plan, we're all about to gain a little respect
I've already bought my Pulitzer Prize wax. In fact when this comes out, they'll be naming awards after me.
My booster source promises that what he knows will blow off the roof of the Hawkeye program. You'll be a hero for uncovering it, Paki will be an honorable whistleblower against the program that turned its back on him. And I... well I won't be known as little brother anymore. I'll be top dog, I'll be king and I know the first person I'm going to call.
Why are you so excited Eric? A problem with the program, especially with recruits, probably means you'll be out on the street.
I think I'll survive (ominous laugh)
The next day
O'MEARA CLAIMS IMPROPER BENEFITS BY BOOSTER, RECRUITER
Outside the Old Capitol
I'd like to welcome you to this impromptu press conference about the story in the Press Citizen today. I am open for any questions about the illegal activities that Kirk Ferentz and the Iowa program performed during my recruiting and time with the University
Yeah, you were a walk-on with the football team. How much recruiting actually occurred and how much of it could have been illeg...
If I could just butt in right here. Paki I was wondering if you could further explain some of the improper benefits that were offered to you and other potential athletes by the program. Beyond of course what was written in today's paper.
Ummm sure. Well, my recruiter rolled up to my house in Cedar Rapids in some kind of Toyota and brought in pizza that we shared. He then told me that he saw me play in high school and that if I wanted to join the team, I would be welcomed as a walk-on.
None of that sounds very illegal.
Well, he also said that if I performed well, studied hard and worked even harder. That someday the University would give me money to help with school. Money I never even saw.
That's sounds like a scholarsh...
Yeah, but what about the booster. Paki, I heard he gave you lots of money and gave other's money as well. In fact, I think the Press Citizen will have a huge expose with one of the booster's tomorrow.
Oh yeah. A booster offered me $25,000 to block a punt against Eastern Illinois. And $50,000 to fumble against Northern Iowa a year earlier.
A number of hands shoot up and the press members talk over each other.
Thank you, that's all.
At another press conference at the same time
I know you've all read the Press Citizen today and the Athletic Department would like to issue a statement: We did not understand today's Dilbert. We wish Scott Adams the best in his future, but the University of Iowa is cutting ties with his comic strip until we figure out if Dogbert is real or not. Any questions?
The reporters sit stunned
Thank you, it's a very important week against our rivals and we don't want any distractions.
Local report fingers Iowa for recruiting, booster violations.
What an unbelievable Monday. So many people have shaken my hand today. I feel like a Presidential candidate. Hmmmmmmmmm President Pollard. It does have a ring to it
Sir, Mr. Harty is on the line.
Pat, the article was brilliant. Now it's time to really earn that Pulitzer. My booster source will call you in 15 minutes and will tell you everything you need to know. It's time for the end.
JAMIE!!!!! Mr. Rhoads said I couldn't play on the balance balls in the weight room and his players through me in the ladies bathroom.
I need a beer.
The next day
Sir, your paper is here. Iowa is on the front again.
Bring it in. It's time for my greatest victory.
BOOSTER: MEOFF, OTHER HAWKEYES RECEIVED BENEFITS
Meoff? I don't remember him.
What the hell?
Cell phone rings
What do you think of the story?
What is this? Look at the names... Jack Meoff, Heywood Jublome, Hugh Jass, Dick Grabbert, Harry Balzack...
Yeah (stifling laughter)
None of these guys play for Iowa. I've never heard of any of these players. Jack Meoff? No way. In fact, I never even got your name.
Well, it's really three names. Ima Stu.
Yeah and my last name is Pidasso.
Ima Stu Pidasso?
You sure are. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See you Saturday. *click*
Iowa booster story a hoax; ISU AD moonlights as Hawkeye assistant
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Oh god that was great. Now let's pretend were the PAC-12 and tell him we want Iowa State over OU.
Gary, it's Tuesday morning. I think I should probably be watching some tape.
Okay, but I want to be in on this one. Let's make it a conference call and I'll be Dan Beebe.
Cell phone rings.
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