Jamie Pollard puts it all together

Note: In case you need to catch up, here are parts 1, 2 and 3. All characters are fictional representations. Except for maybe Marc Morehouse, he's always sharp as a tack.

 In the ISU athletic department offices

Iconpollard_jpg_medium (Looks up from computer). Oh you're going to have sex with my mother now? Well, I hate to break it to you JebusHChrist, and I doubt that's really your name, my Mom is old and it wouldn't be any fun for you. Plus, we'll see who's having a good time, once the news breaks, isn't that right, Freddy boy

Hoiberg_medium  Look Jamie it's a dinosaur!


Hoiberg_medium  RAWR.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium Secretary, please get the Iowa City Press Citizen on the phone, I need to talk with a good friend.

Iconronald_medium  Right away sir.

Moments later

Iconpollard_jpg_medium Now remember the plan, we're all about to gain a little respect

Hartyparty_medium I've already bought my Pulitzer Prize wax. In fact when this comes out, they'll be naming awards after me.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium My booster source promises that what he knows will blow off the roof of the Hawkeye program. You'll be a hero for uncovering it, Paki will be an honorable whistleblower against the program that turned its back on him. And I... well I won't be known as little brother anymore. I'll be top dog, I'll be king and I know the first person I'm going to call.

Hartyparty_medium Why are you so excited Eric? A problem with the program, especially with recruits, probably means you'll be out on the street.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium I think I'll survive (ominous laugh)

The next day


Cyclone Fanatic:  Index_php_medium

Outside the Old Capitol

Pakiicon_medium I'd like to welcome you to this impromptu press conference about the story in the Press Citizen today. I am open for any questions about the illegal activities that Kirk Ferentz and the Iowa program performed during my recruiting and time with the University

Iconmarcmo_medium Yeah, you were a walk-on with the football team. How much recruiting actually occurred and how much of it could have been illeg...

Hartyparty_medium If I could just butt in right here. Paki I was wondering if you could further explain some of the improper benefits that were offered to you and other potential athletes by the program. Beyond of course what was written in today's paper.

Pakiicon_medium Ummm sure. Well, my recruiter rolled up to my house in Cedar Rapids in some kind of Toyota and brought in pizza that we shared. He then told me that he saw me play in high school and that if I wanted to join the team, I would be welcomed as a walk-on.

Iconmarcmo_medium None of that sounds very illegal.

Pakiicon_medium Well, he also said that if I performed well, studied hard and worked even harder. That someday the University would give me money to help with school. Money I never even saw.

Iconmarcmo_medium That's sounds like a scholarsh...

Hartyparty_medium Yeah, but what about the booster. Paki, I heard he gave you lots of money and gave other's money as well. In fact, I think the Press Citizen will have a huge expose with one of the booster's tomorrow.

Pakiicon_medium Oh yeah. A booster offered me $25,000 to block a punt against Eastern Illinois. And $50,000 to fumble against Northern Iowa a year earlier.

A number of hands shoot up and the press members talk over each other.

Pakiicon_medium Thank you, that's all.

At another press conference at the same time

Haddy_medium  I know you've all read the Press Citizen today and the Athletic Department would like to issue a statement: We did not understand today's Dilbert. We wish Scott Adams the best in his future, but the University of Iowa is cutting ties with his comic strip until we figure out if Dogbert is real or not. Any questions?

The reporters sit stunned

Haddy_medium Thank you, it's a very important week against our rivals and we don't want any distractions.


Espnmf_medium Local report fingers Iowa for recruiting, booster violations.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium What an unbelievable Monday. So many people have shaken my hand today. I feel like a Presidential candidate. Hmmmmmmmmm President Pollard. It does have a ring to it

Iconronald_medium Sir, Mr. Harty is on the line.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium Pat, the article was brilliant. Now it's time to really earn that Pulitzer. My booster source will call you in 15 minutes and will tell you everything you need to know. It's time for the end.

Hoiberg_medium  JAMIE!!!!! Mr. Rhoads said I couldn't play on the balance balls in the weight room and his players through me in the ladies bathroom.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium I need a beer.

The next day

Iconronald_medium Sir, your paper is here. Iowa is on the front again.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium Bring it in. It's time for my greatest victory.


Iconpollard_jpg_medium Meoff? I don't remember him.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium  (Reads paper)

Iconpollard_jpg_medium What the hell?

Cell phone rings

Blurryj_medium What do you think of the story?

Iconpollard_jpg_medium  What is this? Look at the names... Jack Meoff, Heywood Jublome, Hugh Jass, Dick Grabbert, Harry Balzack...

Blurryj_medium Yeah (stifling laughter)

Iconpollard_jpg_medium None of these guys play for Iowa. I've never heard of any of these players. Jack Meoff? No way. In fact, I never even got your name.

Blurryj_medium Well, it's really three names. Ima Stu.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium Ima Stu?

  Blurryj_medium Yeah and my last name is Pidasso.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium Ima Stu Pidasso?

Iconbarta_medium You sure are. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See you Saturday. *click*

Iconpollard_jpg_medium (Checks computer)

Espnmf_medium Iowa booster story a hoax; ISU AD moonlights as Hawkeye assistant

Barta's office

Iconbarta_medium HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Oh god that was great. Now let's pretend were the PAC-12 and tell him we want Iowa State over OU.

Iconferentz_medium Gary, it's Tuesday morning. I think I should probably be watching some tape.


Iconferentz_medium Okay, but I want to be in on this one. Let's make it a conference call and I'll be Dan Beebe.

Iconbarta_medium Deal.

Iconpollard_jpg_medium Cell phone rings.


Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.