Mike and Eric's Excellent Adventure

(EDIT: Bumped for general, er, excellence. -- RB)

Shortly after the Pitt game in the Iowa locker room

 Dude, that was such an awesome game. It was like whoa, we were down 24-3 and then all of sudden we were winning. Excellent!

 Yeah, I'm a little bummed about the missed field goals. I had them all lined up and then boom, I biffed it.

 Hey get out of the dumps, man. We won, were going to the mall to celebrate. I need some more acid wash jeans and I'm hankering for an Orange Julius.

 (exits showers): Alright, everyone's out. Showers all your special team dorks. Heh heh heh heh.

Snaps towel

 Ouch. Watch it Daniels, I'll kick your ass.

  You'd probably miss anyway loser, now if you'll excuse me, I'm using Alvis to pick up chicks.

 Hey don't worry about it. Those defenders are assholes.

 He might be right though. I might miss.

Mike and Eric enter showers

10 minutes later

 You're motorin' bum.. bum... bum... what's your price for flight

 Mike and Eric, I need your help.

 Sure coach Parker, just let us get dressed.

 I'm not coach Parker, I'm his great great grandson from the future... Normus.

 I've got to quit the shrooms before the game.

 I'm very real and I need your assistance.

 Yeah, but why us?

 The Louisiana-Monroe game was the turning point of the Hawkeyes' 2011 season and you played a big part.

 What happened?

 I can't tell you, but my Great Great Grandpa was never the same. My life has been a disaster and you're going to help me fix it.

 How?

 By killing James Monroe.

Lights flicker off

  Are you douchebags still in here? God, you are such losers. (Screams out door) Ladies, the Beast is on the loose!

Outside

 Here's the time machine. Get in.

 Okay (opens car door).

 Nope, the phone booth.

 Are you shitting me? Are there seatbelts?

 It's a time machine. Just get in.

 Dude, this is so much better than the mall. Here's a chance for a big adventure.

 Okay. Let's do it. I'm in.

Eric and Mike enter phone booth, Normus gets in driver seat

 Alright close your eyes and count to 10.

  One... two...

Norm guns the engine and Mike and Eric go head first into the phone booth knocking them unconscious

 Next stop Virginia.

Mike and Eric come to on a gravel road in a forested area

 Where are we?

 Virginia. 1780.

 Is this a gravel road?

 He's rich.

The car drives by a light pole

 Is that a...

 Rich.

 What are we going to do?

 Monroe is deciding whether to run for the Virginia House of Delegates. Were going to change his mind... by killing him. No more Monroe means no fifth president of the United States and no Louisiana-Monroe, I can certainly live in that world.

 But doesn't that also mean that there won't be a Monroe Doctrine? Who knows how prosperous America would turn out with Europe meddling in the Western Hemisphere?

 I forgot that you special teams players are nerds. It'll be fine. Ahh were here

 Is that a garage?

 How many times do I have to say it. This bastard's rich.

Man exits home

  What is this machination that is parked in my home pathway and what is with the weird attire that you cads are dressed in?

 Coach... Ferentz ?

 No, I don't want a coach. I have no need to enter the town today. I say good day to you Ferentz. I wish I could say that it was a pleasure meeting you, but it's not.

 I heard you are planning to run for Virginia House of Delagates.

 That might possibly be true, but I definitely would not share it with you. What are you wearing on your eyes?

 They're sunglasses dipshit. Now I have a question for you. Are you ready to die.

 I beg your pardon?

 (pulls out musket) Your time on this planet is over Monroe. Any last words.

 Holy shit!

 How did he fit that in his suit?

 Please don't shoot me. I have too much to live for. I will pay you (reaches in pocket) Umm. Umm. How about a shilling?

 That's not enough.

 (gets down on knees) Please, I'll do anything. Anything.

 Okay. Okay. Quit blubbering. If you stay out of politics, we'll let you live.

 Fine anything. I'll go back to farming.

 And to make sure. You don't forget, I'm going to have Mike here kick you square in the ass. So that every time you sit down you'll have a reminder to keep your butt out of politics.

 What?

 Remember this is for my Great Great Grandfather and the Hawkeyes. Do it, how many people can say they kicked a President in the ass?

 Umm okay.

 Well then Monroe - bend over.

Monroe bends over and Meyer boots him hard in the ass

 OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 Wow. That felt kind of good. That was a good kick.

 Well do it again then.

 What?

Meyer kicks Monroe in the ass again, even harder

 OOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 Fantastic. Alright gentlemen. Our work is done. Head back to the time machine, I'll be there in a minute.

 I didn't even do anything and it still was a great.

 Just awesome. Let's get back to Iowa City, so we can go to Cinnabon.

Mike and Eric leave

 All this for two missed kicks. You better be right.

 Hey, he has his confidence back. It was worth it. Plus, I think the musket was a great touch.

 You told me there'd be just one kick.

 The other one was for Iowa State.