The University of Iowa Athletic Department just sent out their 2011 game day policy handbook to season ticket-holders. We got a hold of it and as a service to our readers would like to share some of the more notable changes:
If you find yourself in a dense crowd in one of the concourses, do not panic. Simply push on the person in front of you with all your might. If this fails to move him or her, use your elbows and aim for the pressure points displayed below:
- There will be slight changes to the "Big Burrito Lift" in-game promotion: fans are now encouraged to sit motionless and unsmiling as that mirthless music of the damned, "Pump It Up" by Danzel, plays in its entirety. We made good progress on this front last year, and put it to you to achieve complete fan non-involvement.
- If you are riding the Hawkeye Express train into the game and find that eight-minute segments of time keep repeating themselves, do not panic: you are in a "Source Code" scenario, and will receive instruction shortly from your CIA handler. Observe your fellow passengers carefully; that will prove important later.
- Please do not run on the field at the end of the game -- only an all-out sprint into a flying handspring is acceptable.
- There will be new express lanes to facilitate the entry process. If you have a 12-foot wooden surfboard, you will not be allowed to use the express lanes. 9-foot polyurethane boards will be allowed through the express lane.
Stadium security will be stepping up enforcement on bringing concealed alcoholic beverages into Kinnick Stadium, so be creative.
Our motto this year is "Think Before You Drink". Please do not attempt to think after you drink, as this has proven to be highly counter-productive.
There is a new procedure for dealing with beach balls in the stands: if you catch a beach ball, remove your keys from your pocket, purse, or surfboard, grasp them firmly in your hand, and puncture the ball with a swift punching motion. Do not be dissuaded by the nine year-old saying "lemme hit it, Mister" We're trying to watch a game here.
We know you like singing along to "Sweet Caroline", but the U of I's official policy is that "Cherry, Cherry" is the superior song.
The university-owned parking lot along Myrtle Avenue is now reserved for those who make contributions to the national I-Club and will be closed to the public, so please cooperate and do not: talk to, make eye contact with, or jostle the monocles of, those tailgating in this lot.
We understand that yelling obscenities at football referees is part of the fan experience, but ticket-holders should be aware that most yelling is inaudible at the field level. If you are truly upset by a call, try yelling louder or using an amplification system.
Any violence between Herky and the opposing mascot is simulated, so please do not call stadium security when you see it. Unless Herky has a gun.
Fans are encouraged to text stadium security if they observe any disruptive behavior. Be aware: this does make you kind of a narc.
The opposition team's coaching headsets operate at a frequency of 171.045 MHz and a transmission of heavy static at that frequency would make communication between the opposing coaches virtually impossible. Don't do that.
UI Athletics would like to remind fans of the Second Noble Truth of the Buddha: "The origin of suffering is attachment." There is no particular application of this statement to the game day experience, but it is something to consider in general.
Homeowners on Melrose Avenue have complained recently of trash and debris created by fans on game day. Therefore, when projectile vomiting, angle your head toward nearby sewer drains and away from windows, lampposts or garden statuary.
We encourage fans to treat guests politely. Therefore comments such as "Isn't Tennessee Tech a contradiction in terms?", "What is Tennessee Tech: a particularly efficient still?", "Is that your cousin or your wife or both?" and "All Tennesseans are mountain-dwelling mental incompetents" are discouraged.
Remember: quiet when we have the ball, loud when they have the ball. We have a new quarterback.