[INT. Iowa State athletic offices]
... well, of course I appreciate the thought, Mr. Dodds, but I don't know if Texas State University at Ames is really how we want to brand ourselves right now.
Sorry, Mr. Dodds. Gotta run -- I promise I'll, uh, get back to you on your suggestion soon.
It's a group of representatives from Iowa Corn.
Jamie! Hot damn, you ol' fish-faced sonuvagun!
Okay, let's cut the chit-chat and get straight to business, Jamie. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
Jamie, I don't want to fuck your wife.
No. I want to buy your whole got-damn program, son.
I said I want to buy up the entire athletic department, son.
Now, I ain't gonna blow smoke up yer ass just to make ya feel good. You weren't my first choice. But Barta just laughed at me and lit some BTN checks on fire and threw 'em at me.
Well, the thing is ol' Iowa State's financial situation is actually looking pretty rosy these days. Dan Beebe got us this big fat TV rights increase and --
That's great, but those deals are gonna be about as useful as employin' a eunuch in a whorehouse because the Big 12 ain't gonna exist in five years, son.
And you bought that line of bullshit? Son, DeLoss Dodds would whore out his mother if he thought he could get a few nickels out of it.
Ha! I don't care who you play or how good you are. I thought we'd already proven that we don't care if we're associated with shit.
Son, we just want you as a tax write-off.
Ha! Oh man, you're a funny guy, Jamie. Funny, funny guy.
Now there would have to be a few changes, of course.
Aw, it don't matter. Hell, the national media don't even know what your name is. So we're gonna change it. I'm thinking The Iowa State Cornlovers presented by Iowa Corn. Really rolls off the tongue, don't ya think?
We'll be changing the helmets, of course. Again.
And we'll be replacing your goofy old mascot with Captain Corn here.
Good morrow, sir!
Pray pardon me, sir, but you are wearing no breeches.
Be that as it may, your slovenly appearance makes you appear quite arsy varsy and rather lacking in culture.
Alas, 'tis true. Your uncouth behavior and wine-besotted demeanor betrays your low-class upbringing.
Sir, I fear once the demon firewater has sunk its talons deep within a man, he shall never again be free of its deadly temptations and sweet siren song.
Enough already! You nancy-boys are just makin' me thirsty. So how 'bout it, Jamie? Are you gonna take my offer?
The door to Pollard's office swings open dramatically
But then I noticed your uncommonly high placement in the Fulmer Cup. I was intrigued! Perhaps I was focusing on the wrong program in the Hawkeye state!
At first, I was dismayed that they were mainly just penny-ante drinking charges, but it takes more than that to throw the Chuckster off a story! My journalistic nose kept at it. Because the nose knows, Jamie. The nose knows!