Players to watch for in 2011: Royce Bonenberger - The Summit
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Aug 23, 2011 3:00 PM CDT
in Batshit Insanity
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With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.
Date: October 1
Team: Bye
"Player:" Royce Bonenberger
What you need to know:
Who is this jabroni?
He's a 5' 10" 170lb bartender from Libertyville (or whatever northern Chicago suburb you want), IL
What has he accomplished?
Made up a fake resume claiming he had 2 years of bartending experience at Mickey Finn's. Luckily, his fratbro was the hiring manager so it didn't really matter but he wanted to cover all his bases. He's mastered the art of the long pour for the ladies and serving straight Diet Cokes to the GDI's. He is capable of eye-fucking a girl on the other side of the bar while over-charging some dude who looks like a weak tipper. Has a keen ability to look straight past some guy who has been waiting for 25 minutes so he can serve the hot chick standing behind him. Holds single-night record for fist bumps with 174.
Why should you be concerned about him?
- Once made a cocktail so strong that it got Riley Reiff drunk enough to run shirtless through Pita Pit while evading police officers.
- Secretly put so much alcohol into Shaun Prater's Coca-Cola that he got a DUI.
- Tricked James Ferentz into getting a Possession of Alcohol Under the Legal Age. In fact, the sneaky fucker got him again 6 months later.
- Lured Jewel Hampton into a bar and got him a ticket for being underage while simultaneously serving Jordan Bernstein enough booze to make him uncooperative with police.
Why should you not be worried about him?
- He's not working that weekend because he's driving to St Louis to catch a Dave Matthews Band concert on Friday night. Dave Matthews Band fucking rocks. Also, Dane Cook is performing at the Fox Theatre and he knows a guy down there that might be able to get him tickets, so he may stick around for that. It's not a guarantee, but he's totally going to check it out. That would be so badass.
What is the most likely outcome?
Kirk Ferentz breaks all of his teeth by stuffing that shitty new Cy-Hawk Trophy right down his fucking throat.
"You got iced,brah!"
Predicted Stat Line: 0 arrests
Previous Installments:
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BHGP: midseason form before the season has even started
Well done.
"GO HAWKS!" - only cure for Hawkeye Envy
recrecrecrecrecrecrecrecrecrecrecrec
single night record for fist bumps…..just beautiful. so beautiful.
I laughed hard at that.
Especially because it reminded me of the really awkward moment that occured one of the more recent times (kids man) I went to the bars in Iowa City. I was at Jake’s (RIP, sort of) and the guy at the second floor bar gives me my drink with way too much show (he was probably high on cocaine, GET OFF MY LAWN BARSTOOL) and was all chipper when he brought the change.
He hands me the money and they does a weird hand signal before tossing “the rock” out there for me to bump (I think he even called it something lame which I pretended not to hear over the music and chatter). I look at him like he’s crazy, with a facial expression that was trying to say “no fucking way douchenozzle, I’m a grown man, I’m 30, and I’ll not paddycake you, no matter what you call it.” But he persisted and insisted on hanging his stupid fist out there. I was amazed and figured he had better things to do, but there he stood looking rediculous. At this point it’s a standoff and the stakes are getting higher. Then my two friends come over after they’d finished their “rounds” and I immediately fist bump the two of them while Jersey Shore bartender stares incredulously at us. At that point I figured he’d been a good enough sport, and I wasn’t trying to be a dick or anything (I just thought the guy was being lame trying to toss the bumpyknuckles at me, and responded accordingly), so I yell out “BROTHERS DON’T FIST BUMP! BROTHERS GOTTA HUG!” and started climbing the bar to give this guy a full-on bear embrace. There was laughter, and photos, and yes, after hugging the guy I told him he could toss the rock out there, “so long as it explodes upon impact” (or something like that… I really tried to sound like a square old guy, so he’d have a fun story to tell his friends). There were even a couple cheers from the crowd when he finally got his bump.
[FWIW, I’m not against fist bumping, it’s just not really my thing either, and when people that don’t know you try to do it, it’s just awkward and not really fun to me. Sometimes I want to punch their fists REALLY hard, and then pretend that’s how everyone does it, and I didn’t know any better. God, I’m crotchety.]
Sorry if I took a simple quip that was meant as a rebuke for a single-minded poster and turned it into a completely uninteresting and inconsequential tangent.
-McCann't
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Aug 23, 2011 4:21 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
exactly, that's the beauty of this whole thing
it’s not that a fist bump here or there with an actual friend is a terrible thing, or that there isn’t a good DMB tune or two out there, but this whole caricature of the very particular (and very numerous) kind of bro from somewhere park/lake, IL is just perfect. especially for the gdi’s out there who are iowa natives.
This guy's name makes him sound like
he’s bitter for not getting into jNW, so he slummed it in Iowa and dropped out during his second semester, and now the health clinic workers recognize him and call him by name
Sorry if I took a simple quip that was meant as a rebuke for a single-minded poster and turned it into a completely uninteresting and inconsequential tangent.
-McCann't
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Aug 23, 2011 7:43 PM CDT up reply actions
I despise the fist bump.
If someone attempts to fist bump me, no matter who it is, I leave them hanging. I’ve left my 8 year old cousin hanging. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Aug 23, 2011 5:02 PM CDT up reply actions
Sinner.
"Oh, glorious cheeseburger, we bow to thee. The secrets of the Universe are between the buns."
by Bucketochicken on Aug 24, 2011 12:13 AM CDT up reply actions
on the devolution of man chart
it goes hug, forearm lock handshake, handshake, high five, fist bump
we are getting so lazy and isolated that our congratulatory rituals are less effort and less contact
someday we’ll make love via machines
mellow greetings John Spartan
/asks how to use the three seashells
Sorry if I took a simple quip that was meant as a rebuke for a single-minded poster and turned it into a completely uninteresting and inconsequential tangent.
-McCann't
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Aug 23, 2011 7:27 PM CDT up reply actions
"Mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!" And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!
by The Bird Cult on Aug 23, 2011 7:29 PM CDT up reply actions
Oh, that was you who tweeted this?
I love it, and quote it all the time. Mostly when adults are trying to fist bump my 17mo olds, who have been taught to leave them hanging. They’re just staring at them awkwardly while I say coldly: ‘we do high fives in our house.’
Nope, I merely retweeted it.
And I was disappointed that I didn’t tweet it first because I live by the same rule. And yeah, I’m a high-fiver too.
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Aug 24, 2011 7:11 PM CDT up reply actions
My 50-52, I'm not sure, year old brother-in-law fist bumps everything.
It is very awkward for me. Especially since I don’t like him to touch me in general.
by Carfino'sWay on Aug 23, 2011 5:30 PM CDT up reply actions
This is some funny shit,
“I have to stop now because CycloneFanatic.com just reached a collective climax into their shorts.” Also I am a fan of DMB but Dane Cook can go to hell.
I think Dane Cook going to hell is the idea.
"This is it. Nuclear combat toe to toe with the Ruskies"--Slim Pickens as "Major T.J. 'King' Kong" in "Dr. Strangelove, (or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb)"
Best one so far.
I was at opening night at Summit. I was proud at the time.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
I miss the Peaceful Fool.
Sorry if I took a simple quip that was meant as a rebuke for a single-minded poster and turned it into a completely uninteresting and inconsequential tangent.
-McCann't
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Aug 23, 2011 4:22 PM CDT up reply actions
Thank you!
I was just remembering when Summit first opened (I don’t know if I was there opening night (probably) but definitely that week) and I liked to go there for $2 Long Islands on Thursday night (2 of those suckers had me shitfaced, so it was a cheap night) my sophomore year before it became Greek Hell. I couldn’t remember the name of the place before it, so thanks for the Peaceful Fool shoutout. I got a Ben Harper poster there when I first moved intoo Mayflower my freshman year (I had been to 2 Ben Harper concerts—including where he was an opening act for DMB the summer before my freshman year at Soldier Field—so I wasn’t just jumping on the Ben Harper poster train like seemingly every other person).
by Captain n Diet Coker on Aug 23, 2011 4:36 PM CDT up reply actions
I was at that concert at Soldier Field
The Summit used to be the Chicago crew and cool Iowans. The football team was there a lot too. The Greek system barely existed when I was at Iowa. I had a few friends that I knew before college that were Sig Ep’s or some shit, but most of those dudes are
Pi Kappa Thetic.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Pi Kappa Thetic
That reminds me of the fucking Pikes. Those black leather jacket-wearing douches were always at the Union in hordes. And yeah, the Greek thing was not big at all at Iowa when I was there. It seemed to get a little more traction by my senior year though, much to my dismay. With the bar scene and all the house parties, you didn’t really need a frat/sorority to get your party/socializing on.
by Captain n Diet Coker on Aug 23, 2011 5:47 PM CDT up reply actions
Hey I still remember when they used to call Burge Hall "Animal House."
University came down like a ton of bricks on that around 1990ish. Of course, Currier Hall still smelled like Jamaica every Saturday and Sunday morning when I was there.
by EastLosRandy on Aug 23, 2011 6:08 PM CDT up reply actions
I lived in Burge in 1984...
…security would tell you to close your door because the bong was in plain sight.
While not an actual fraternity
the Theta Beta Potata house on South Lucas was pretty rad. They had giant greek letters above their porch: A theta, beta, and then what looked like two horseshoes facing each other forming a potato in the negative space. A group of “zany counterculture punk rockers” lived their and hosted rock shows all the time. At least they did until too many visits from the fuzz led them to shut it down.
by SoCratesJohnson on Aug 24, 2011 10:52 AM CDT up reply actions
Saw many many many midwestern bands there.
Awesome house to party at. I think I was there for one of their last shows and they f-ing thrashed the place during the riot party.
Sorry if I took a simple quip that was meant as a rebuke for a single-minded poster and turned it into a completely uninteresting and inconsequential tangent.
-McCann't
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Aug 25, 2011 9:47 AM CDT up reply actions
Only saw a couple shows there, mostly local bands, but it was always packed and crazy.
My band was fortunate enough to get a gig there once. Our second ever, the only one where we wore the “robot” costumes.
by SoCratesJohnson on Aug 25, 2011 1:09 PM CDT up reply actions
One of the best one liners ever.
I have to stop now because CycloneFanatic.com just reached a collective climax into their shorts.
"West Texas seems to be full of fake boobs providing a comfortable shade for well-developed pot bellies" - Lycurgus (06/24/2011)
Summit is great.
Me: “You want eight dollars for a half cup of tonic water? There’s almost enough booze in there to rival mouthwash.”
“Bartender”: /blinks, unamused
Me: “You fucking hate tips, don’t you?”
They used to have only female bartenders.
I never paid for shit there. Or, Vito’s, Brothers, damn near anywhere.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
I feel like that photoshop is something out of Event Horizon.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
I may have climaxed myself
reading this
I have to stop now because CycloneFanatic.com just reached a collective climax into their shorts.
I thought the site closed down? not yet? too soon?
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
They had to cut their baseball forum
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull." - W.C. Fields
by rockyh on Aug 23, 2011 4:49 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
I admit it.
I laughed.
I have the same fashion sense as Tom Arnold.
by CyHawk on Aug 23, 2011 8:26 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Truly inspired.
I feel really bad for the Ball St. safety, either because he hates Dane Cook or because he really thinks that having the same name is paying dividends with the females.
"Let me finish or I will hammerpunch your clavicle." -Steve Youngblood
Has The Summit surpassed The Union as the hot sport for underage drinking?
/old.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
I SHOULD TYPE ONLY IN CAPITAL LETTERS SO YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING I WRITE.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
by dmbmeg on Aug 23, 2011 6:49 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
The only "research" I did for this post was to see if The Summit was still a bar.
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Aug 23, 2011 7:24 PM CDT up reply actions
I think it opened up my senior year
But I’m not sure. I remember being in it, I think. It’s all a drunken haze.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
I always preferred the "townie" bars.
Just visited IC for a few days dropping my little bro off to join the family legacy.
Was pleased to see that George’s is still there, but the Fox Head looked like it was closed. Didn’t get a chance to check Kelly’s hilltop.
by EastLosRandy on Aug 23, 2011 7:37 PM CDT up reply actions
How does Fox Head close.
And Summit is still open? /shakes head in disgust
"And after it was all over, he took us in the house and served us pancakes... pancakes." - Charlie Murphy
by Podolak Pimpin' on Aug 23, 2011 10:17 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
can't believe the foxhead would have closed.
They did not rely on the underage crowd much. It always looked closed though.
He sired a baseball team... An orchestra, if you count the bastards!
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Aug 24, 2011 6:50 AM CDT up reply actions
I don't even know what/where Foxhead is.
by Carfino'sWay on Aug 24, 2011 10:45 AM CDT up reply actions
Basically across the street from Dirty Johns..
Not as great as Deadwood tho..
"And after it was all over, he took us in the house and served us pancakes... pancakes." - Charlie Murphy
by Podolak Pimpin' on Aug 24, 2011 10:59 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Kinda the "writer's bar"
Back before the “no smoking indoors” law, you’d walk in and barely be able to see because of the haze. For a while it was one of the only bars in IC that still had a CD jukebox. George’s and (maybe) the Dublin were a couple more.
by SoCratesJohnson on Aug 24, 2011 11:10 AM CDT up reply actions
"still had a CD jukebox"
Those were new back in my day, youngster!
/GOML’d
by EastLosRandy on Aug 24, 2011 2:27 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, I wasn't sure but it looked semi-abandoned.
Although as my memory recovers, that was part of the appeal. Good to hear it’s still kicking. Now if only the Old Capitol and Hamburg Inn #2 hadn’t been destroyed by that tornado…
by EastLosRandy on Aug 24, 2011 2:30 PM CDT up reply actions
I don't think it's got much longer.
Unless the asshole chooses to keep it over Jake’s. Who knows?
by The Mexican't on Aug 23, 2011 8:35 PM CDT up reply actions
From what I've heard,
Airliner has had a huge surge in “Youngin’s Drinkin’” due to them being a “restaurant” and not technically a bar.
Cheering for inconsistent, undisciplined teams [Twins, Wild, Packers, Hawkeyes] since 1989. "False Hope is better than No Hope"
That is correct..
My cousin is a sophomore there and said The Liner has a ton of underclassmen. Please get rid of 21 so they can go back to Union where they belong.. rabble rabble
"And after it was all over, he took us in the house and served us pancakes... pancakes." - Charlie Murphy
by Podolak Pimpin' on Aug 23, 2011 10:23 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
In my time here
The Summit has always surpassed the Union for underage-ness…
… but I would think ahead of both of them would be Sports Column…
///actually 26 tomorrow
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
Your prediction assumes that Kirk will have that godforsaken "trophy."
Instead of “accidentally” leaving it on the Jack Trice turf after we slowly smother ISU.
He probably doesn't play it around his bros.
Just when he wants to just chill or seem sensitive with a chick.
"Let me finish or I will hammerpunch your clavicle." -Steve Youngblood
by SomeJerkPoster on Aug 23, 2011 6:58 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
The link to CF is awesome.
I love it.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
Chuck Norris wears NickBloomfield pajamas.
by Pain in the Sash on Aug 23, 2011 6:51 PM CDT reply actions
Is that a picture of Ralph Maccio?
Man, I’m getting old. All these bars that Were Not There (well, they were, just different names and decor) when I was in Iowa City. I remember one night sitting in the Airliner, with a girlfriend of mine, watching the bouncers throw out the former high school jocks (5’8" to 5’11", 170-210) whom after a pitcher of beer all thought they were King Shit and could take on anyone, and seeing them sail past us onto the sidewalk. It was fucking awesome.
"Mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!" And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!
This is flat out hilarious...well done.
FWIW…I wanted to be this guy for a solid 6 week period when I was 16 years old.
"I wish you luck with a capital 'F'" - The Real Elvis.
...and the weekend after my girlfriend dumped my when I was 23 and an 1/8.
"I wish you luck with a capital 'F'" - The Real Elvis.
+11/11
for not using base 12 to measure a year
Sorry if I took a simple quip that was meant as a rebuke for a single-minded poster and turned it into a completely uninteresting and inconsequential tangent.
-McCann't
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Aug 23, 2011 7:39 PM CDT up reply actions
damn, I should have taken the opportunity to use "duodecimal"
Sorry if I took a simple quip that was meant as a rebuke for a single-minded poster and turned it into a completely uninteresting and inconsequential tangent.
-McCann't
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Aug 23, 2011 7:41 PM CDT up reply actions
Well shit, I thought he was referring to a bag of las drugas.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
yea
he was playing basketball there but it was just too big of a time commitment and he wasn’t getting enough playing time and he broke up with his high school gf who went there with him and her friends were all bitches anyway and his knee started acting up again so he just decided to transfer to, you know, be with his friends and have a real college experience and shit
by sailorjerry on Aug 23, 2011 7:46 PM CDT up reply actions 3 recs
I just like to tell everyone I'm not really racist
I just hate everyone equally
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
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