ATTN BROSEPHS AND BROSEPHINES OF BHGP

Our CFB SBN brethren at BSD were just pissed on by a former writer for their very own site. Rather than bow out gracefully, he decided to write this piece here about how he no longer works for the site and is now going to be a "serious journalist" In dmbmeg style, I am about to break his article down piece by eviscerating piece. If you're a fan of tired clichéd writing, then you might enjoy his original article. Either way, grab yer popcorn cause shit's about to go down after the jump.

By Adam Bittner
Collegian Staff Writer (ed. eyeroll)

During my time as a club sports reporter here at The Daily Collegian in the fall of 2009, my goal was to one day make my mark on this newspaper as a member of the football beat. (ed. if by mark you mean "piss all over the reputation of The Daily Collegian", then you have succeeded admirably)

They’re the ones that get those big headline stories on page one, they’re the ones who ask Joe Paterno and his players the big questions after the game, and perhaps most importantly, they’re the ones that eat the free food in the press box at halftime. (ed. ok first RUN ON SENTENCE MUCH? I just realized I am totally in the wrong line of work. BSD and BHGP know nothing. Instead of writing for a blog that makes people laugh and brings a little joy into their lunch hour, they should all become "serious journalists" so they can get FREE FOOD IN THE PRESSBOX. Yes, you too can get a roast beef sandwich on day old bread and wilting lettuce FOR FUCKING FREE! SCOREBOARD!)

Getting to the top of the reporting mountain here takes some time, though. (ed. for such a serious journalist, you certainly are a fan of an ill placed comma. WTF is a reporting mountain anyways?)

The fine writers you’ll see breaking football stories this fall put in years covering the less visible sports here on campus. (ed. I can't wait to read about Penn State water polo)

They’ve been polishing their skills and preparing feverishly for their shots at the big time. (ed. this just sounds makes it sound like they're masturbating)

As a freshman, I wasn’t willing to wait that long for my taste of the bright lights. (ed. gross man. FYI of serious journalism: never use the word "taste" in your article.)

I wanted to have my cake here and eat it, too. (ed. ok what is the point of having cake if you can't fucking eat it? This is the most clichéd saying ever. You make some snide remark at the guys at BSD for lacking creativity below, yet this is the best you can come up with?)

While reporting on beats like club sports and men’s tennis by day, I wrote as a member of the amateur blog mob by night, signing on with one of the Web’s leading Penn State sports blogs to write about football and basketball. (ed. my god dude, you really need to work on your sentence structure. You have way too many run-ons. I can see you now, sitting behind your typewriter with a pencil behind your ear, wearing a fedora that says "PRESS" in big bold lettering, before you realized YOU'RE WRITING FOR A COLLEGE PAPER. All I imagine when I read "blog mob" is this: )

I was quickly promoted to editor of the site and learned the ins and outs of how to run a successful amateur blog. (ed. [wanking off motion] Amateur blog? OMG I can hear the desperation and bitterness through your words now.)

In that time, I heard every tired blogger cliché in the book. I was told how newspapers are out of touch with what readers want, out of date when they reach people’s hands, and generally in decline. (ed. "tired blogger cliché" [dmbmeg faints]. Fuck you dude. Usually if someone or something is out of touch with what readers want, they stop reading. And judging by the 4700 people who visited BSD as of 12:00 pm CST, I'd say it was you who was out of touch and so apparently bitter. Also, judging by your statement, you're implying that this sad excuse for what you call sports journalism will never run out of favor with "the people". Your faux pretentiousness is palpable from all the way here in Minnesota.)

I also learned bloggers, especially Penn State bloggers strewn across the United States, can’t do anything without newspaper reporters. (ed. my god did you just copy and paste this from something Buzz Bissinger wrote 5 years ago?)

They need us to print quotes they can grab in between creating Photoshops of athletes and thinking up pithy one-liners to build blog posts around. (ED. I FUCKING LIKE THOSE PHOTOSHOPS, ASSHOLE)

They need us to ask questions at press conferences so they can copy and paste the answers from a transcript somewhere when it’s over. (ed. [dmbmeg's head explodes].)

They need our columns to make fun of when they’re zapped of creativity, and we’re the ones they ask for advertising dollars when they realize their hobbies aren’t making them any money. (ed translation: "ALL BLOGGERS LIVE IN THEIR MOM'S BASEMENT. LOL.You see what I did there internet? I said bloggers are dumb and unsuccessful! No one has ever said that in the history of the internet!" In reality: I'm pretty sure 1/3 bloggers in the world is a lawyer which I guess isn't that much better than living out of your mom's basement)

With that in mind, on behalf of my fellow staff members here at The Daily Collegian, I’m proud to announce the founding of our universal Penn State sports blog, Roll Up the Score.

You can find it on the web at http://www.collegian.psu.edu/blogs/sports_blog/.

There, we’ll cut out the middle men and women of the blogosphere and give you all the best of the blogging realm, melded with all the Collegian reporting you’ve come to count on over the years. Let me break it down for you, blogger style. (ed: oh, by all means, please condescend to me. Please break it down for me "blogger style" since the only way I get news and understand it is through a thought cloud from Joe Paterno's photoshopped head. Who are the "middle men and women" you speak of? Do you think that bloggers all have a bunch of midgets on unicycles serving them drinks or something?)

Print content will collide with raw video and interviews straight from the fields, courts, mats, pools, tracks and ice surfaces of your favorite teams. (ed. sounds riveting. Also, porny.)

Question and answer sessions will get you up-close and personal with your favorite Penn State athletes. And of course, you’ll be able to stay informed with all the up-to-the-second reports of what’s going on in the Happy Valley sports scene. (ed. You hear that world? Not just up-to-the-minute! UP-TO-THE-SECOND!)

When you read news on Roll Up the Score, you’ll know it was posted by a writer who talked to sources, checked his facts, and got it right, not an anonymous fan trying play reporter on his lunch hour by regurgitating a rumor he found with his $9.95 monthly subscription to a recruiting site message board (ed. So, someone other than you?)

Are you a big fan of Penn State’s national championship-winning wrestling and women’s volleyball teams, but can’t find most of their matches on your TV dial? (ed. This sentence was brought to you from the year 1975.)

Don’t worry. Our live blogs will take you straight into the action, offering score updates and commentary, not to mention a place to chat about the action with fellow Nittany Lion partisans. (ed. but where can I go to pick fights with people on the internet?)

Not a big fan of book marking? Follow our specialized Facebook and Twitter feeds to find us on the sites you use most. (ed. Sites I use most, eh? So where can I find a link to BSD?)

We’re excited about the launch, and we hope you are, too. The coming year has to potential to be another memorable one here in Happy Valley, and we’re ready to take you through all the highs and all the lows on Roll Up the Score. (ed. no, pretty sure you're the only one who is excited after you spent your whole time passive aggressively slamming an awesome blog that people enjoy rather than talking up your own site.)

As for me? I’ll be busy putting together the newspaper you hold in your hands right now, keeping a 125-year tradition alive with no end in sight. (ed. I'm at the edge of my fucking seat)

Buckle up. (ed. OK!)