With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.
Date: September 24
Team: University of Louisiana Monroe
Player: Ken Dorsey
What you need to know:
Who is this jabroni?
He's a 6-5 200 lb quarterback from Orinda, CA
What has he accomplished?
What hasn't he accomplished? He's completely rewritten the school record book. He has over 9500 passing yards, 86 touchdowns, 668 completions and 38 victories as a starting quarterback. He's passed for over 200 yards in a game 31 times, he once threw 193 consecutive passes without an interception, and went 31 consecutive games with a touchdown pass. Not exactly a lightweight.
Why should you be concerned about him?
- He's a 2-time NCAA National Quarterback of the year
- He's a 2-time Heisman finalist
- Led the Miami Hurricanes to an undefeated regular season.
- He was drafted in 2003 and played in the NFL for 5 seaso.....wait, what the fuck? None of this sounds right.
Why should you not be worried about him?
- Because it's a different Ken Dorsey.
- This one plays for U-LM
- I don't even know what fucking position he plays.
What is the most likely outcome?
Marvin McNutt roasts him. Like, for real. He jams a goalpost up his ass and roasts him like a marshmallow.
S'mores time, bitches!
Predicted Stat Line: 1 tackle, 5 incomplete passes, 2 rushing yards, 1 missed field goal. (Seriously, I don't know what position he plays.)