So Randy, I guess I would tell you I'm not really much of an expert on how much time you should spend in a tanning bed. You should probably consult with a dermatologist.
Coach, the big question mark this season obviously has to be the defensive line. You have to replace three starters who are all now playing in the NFL, including one of the best defensive ends in program history. Who do you think will contribute, and what are their strengths and weaknesses.
Well, obvioulsy, Daniels and Binns will start. Both Mike and Broderick are special football players and provide much-needed leadership on our young defense. Broderick might have taken a bit of a step back last year...
/makes backhand shoving motion gesture-type thing
...but he's come to camp ready to compete, and we think he'll be there at the end of the day.
On the other end, we expect to see Lebron Ja...I mean Daniel. Whoops. Yeah, definitely Lebron Daniel. He's a bit injury-prone and doesn't have a ton of experience, but he's a great athlete. Two-sport star, if you know what I mean. He tells me every day he can't wait to take his talents down to Lincoln.
And in the other tackle spot, we're looking pretty hard at Dominic Alvis. He's tenacious, he's observant, his teammates love him. It's just that he's a bit undersized.
How undersized are we talking here, Coach? At what weight did he enter camp?
He's down a little bit from last year. He currently weighs about 35 pounds.
I'm sorry, did you say 235?
No, 35. Three. Five. 35 pounds.
You're telling me you have a 35-pound defensive tackle?
The UI expects no further comment at this time.
Wait just a second...
Marc, if you have any questions, just go talk to him. He's outside with the other players and available for interview.
Meanwhile, on the practice field outside, Tiny Alvis talks with Broderick Binns and Mike Daniels
Hey Mike, Broderick: You fellas ready to play this year?
Absolutely, Tiny Alvis!
Ready to take care of business, Tiny A!
That's good, guys. That's real good.
Hey man, check out that football.
That thing is huuuuuuuge.
You're right, Tiny Alvis! That is one big football!
You're right on again, Tiny A!
I mean, I don't know how I'd ever throw that thing. It's enormous.
LOL You've got that right, Tiny A! You're really funny!
That's why you're the tiny starting defensive tackle!
Hey man, look at that water bottle over there.
That thing is huuuuuuuge.
Man, I'll never be able to drink all that water. That's way too much!
Good one, Tiny Alvis!
Score another one for the Tiny A!
Man, I could drown in that huuuuuge water bottle!
Yeah, I bet you could!
You should go over and swim in it!
Maybe do the backstroke!
That would be really cute!
Whoa whoa whoa, hold up a second, man. What are you sayin'?
Wuh...wuh...what's the matter, Tiny A?
You calling me cute, man?
I'm sorry, Tiny Alvis.
I'm not cute, man! I got two years in Chris Doyle's weight program! I can climb up your body and scissor kick you in the nipple!
You're right, Tiny A. I'm sorry.
Aw, c'mon, Tiny A. He was just kidding.
Aw hell, let's take some pictures.
Dominic! Mike! Can we get a picture of you two together?
There ya go.
That picture sure is cute.
What? You callin' me cute?
No, Dominic, I just meant the pic...
You just meant you think I'm cute! You're lucky I don't climb that chain link fence and come at you like a lemur.
You call me cute. I'm a starting defensive tackle in the Big Ten Conference. It's the Big Ten, not the Cute Ten.
Sorry, Dominic, I didn't mean to offend you.
Aw hell, are there any other questions?
Yeah, Dominic, I have a couple.
First, are you out of your mind? There's no way you can play at your current size and survive the season.
You saying I can't play? Here, watch this.
Hey Reiff, you sonuvabitch. Bring it on.
There, that enough for you?
I think he's proven you wrong, Marc.
Proven me wrong? You've lost the plot, Coach. He latched onto Reiff's leg and held on for 4 seconds. What are you going to do against Nebraska?
AND WHAT ABOUT MICHHHHIGAN?
Hey Alvis, check out Brooksy's tape recorder.
That thing is huuuuuuuuge.