Big Ten Media Days: Pursuing the Zooker

I almost had him.
So did I.
I chased him for three years.
I did the same.
I went from California to Australia.
Florida to Illinois here.
It transcended my job. 
It transcended my life.
The pursuit became...
All-consuming.
Exactly.
The name's Utah.  Johnny Utah.
Bobert Zook.

What's your story, Bobert?  What did you do for a living?
Oh, odds and ends.  Professional gambling, mostly.
Poker?
Dog racing, actually.  And I've been trying to track down my brother Ron for years.  Dude was my nose.
Your nose?
Yeah, I can't smell. so he used to smell for me.  I need my nose back.
Wow, that's rough.
What about you, Utah?  What do you do?

OK, OK, no need to yell.
I was chasing this surfing band of bank robbers.
They killed my partner.  They kidnapped my girlfriend.  They forced me to let them go.
And I chased their leader, this guy named Bodie, to the end of the earth, and I had him, and I let him go again, and he got away or died or something.
I lost my job.  I lost my girl.  I lost my Heisman Trophy.  Everything.  Gone.
Wow.  So what did you do?
I got in with the LAPD, ended up in this situation where a crazy guy put a bomb on a bus.  After that, I just kinda figured I'm bad luck in law enforcement, so I moved home and started a rock band.
Anything I would have heard?
Not yet.
You know, you look familiar.
Not as familiar as you.  I loved that movie where you bend spoons.
No, I mean I've seen you before.
Recently, too, like...wait, over there!
/points at nearby park bench

That's him!  That's my brother!
RON!
RON!
/wakes up
/sees Bobert
/runs away
Gotta go. 
RON!  DON'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEELINGS!  RON!
/chases Ron Zook through the park
/knocks over hot dog stand
/jumps over hot dog stand
/runs through group of people playing red rover
/destroys kid playing red rover who gets in the way
/enters zoo
/follows Ron Zook into zoo
/weaves through crowd at the monkey cage
/gets trapped behind crowd
Excuse me!  Excuse me!  Coming through!
/runs into a guy
/falls over
/staggers backward
Ouch!  What the hey is goins on?
Sorry, Coach Pelini.  Sorry about that.  I'm chasing my...
Hey buddy, yous should really be watch wheres yous be...Ron?
Whats, dids yous forget yours razor o somethin?
I'm not Ron. I'm his brother Bob. I'm chasing Ron.
Chasing Ron? Whys would yous do somethin like that?
Here, lets me help yous up.
Thanks.
Now if you'll excu...
Is thats lavender shampoo?
What was that?
I asked is thats lavender shampoo?  I know when I smells me some lavender shampoo, and that theres some lavender shampoos.
How did you know it was lavender shampoo?
I has mees a pretty darned good sniffer.
Really?
Yessir, funny looking Ron Zooks.  I can smells mees some potpourris from a mile aways.
Smell me.
Whats?
Smell me, and tell me what I had for lunch.
/smells Bob Zook
Aw, yous hads some Arbys beefs and cheddar and the seasoned curlys fries.
That's incredible.
Tell me, Bo, what do you like to do during the offseason.
Aw, mostly I drive mines Camaro round Lincolns and hangs out at the dogs track.
Well, I like Camaros and dog tracks too.  Do you want a new friend, Bo?
I needs me a new defenses coordinator.  My bros pretty stupid and he's gots the angries all the time.
So is my brother, Bo. So is mine.
You wanna be mees defenses coordinator?
That depends: You wanna be my nose?
Hecks, I can be yours nose.  I'ms like a hound dog r somethin.  I needs a defenses coordinator though
Well then Bo, I think we've got a deal.
From now on, you're my nose.
An yer mees black sheep brother from a 'nother mother
This is going to be awesome.