Big Ten Media Days: Bob And Jerry

 ... solid, fundamental football and you will be proud of the Minnesota Gophers this year.  Questions?

 Coach, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 ... I will skin you where you stand and use your flesh to make a kite, son. 

 Hot damn!  Coach Kill, I like your style, man.

 Um, thank you.  And you are?  You look... familiar.

 Bob Zook, representing BHGP. 

 /blank stare

 If you fought all the other Big Ten coaches in a royal rumble cage fight, who would win?

 Uh...

 I know that Fickell kid has youth and a badass rear naked choke, but that Pelini's a crazy son of a bitch.  And if ol' Ronnie ever unleashed his pythons... hoo boy!

 I think I could hold my own in a fight.  I beat Tom Astutz for the last bear claw at MAC Media Days a few years ago.  I know how to make fat boys cry.

 Coach Kill, I'm Scoops McBreakingnewsington, and I wanted to ask you --

 Scoops what?  That name sounds ridiculously fake.

 Well, it's not!  I ... had eccentric parents!

 ...

 As I was saying, I wanted to ask you if you thought Tim Brewster's recruiting would be a big boost to your efforts to rebuild Gopher football.  He sure did a tremendous job recruiting up there.

 Uh... yes, Tim left us some fine players to work with.

 /nods

 He sure did.  Did you know Marqueis likes provolone on his ham sandwiches and Troy likes a glass of warm milk before bed --

 You certainly know a lot about Minnesota players, uh, Scoops.

 I'm a reporter!  It's my business to KNOW FIGHT TRY WIN --

 ... crap.

 Holy shitballs, it's Timmy Brewster!

 Goddammit, Tim, I know you miss your former players, but this has got to stop.  You were fired.

 GOPHER PASADENA FOREVER

 Yes, I imagine there are gophers in Pasadena.  Wait, are you still talking about taking Minnesota to the Rose Bowl?

 BEST CHAMPION TREMENDOUS

 Champion of what?

 REDEMPTION SECOND CHANCE TRIUMPH

 Tim, we've been over this.  Ten times, in fact. 

 STUBBORN WISTFUL MISS THOSE KIDS

 I had the locks changed at The Bank. 

 BREAKING ENTERING LOVING

 Don't test me, Tim.  I will make sure this restraining order is enforced.

 LEGALESE COURT MANDATE DON'T TASE ME, JER

 /sighs

 Wait...are you even qualified to be a reporter?

 /snorts ... sideline reporter...

 RESPECTABLE EMPLOYMENT *ahem*

 I won a Cable ACE Award!

 Tim, watching five minutes of an awards show doesn't count.

 I won a daytime Emmy!

 Again, watching reruns of Big Ten Tonight everyday doesn't count.

 Wait, you need to be qualified to be a reporter?  No one told that to ol' Bobert!  I just gassed up the Camaro, double-fisted some beef jerky and Dew, and hit the road.

 I miss the MAC.

 GO FIGHT TREMENDOUS PIZZA PIZZA CHAMPIONS