... and I'm just so excited to get the season started here at Indiana University.  It's a great day to be a Hoosier!

 /crickets

 Er, right.  Any questions?

 /crickets

 Seriously, no questions?  We've been a member of the Big Ten since 1899!  That's a lot longer than those Johnny-Come-Latelys like Nebraska and Penn State.  Hell, we've even been here longer than Ohio State!

 /crickets

 /long sigh

 Hey, Coach, I've got a question.  How exciting is it to play your home games in the same stadium that's hosting the Big Ten Championship Game?

 ...

 Uh, that game's in Indianapolis.  We play in Bloomington.

 ... oh.  Do you think you're going to lose your sausages and throw your gum at someone this year?

 Um, I think that was the last guy.

 ... oh.  Coach, how did it feel to beat a #1-ranked Florida team in 1997?

 Um, that was a different guy, too.  In fact, he's sitting right next to you.

 /turns and looks

  ...oh.  Okay, Coach, here's a question for you: was Big Ben as rapey in college?

 FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU--

 How many u's is that?  I want to get it right when I quote you.  Accuracy in reporting, that's what I always say!

 Dammit, that was another guy, too.  And he's dead.

 FROM THE AFTERLIFE I SMITE THEE

 /dies

 Does anyone have any real football questions for me?  My name is Kevin Wilson and this is an exciting, brand new era for Indiana Hoosiers football!

 /crickets

 Dammit, I just got a verbal commitment from Gunner Kiel, the top quarterback recruit in the entire friggin' country!

 /winces

 Ooh, even the Bobster knows you can't do that.

 What?

 Say a recruit's name before he actually signs with you, broseph.

 Aw, hamburgers.

 WHEEE-OOOOO!  WHEEE-OOOOO!  WHEEE-OOOOO!

 Hey there, NCAA Sanctions-Bot 5000!

 GREETINGS, BOBERT ZOOK.

 NCAA RULES VIOLATION DETECTED.

 SEARCHING FOR OFFENDING PROGRAM...

 SEARCHING...

 SEARCHING...

 LOCATED.  PLEASE FILL OUT FORM 1A, 4B, AND 3C IN TRIPLICATE AND REPORT TO NCAA OFFICES THREE MONTHS FROM NOW, OHIO STATE COACH [insert name here].

 Hey, wasn't us this time, bro.

 OH. 

 It was Indiana, actually.

 SEARCHING...

 SEARCHING...

 SEARCHING...

 ERROR.  NO "INDIANA UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL" DETECTED.

 Fuck you guys.