(Another belated bump. -- RB)
From the desk of J. Delany
subjects sports fans:
want you to sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say, you animals hope to borrow a few moments of what I know is a busy Fourth of July weekend and share with you an update of what’s brewing in my big brain around the Big 10.
First, let’s all welcome Nebraska to the premiere sports league in America!
Do you smell pig shit? That’s Lincoln! The Huskers’ proud tradition of sporting excellence, academic integrity except for Lawrence Phillips, and cultural diversity runza anyone? are sure to add only positives to our tradition of greatness on and off the fields of play and I just bought every school a lead-pipe lock win against the Huskers in men’s hoops. Don’t fuck this up, Iowa.
So what’s next? A great fall sports season in which we add a new exciting chapter to the story of Big 10 football, the brightest jewel in our sporting crown.
I will personally castrate the first coach to lose to a non-BCS school. Records will fall, legends will be born and a champion will rise in our first-ever Big 10 title game. God help me, if Indiana and Northwestern are in the title game I may have to step in front of a bus.
And for the future? Let’s just say that as commissioner, I consider it my primary duty to look over the horizon in search of opportunities for future growth. That’s my promise to you.
Operation Kodiak, the invasion of Ontario and Quebec, launches from Detroit on Aug. 1. Speed is of the essence! If we can capture Toronto, Montreal and Ottawa by the time winter sets in, the whole nation will fall into my hands. Then all of North America will tremble at my might! Could hockey be in our future? Who knows! Hockey. Let's watch Minnesota fuck this up.
Thank you for your time.
Illinois fans have all the time in the world. Ever been there? Listen carefully and you can hear banjo music on the wind. I shit you not, it’s Chicago surrounded by Kentucky. That’s why the Windy City didn’t get the football championship. It doesn’t do to have your fans waylaid and sodomized by hillbillies on the roads leading into town, Don’t laugh, Wisconsin. Anything less than a BCS berth and Bielema gets the Jimmy Hoffa treatment. I trust all of you are as excited as I am about the future. On Aug. 1 my next steps toward world domination begin! Let us strike like the vengeful blood gods of old!
Onward and upward!
And enough about Legends and Leaders, Vint. I know where you live.
Mr Big Dick Delany
P.S. Consider them rolled!